Autistic and odd

Yes I think everyone pretends or "wears a mask" at times, hence the confusion for NT people. I think the difference is that it doesn't cost the NT person so much in terms of effort and they're likely to be better at it so at least will reap some of the rewards society bestows if you appear "normal".

Sorry you're having a rough time OP and others who have posted. It's not easy.

@Lougle it's because NT don't get to say whatever they want all the time so when ND talk about "masking" we think well we do that as well. If anything surely it's the NT masking more as we understand social conventions and adhere to them?

I'm starting to wonder if 'masking' needs to be replaced with another word. People seem to take such exception to it. I think I'd use the word 'compensating'. People with autism have to compensate for their natural traits consciously, with effort, to a higher degree than people without. So, a NT person may well, to use an earlier example, feign interest in the topic of a conversation that doesn't interest them. However, a person with autism may have to feign interest and consciously work out how to participate in the conversation. DD2 has ASD and she doesn't have the natural reciprocal conversational skills. If you tell her something, you don't get any sign that she has heard you. No body language, no murmuring, no nods or frowns.... Nothing. If you tell her something that's interesting to her, you get a response that is her take on the subject, but it's often tangential to your comment. So, for example, she asked me what breed of dog I might like next. I said 'a Westie'. She didn't respond with follow up questions about why I might like a Westie, or a comment about what she would like. She just gave me a mini tutorial about how Westies came to be white, then moved on.

I’m the same. I’ve spent my life masking, desperately trying to fit in. I’m currently in a job that is incredibly ill suited to me, experiencing autistic burnout and finding it so much more difficult and exhausting to mask. No one has told me I’m rude but people avoid me. I tried to join a conversation yesterday and it was as if I hadn’t spoken. Almost every single thing I say comes out wrong. It’s infuriating and exhausting. I haven’t told work that I’m autistic because I don’t want to have to so there is zero support in place. I need to leave but haven’t found an alternative yet.

This is being ND, I’m afraid…

Same. Masking for hours on end at work pretending I’m normal. Then exhausted every night 😂

Me too, utterly exhausted by it all now. I’m in my 50s now and I’m at the stage I can’t do it anymore.

I’m exactly the same, it’s exhausting. For all the people saying stop masking. I’ve not got a formal diagnosis, I’m a female in my 50s I’ve done this since I learnt to walk and talk as a baby. It’s so you ‘seem’ like everyone else. If you stop doing that people don’t like the real you.

I spend most of my life alone. Avoid busy noisy bright light places get overwhelmed panic attacks or migraines where I’m sick . I’m fine at home with my pets pottering being me.

For example yesterday myself and my OH were out in a shop getting a passport sized photo needed for id. it was an emergency, not planned and trying to get it done in a lunch hour . I normally have a tick list, routine, preplanning to be able to cope. Not my idea of fun at all as i don’t even like the building and the lights.

In the middle of this (I’m not a rude person I was overwhelmed) the Photo Booth was a nightmare not working properly and still trying to get the photos to actually print. This rude member of staff came over, no apology at all for interpreting us, chatting to ourselves about said photos and tried to upsale me something else completely different….a make up product. As I was focussed on one thing only I rudely said no I’m not interested etc.

My OH was laughing so hard afterwards as he said I’m never like that. I pointed out one it got rid of her, two I am autistic that’s me not masking, three I was overwhelmed and focusing on the task in hand.

I did agree later it was funny as the look on her face :))))) and had a laugh about it as well.

I’ve now tried explaining to him that’s how hard masking is 247. My brain thinks that as person approaches, I then ignore that and have to do the masking thing of blending in and so on and so so it’s not surprising I don’t want to talk to people.

anyway for the people on mn who say no is an answer in itself. I tried it yesterday it didn’t go down well :))))

Yep, exactly.

