To ask friend how she will repay

Sounds like you are being far too nice about the situation. Don’t pussy foot around her - she has taken advantage of your good nature.

I’d navigate it by saying “Friend, I don’t want to fall out over this either but I lent you money in good faith that it would be paid back at some point. This isn't something you should feel shocked about. I don’t need it all back in one go but would like to arrange with you to pay back in instalments - I propose X amount per week. Does that sound workable for you?”

Put everything in writing from now on. If it’s a lot of money, get a formal letter from a solicitor that documents the debt, asks for repayment and sets a strict deadline. This might be enough to frighten her into coughing up.

Since she is not willing to discuss a payment plan, I don’t think it would be unreasonable to demand the money back in full within one month.

If she hasn’t got the money, she can sell her car or take a loan. It’s not your problem.

Have the court paperwork printed off and filled out ready to flash in front of her nose if necessary to show you’re serious.

If she does not comply, don’t hesitate to take her to court.

Reading back over the thread (didn't RTFT and still haven't 🙄), I can't believe that some people think there's some kind of expiration date on loans. No, it doesn't work that way. It sounds like OP was kind enough to let multiple loans accumulate over the last few years because her friend couldn't ever seem to find her feet, financially. (This is a bad idea, but that's not the point.) Now that her friend is going on and on about how she'll be spending her spare cash on non-essentials, OP rightly thinks that her friend should at least be starting to repay her debts. It doesn't matter if the loans were two months ago or twenty years ago. A debt is a debt.

OP's personal financial situation is also irrelevant. She helped out a friend with a loan, not a gift. She wants her money back, sooner or later. The friend should do the decent thing and start paying back, now that she can. The kindest interpretation here is that OP's friend was embarrassed that she hadn't thought about repaying her debts, but that's not what it sounds like. Her guilt trip lines about being shocked and needing time to recover sound more like someone trying to emotionally manipulate and just get away.

OP, lending her money for food etc was a kind thing to do to help a friend. You dont deserve to feel embarrassed for helping someone who seemed to desperately need it.

BUT, you need to speak to her again and be super clear how you want repaid. EG at 15 a week or whatever, starting now. The chances are it'll be a nightmare, but if you can show when and how much you lent her then pull that info together. Show her that YOU are going without treats, holidays etc because you lent her money that you could have saved for those things.

I really hope you haven't loaned her too much, OP, because her reaction does send the message that she was hoping you'd just write it all off as a gift. If she does get back to you, I'd tell her that her reaction has shocked you, to give her back some of her own 'woe is me, can't believe you would hurt me this way' energy. You loaned her money in her times of need in the faith that she would pay you back when she could. Now she's talking about all these things she's planning to do with her excess cash, yet she hadn't planned on beginning to repay you.

That might not be the best way to handle it, but honestly, I'd be worried I'd never see that money, unless you have proof and are willing to take her to small claims for it. If she doesn't at least begin to pay it back now, I'd consider her an enemy the friendship over.

If I borrowed money from a friend or family member I would have a clear plan and time frame before asking for the loan. And I would make sure to pay back exactly when I said I would, if not before. How could she spend on anything non essential when she has an outstanding debt to a friend?!

Even if she did think it was a gift rather than a loan, surely anyone would want to thank a good friend once they were back on their feet? If she's happy to take money from you and then happy to keep it to herself when she's doing better, it feels like maybe she feels you don't deserve the money as much as she does.

You could start looking into the small claims court process while you give her a few days to see how she responds. If she tries to ignore it or rewrite history then it shows that she has no respect for you, and you may as well make it legal. You can always ask in the legal area here for advice.

Absolutely this.

One thing's for certain, she won't be enjoying a guilt-free holiday.
Suggest to her that she does more overtime with a view to using the extra income to repay her debt.

I don't think you're seeing that money again. The fact she's taken offence, had to take herself off for a walk, etc. All signs that she has absolutely no intention of repaying that money.

I can only hope you didn't lend what you couldn't afford to lose. Sadly, people never see repaying a friend as any sort of a priority, because, "what are they going to do about it?"

From the experience of my kind hearted (late) father who used to lend to needy relatives, once you mention repayment, they will start to go all vague and ghost you. These are feckless people.

I suspect that is what your debtor 'friend' will do now.

She's definitely a CF! It sounds like you will have to chalk this up to bad experience and swallow the loss. She is clearly no friend to you.

You aren't getting that money back. Drop her.

Of course she made you feel like a bad person for asking when she will repay the money owed. I think you will find this will be the first stage of her 'I thought you were my friend and you want to support me' speech. There will be denial soon that it was a loan and then she will accuse you of being jealous of her holiday and when you defend yourself, she will cut you off and blame you for it.

I think you already know you are not getting the money back but you need to prepare yourself her abandoning the friendship rather than coming up with a payment plan.

Did you definitely make it crystal clear to her at the time that it was a loan, not a gift? Or did you just assume she'd know it was a loan?

She’s not prioritising paying you so the friendship would be over in my mind. Whether that means you write off the debt or not is another thing.

Sadly it doesn’t sound like paying you back was ever a priority if shes making an extra effort to save up for holidays and spending. Be warned though that her reaction is paving the way to distance herself from you so that she can frame it in her mind that you are the one in the wrong. She then justifies never paying you back and avoiding you by making it you that’s the one who wronged her. Learn from this. Never lend to friends because sooner or later you’ll regret it.

Hope you didn’t lend her lots as she sounds like isn’t going to repay it ever

They’re the folks who borrow money with zero intention of repaying 😂😂😂

Probably people who think the op was daft to lend money in the first place.
Never lend money to someone and expect it back, always treat it as a gift.

This is why you should never ever lend without a formal agreement. I lent a friend some money once. I knew she would pay it back no issue but I still drew up a formal loan agreement with the terms attached and how it was to be repaid. I did it so things like this shouldn’t come up and they didn’t - was paid back as promised. I think the OP’s friend just took the money as a gift due to its ad hoc nature and gave lip advice to to fact it was a loan. Never had any intention to pay back

@BigMommasHouseare you coming back to the thread? Plenty of replies to respond to here

Call in the loan. You were happy to have a reasonable discussion and work out a payment plan, but since she’s booked a holiday, she can afford to pay off her debt, so the loan becomes immediately repayable.

Your friendship is probably dead anyway.

"That money was a loan, Sandra. I'm not sure why you're shocked that it needs to be repaid, or why we would be falling out about it. What's the problem?"

I'm pretty sure you'll be kissing this friendship goodbye regardless, so you might as well go after getting your money back as hard as you can.

Having said that - and speaking from bitter experience - I don't fancy your chances.

If all else fails, it might help to think of it as the price of never having to see Sponging Sandra ever again.

From that response she’s not paying you back. Outrageous!