Gf’s birthday - she seems hurt that I might wor

Most people don’t take their own birthday off let alone their partners, you celebrate in the evening or at the weekend surely.

I would love to take my own birthday off but because it's in Jan, I'm cautious of using up leave allocation that I may need later in the year. But I do, either by accident or subconscious, end up with a spare day in December that I have to take off before it's taken off of me. I use that as an early bday celebration and take myself off for a nice lunch and/ or a massage. I have never heard of anyone taking their partner's birthday off.

It's good that you're able to communicate clearly about this to try and work out what each other is feeling.

I can understand her being a bit hurt if it's gone from having a lovely holiday abroad to you not even taking the day off for it.
And maybe she's going for lunch with the colleague because she's realised that she hasn't got anything else to do otherwise and she doesn't want to spend the day alone.

For some people, Birthdays are a big deal.. It's the only day they feel 'allowed' to be a little selfish and be cared for or pampered by others.
This is absolutely not solely your problem, she's likely got some deep-rooted insecurities about her worth (from her saying she thought it meant you didn't love her)

I think maybe she just would've liked to see you and her disappointment has triggered other stuff in her?

I think that I'd try and book her birthday off now you know she is feeling wonky about it.
I'd also tell her that you don't mind taking the day off and doing something nice, but you'd prefer it if she just told you. That you didn't book it off as she said she wasnt bothered, then that she was seeing a friend that day, and now it seems like she does want to do something, which is fine, but she can just bloody tell you that surely?

I am a total birthday princess and always book my birthday off work, but I don’t expect my husband to do the same and I don’t book his birthday off either. It would usually be beauty treatments and maybe a nice shopping trip for me! With a nice lunch just by myself.

I usually take my birthday off and spend it with my mum.

dh and I celebrate our birthday together on the weekend closest to our birthdays .

Hmm I’d say the GF needs to learn how to communicate better - saying one thing but meaning another, crying and being dramatic over a partner not having the day off for her birthday. Really? I think a reality check is needed on her part and a big part of that is her starting to behave like an adult rather than a petulant child.
I’ve never had the day off for my birthday due to working in education and I’ve survived!

It sounds like she has RSD
You need to remind her that she said she didn’t want to do anything special this year and also that she said she was going out for lunch with a colleague. You would not book the day off if you thought she was going out for lunch with someone else. She needs lots of reassurance, it’s a shame she is so vulnerable.

I'd alsp add that some women do do this and I don't know why.

Like women who say they don't want anything for their birthday etc and then get upset when they don't get anything. Or say not to make a fuss and then get upset when a celebration is low key. (There have been threads on here about it over the years before anyone tells it never happens - i wouldn't knpw about it otherwise).

I don't actually celebrate my birthday at all (complex reasons) and the number of times I've had people arrange to do something for my birthday or get me a present when I've asked them not to is wild. They've always explained that other friends/previous girlfriends have said similar and then got upset when they took them at their word.

In this case, I'd be talking to her about her actual expectations and why she has changed her mind from a few weeks ago rather than telling her to grow up though.

It sounds like she might have some complex issues around her birthday or wider sense of being valued of her own maybe.

as someone who used to be insecure you can end up being controlling (even if you don’t realise) and the tears and the “do you love me if you don’t book my birthday off”is. Red flag

Just picking up on this to say that most controlling behaviour is born of insecurity and a need to manage the perceived 'risks' to the relationship/self. So my frist question would be has this type of behaviour shown itself in other ways? It's a red flag for me when someone feels it is your responsibility to manage their emotions and make them happy.

I also agree that it is quite manipulative to say you are OK with something and then decide you are not. It feels like a bit of a test of your love.

I also agree with your thinking - she gets to spend a nice day with a friend from work, which means she is liked and valued by that person ergo she has a friend and is doing something sociable outside of the relationship - something she claims is missing from her life. And then you two will spend the following day together.

Being generous, I'd say she has got a bit caught up in thinking about this and is wondering if you should just want to take her birthday off.

I'm with those who have never taken a day off for their own birthday let alone anyone else's.

I think crying because a plan you had agreed to is happening is ridiculous, tbh.

Are you sure she's old enough to be in a relationship ?

Hmmm, i think there are lots of folk who can get a bit emotional about their birthdays, if she is struggling to express what she wants clearly as well this could be feelings of insecurity that go back to childhood…so yes it is a bit immature, but also if this were my partner i’d want to understand why they feel emotional about their birthday, encourage them to ask for what they want in the relationship (this is incredibly hard for some people) and maybe arrange to take them out for dinner in the evening. You’re not a mind reader, but I wouldn’t condemn your partner for feeling how they feel here.

She's 27. She's being childish.

Tell her most 5 year olds manage to go to school on their birthdays....

She is being very immature. If everyone took a day of to celebrate then that would be mental . I dont know anyone who does that . Unless a holiday is booked for the occasion.

I think your gf sounds a bit needy and uncertain - people should be honest about these things. If someone says they're OK with something, that should be the truth, or close to it.

However... communication is also sometimes about making sense of several conversations, not just one. So if you know generally that her birthday is a big deal for her, and that she's really appreciated when you've been away together, then good communication is also about you taking responsibility. e.g. "since you said you weren't fussed, and I've got a lot on at work, I haven't taken the day off, but how about we get up early and go for a walk on the beach followed by breakfast. I'll go into work an hour late." Or make a definite plan for the evening.

I think the worst of all, is if you say you'll celebrate the following day, then do NOTHING on the actual day. Make her breakfast, get her cards and presents and give them to her on the morning of her birthday before you go to work. Even leave a little surprise bottle of fizz and a mini cake in the fridge... Don't take it to mean that you act as though her birthday is on the Saturday (including card / present).

I think you are discovering why she doesn't have any friends.

Like most people, I think her birthday plans as they stand sound great - celebrate with a friend on the day, and celebrate with you at the weekend. Totally usual for the 'Birthday Weekend' to be the 'real' celebration because friends and family are working even if the birthday person chooses to take their birthday off.

God I couldn’t put up with that. My husband is very often at work on my birthday, I’ve never cried about it. It just a birthday and I’m not a child. She needs to grow the hell up.

I've never had the day off for my birthday, let alone anyone else's, ever. Nor has anyone in my family.

Clearly she was brought up with different expectations, and in fairness, took time off for yours. So maybe you should have seen this coming.

Have you had the 'you said that you didn't plan to do anything much as it's a not a big birthday, so it didn't occur to me that you expected me to take the day off' conversation? If you have and she still doesn't get it, then you have a problem.

Is she hard work/self-centred in other ways?

She needs a reality check.

most people work on their own birthday let alone a partner/ spouse having to work.

She sounds like a nightmare. Not hard to work out why she doesn’t have many friends. This kind of nonsense would have me rethinking whether I want to be in the relationship. Life is way too short to be spending it pandering to her immaturity and self absorption

She basically said she didn’t want to celebrate it and then got pissed off that you hadn’t read between the lines, booked the day off and made plans to celebrate it. Insane.

Also it’s in a few weeks so she’s now told you, she’s like you to take it off as it’s important to her.

From your initial description, it sounded like it’s too late for you to take the day off. Definitely ignore the people asking you to tell her to grow up. No one should be saying that to someone they claim to love. There are better words for communicating.

I always take my birthday off work but don’t take off DH’s unless it’s in the half term then we get to celebrate together.
Why can’t you celebrate in the evening?

Good grief. I've never heard of taking the day off. What a pair of melts!! Does she know there are loads of people who just can't even do that? Eg teachers!! Is she 12??