To ask friend how she will repay

I had a friend call me in tears needing money for food and fuel, I gave her more than she needed to see her through and saw it as a gift and told her as much. I knew she won’t be in a position to give it me back anytime soon and I didn’t want a loan to hang between us.

I don’t know how much you gave her, but can this be a gift? If not I hope that repayments were discussed at the time of giving.

If anyone has been kind enough to lend you money then it's human decency to repay it. You value the kindness, something you should want to do, whether they have asked for it or not.

As a friend who was blessed to have had money loaned to me at a difficult time I started to pay back as much as I could every month immediately.

For a while it was only £20 pm, with an apology, but then as I tried to sort myself out I would transfer more. Showing willing and even doing it bit by bit shows gratitude, something your friend seems to be lacking.

Since she has made efforts to sort out her other debts and make them manageable, and has on the back of that felt secure enough to buy new carpets and book a holiday I think I am right in saying that she doesn’t think she owes you any money and clearly, since you haven’t mentioned it before, thinks you generously helped her out when she was desperate by gifting you money. Hard lesson. Don’t lend money you can’t afford to say goodbye to forever gift.

I want to know why you haven't responded to any of the questions or comments.

As soon as you lent her the money it was gone never to return. I'd kiss it goodbye. I very much doubt she has any intention of paying it back. Dont lend her anything ever again.

Like to see you doing that in the NHS 😂

Has she got this latest money from a credit card, therefore getting into more debt or from other means. You will get nothing from her. End of friendship

You are unlikely to recoup the money. I'm sorry. How much are we talking?

Accept the loss and get rid of the 'friend'

@BigMommasHouseHi what did you decide to do, we’d love to hear from you

There are far too many people who prioritise having something fun before paying back debt.

I refuse to lend anyone anything due to so many bad experiences.

I ended a friendship with someone when she got a foodbank donation the same week of a Jamaican holiday that had been booked months before. She was eligible for the foodbank and used the argument that she'd saved up for the spending money for her holiday and wasn't going to waste it on food at home before she went away.

You’re far too nice. I’d demand the money back and have done so in the past threatening to go round to their house and make a scene if not paid back. Some people don’t respond well to half hearted pleas.

Looks like OP isn’t coming back. I’ve lent money to friends and been guarantor for a phone contract when my friend couldn’t get it. Luckily with both everything was paid back and sorted until one friend got stroppy with me not being able to transfer money abroad for her. And I ended that friendship. I now don’t lend money to anyone ever. My nana who was wealthy warned me years ago never lend money only give it as gifts.

I lent you money when you were stuck. I was happy to be able to help and I felt good about that. But now I feel taken advantage of because I don't think you intended to pay me back and that's not a nice feeling. Do you think I'm being unfair by asking for one when your circumstances have clearly improved? Or do you have a different perspective entirely? Please let me know what is going on. I do definitely need that money paid back so having a clear plan there is the most pressing matter. However feeling forced to chase you on this feels like a kick in the teeth and it's done damage to our friendship.

I think op has left the building ….the only reason I’m watching this thread is to see if @BigMommasHousecomes back.
it’s looking less likely (it’s all made up).

So the very first time you gave her money what was said? When was it? Was it documented? What were the repayment arrangements?

It doesn’t sound like this was discussed and she’s presumed it was gifts. Do you have the precise dates and amounts borrowed? Did she ask you or you just gave her it? @

Some people are crap with money, what’s she like as a friend otherwise?

Is the op not coming back to answer any questions? 🙄

@BigMommasHouse what have you decided to do?

She's a twat! Mainly for abusing your friendship.

Send her a follow up text.

Hi XXX, I just wanted to follow up our conversation. I value our friendship and I'm so happy for you that everything is looking up for you now. As I said, I'm not expecting all of the money back all at once, but hoping that maybe now you can sort out a weekly payment plan of XXX per week. If you can set it up as a weekly standing order, then we wouldn't even have to discuss it again.

My bank details are XXXXX

If you really want to keep it light and breezy, you can finish by setting up a next coffee catch up or something.

This reiterates that you weren't joking and do expect the money back, that you don't need it immediately and saves another 20 texts sorting out a plan. How much a week you ask for probably depends on how much she has borrowed and how much she earns. If her holiday is booked and soon, you could be extra generous and suggest the repayments begin after her holiday.

If she pushes back too much on this, then the friendship is already over and she's likely to just phase you out. If she is a good friend, she'll message back that she's sorted out the standing order.

She borrowed from you because people in the business of lending money determined that she was not a safe person to whom they should lend money. That should tell you everything. She has no intention of repaying you. I mean I would be besides myself if I owed money to a friend and I would be doing everything possible to repay it as soon as possible. However, I have to say I have never borrowed money from a friend although I have lent money to a friend who seemed to have a very flexible idea of what was a reasonable time in which to repay me - she was in financial trouble because of a series of bad choices. In future, I would probably gift money more readily than I would lend it to a friend. I hope it is not a large amount for your sake.

Don’t let her transfer the guilt to you @BigMommasHouse just say you don’t want to fallout either but now she’s in a better position she needs to make good with you, and that really should come before, or in parallel with, treating herself. Remind her what she has borrowed and suggest a monthly amount and duration. Don’t lend her anymore.

You say your friend ran into financial problems because of employment and relationship issues. What she has shown you with her behavior is that she is someone who spends money whenever she has it in her pocket. You likely got a sympathetic version of her financial story from the beginning.

My uncle did this, I lent him money regulalarly and he paid it back tbf.....until he didn't! when he landed back on his feet and still owed me several hundred pounds but decided to book a holiday instead of paying me back! Haven't spoken to him for 10 years since I realised what a dk he was.

She sounds like the bad person here. Of course you were doing a good thing, but this is one big reason why many people try to keep their social friendships strictly social.

Assuming you see each other with some frequency, next time you're together in a quiet place, bring it up - but casually. Not some ominous "We need to talk!" I'd start with something like, "You know it was really awkward the other day, but when you were telling me your good news about the boost in your earnings, it naturally made me think of the [insert amount] I loaned you. I hope you appreciate that I haven't pressed you at all. But from my point of view, maybe when you're allocating those earnings, you could keep me in mind."

If she says again that it was a terrible shock, try saying innocently, "Why would it be a shock? Weren't you planning on paying me back?"

Hope you can get through this with the friendship intact.

If she tries to back out, yell at her that you'll re-possess her cat.