I can manage for short periods, but even something like a trip to the supermarket is exhausting for me as the sensory overload is massive - too many people, weird lighting, noise, concentrating on multiple things at once, things being moved around constantly - argh. I end up with migraines and have been vomited before.

People don’t want to be friends with people like that.

This
people avoid you if you don’t act like everyone else. I can’t hold eye contact, I struggle with groups of people and struggle to make small talk. I have a few friends but most of those are also on the spectrum. I feel like a total outsider with NT people.

I can mask at family get togethers and events but it’s exhausting

But when you are autistic, you do have to mask who you are if you want to fit in, otherwise people simply avoid you. They don’t want to make an effort with the person who struggles with eye contact, who forgets to ask questions and who can’t do “normal” activities due to sensory overwhelm.

When I unmask I start avoiding eye contact, make less small talk and don’t force myself to join in activities that make me uncomfortable - which translates to being told I’m rude, unsociable and boring 🤷‍♀️

I'm autistic and have just stopped trying. I accept I'm not interesting or invited to the girls' jokes and discussions at work & their messaging etc out of hours. I just don't fit anywhere. It's very lonely, and hurts to constantly see them going off together and never inviting me.

I mask and be pleasant, but accept no one wants you when you're different. They all want the extroverted, inappropriate person. What I can't cope with is this translates to work opportunities too. I work harder & better, with zero support but get the dull processing jobs while colleague is taken on international conferences and training etc. I'm told to ask her for help if needed, but she never knows anything. I'm confused. I don't fit, and have given up.

I fear for my children on a society which values personality over ability.

I'm not sure why unmasking means being rude and saying exactly what you think....surely this is just tact? It can't be unique to autistics. Anyway, I'm autistic and manage to not be rude to people.

I'm still weird and eccentric but I like myself.

This, you absolutely shouldn’t have to mask who you are to people, of course everyone is different.
as long as you’re not saying to people “I’m going to be rude to you and you have to accept it” sod anyone who expects you to be like they want!

I am autistic too, also ADHD. I feel lonely because I don’t feel I fit in anywhere, I feel people think I am a weirdo. Some people find me interesting for a short time (I have some interesting hobbies) but after a while I think they find me inappropriate. My social skills are pretty rubbish, I often forget to ask people ‘how they are’ or ask ‘how there life is going’ (general chit chat) so I come across as having no empathy…..I actually have loads.

It is hard, the constant feeling of rejection and just not fitting in anywhere.

I really sympathise with you, OP. I’m autistic too and I’ve just started a new job in which people are really nice but it’s incredibly formal and old-fashioned. I’m a quiet person anyway but this is QUIET. The layout of the department means that I am alone in one office while my colleagues are in another so I spend all day either feeling alternately isolated or when I see other people, trying to fit my behaviour and responses to what I think is expected and feeling like I’m constantly failing. It’s exhausting.

You're assuming she doesn't love her true self.

Many of us with autism do - it's just we also know that if we unmask, other people will find us offensive.

In what way are you weird? Go and watch Shrek and learn to love your true self

I don't really notice if people are being rude, to be honest - not in person, anyway. I can "get" it more online or via text. I also don't tend to notice sarcasm, social cues or polite hints.

In terms of accepting it, what else is there to do? I can't force someone else to act in a certain way just to please me, nor should I.

There's a difference between naturally pretending to be interested because you know it's a social convention and understand it's the right thing to do, and having to force yourself to do it (even though you don't understand why) and burning out afterwards because doing it was so difficult for you.

And if people are rude to you do you just accept it ?

I’m constantly told I’m loud, rude and too free with my opinions. Welcome to life as an autistic woman.

So far as I know I am not ND but the pretending to find other people's conversations interesting is surely something most of us do every day. Or is it? I am genuinely interested btw not trying to be goady in any way.

I'm certain but understand why you would mention it. I just have a very wide and diverse friendship group (tends to happen when you are single and childless for a lot of your 30s! 🤣). Only 2 friends are ND.