Can’t agree about cry it out

My 11 month old cried it out once. I couldn't go to him for a couple of minutes as I was getting my 7 year old dressed after the bath (he's autistic so can't do it himself). My 11 month had started falling asleep when I went to him having cried solidly for a few minutes and I felt so rotten I picked him up and cuddled him as he fell asleep as I was worried he would feel abandoned. I never let my kids cry it out. All 3 of my older ones didn't sleep through but my youngest does so it's pot luck really

Is it? I live in Scandinavia and I had arguments with the health visitor because I DIDN'T prioritise cry it out when baby was under 6 months (baby needs to learn to self settle, sleep is important for baby and you, they need to learn they don't get what they want, you need to show them who's in charge yadayadayada)

My DS is also 16 month's and breastfed and has never ever slept through. Usually wakes a good few times through the night and atm he's poorly so pretty much on the boob all night.

I'll be honest. I don't get the desperation to get kids sleeping through as soon as possible B and SIL as soon as their babies are born its about getting them to sleep.12 hours.

I don't beleive in cry it out. I think kids should grow up knowing that when they need their parents they'll be there.

We'll wean DS nearer to 2 I think and DP will take over the night wakes till DS settles without boob.

I still sleep with mine. He’s 9. We started co sleeping when he was 3. My husband sleeps in the spare bedroom.

Please don’t do cry it out, get DS in your bed, he needs comfort from you. Try it might help.

@PeridoteageThis is us, DD is 5 and I get her to sleep by lying down with her and singing songs, then often she wants to be cuddled to sleep too. And why not? It’s the most natural thing for kids to want comfort from their parents at night time. I don’t mind doing it, it’s a nice way to reconnect after we’ve had a whole day of me working and her being at school. My own mum also stayed in the room with me until I fell asleep, until the age of 10.
Kids will grow out of it in their own time - I don’t know of any teenagers who still want to be cuddled to sleep!
OP should just follow her instinct, sleep training to me is just odd and unnatural, especially cry it out.

Can you try gradual retreat? I did this, with my then 15 month old with advice/support from HV. You stay with them so they aren't left crying on their own which I couldn't have done. But I have also co slept on many occasions.

I think the compromise is some gentle sleep training. Letting a baby 'cry it out' as part of a careful sleep training plan is completely different to just not going to them in the middle of the night (when you always have previously).

The thing about co sleeping is its a long game. Often you start it with a little baby in your bed and its quicker to bf etc.

Then 5 years down the line you have the 6 year old who won't go to sleep without mum lying with them.

A 3 or 4 year old isn't any easier to sleep train than a baby, if anything its harder - much more stubborn, much more capable of fighting their own tiredness for longer to resist falling asleep without you. Not to mention you are trying to reverse a habit you've established for years that is truly ingrained.

No one on here is recommending cio but there are lots of gradual methods to encourage a toddler to sleep with less intervention from mum/dad.

I’m old now never co slept with any of mine ,i’m just interested if you co slept with your babies.What age did you stop? By the way i’m not judging anyone just intrested.

If your still breastfeeding could you try mix feeding
naturally he’s going to settle better for you if you breastfeed
I’d look at one of you sleeping in his room
whilst bringing him in your bed is an easy option you make a rod for your own back

I would bring him into your bed if need be, and husband can go in the spare room if you have one, or otherwise the sofa. Seeing as he can't be bothered to deal with his distressed child.

Cry it out, controlled crying etc are cruel, abusive methods that teach your child to give up and stop crying because they know no one's going to come and help them. I'm not surprised you don't want to do it - I have four kids, one was a particularly bad sleeper but I never resorted to that.

I don’t know why people keep pedalling this nonsense about ‘Scandinavia’. It really undermines their argument. A quick google will tell you that’s not true. The NHS recommends that the safest place for a baby to sleep is alone in their cot, but many also don’t follow this advice.

I could never leave mine to cry. I always just brought them into our bed because it was a quick resolve for everyone.

I wouldn’t use cry it out in the night. Baby gets too wound up and you’re not sleeping. All of mine came into my bed in the night when they woke, it didn’t cause any problems with them sleeping in their own beds in the long run.
And remember that a child might wake in the night because they have become ill, you wouldn’t leave an ill baby crying.

I used a method where you stay in the room with child but do not pick them up. My child was 8 months at the time. It worked the first night! My child was tired too though, as they had no idea how to get themselves to sleep ( reflux baby, so had had to be held a lot at might die to that).

I know someone else who used this method with her baby before returning to work and it worked for them too. In fact, I learnt it from them.

Scandinavia is not one country and none of those countries have banned cry it out.

dont cos keep with a 16 month old if none of you are used to it. No one will sleep.

look up controlled crying as a gentler way to encourage baby to self settle.

We were in a similar situation, also reached our breaking point around that age.

For us the problem was link to breastfeeding, I wasn’t quite clear from your post if you’re still breastfeeding at every wake or not? After multiple attempts to sort it on our own, we ended up doing very gentle sleep training (no cry it out!) with a sleep consultant and it was honestly life changing.

But the main thing I came on to say was I completely get your point about parents disagreeing about the level of crying. Like you, I feel I instinctively know what is a bit of whinging and what is going to escalate into full blown crying. We’ve had the same argument about me wanting to go in and DP saying I’ll make it worse. Over time we’ve got better at compromising eg agree to wait another 5 mins and reassess, but it’s still a tricky balance. Unfortunately I think when they’re little mums are just biologically wired to respond differently. It sets off a stress response in us in a different way to men.

It is not completely banned, however Denmark advises parents not to use CIO, and CIO is no longer promoted in official materials given to parents?

There nothing dangerous about cosleeping with a toddler if that saves your sanity.
If you want to do something gentle about sleep then make a plan, middle of the night decisions to cry it out are bonkers.

Co-slept here. Lone parent working full time so sleep was a priority. Before that she was waking and crying a lot. Your DH is being a dick.

So cry it out is actually banned in Scandinavian countries and classed as child abuse.

This is utter rubbish

I was where you were many years ago. I did the rapid return method. I am a single parent so none of those questions or complications. I resigned myself to v little sleep for however many nights it took. Positioned myself outside DSs room with my iPad, snacks and an iron will. The first night was awful and I must have gone in at regular intervals about 30 times, the second night marginally better and much better the third. The 4th night he only woke up once and that was it. He was never distressed as I didn’t leave him long enough to do so. I agree it’s often us mum’s that struggle with it more and it’s awful but I felt a million times better with a structured plan, the knowledge that he wouldn’t become distressed, acceptance that it would be x amount of days with v little sleep and the iPad as a distraction - I remember spending a lot of ASOS that week but I needed a distraction!

His sleep was great from that week forward. Honestly doing it on my own and having one brutal period of a week or so was so much better than what I had been dealing with for months before that. Good luck whatever you decide.

Your DH is a dick, he’s not in charge of you, he has no empathy for your child. You were wrong to listen to him and not go into your child who must have felt completely inexplicably abandoned. How awful.

Just cosleep! Your baby needs you and your husband isn’t your boss.