AIBU to want to go down in seniority at my job and go backwards in my career since having kids

I completely get it. My job doesn't look remotely as stressful as yours, and I'm feeling exactly the same way.

I've just waited to get through all pregnancies, and I'm now actively looking for roles that would be a demotion. I'm particularly trying to get rid of the line management element to go back to individual contributor, in a area of the business I have a real interest in.

I don't have the time to work outside my contracted hours anymore, or the mental capacity to manage people (direct reports or incompetent senior leaders).

So my view is go for it, you need to make time and space for your family. Work isn't worth getting sick over it.

I took a more local job (similar field, more junior role, different industry) when my kids were small, was there about 7 years, they are nearly 9 and 12 now life is much easier. I got to manager level in my previous role and the stress was unbearable and I just couldn't do it all. Ive just managed to get back in to my old job, albeit a more junior role than previous. It took me a LONG time to get a foot back in the door though. Your career isn't linear, a side step or a break is absolutely fine, just remember your pension and that your life WILL get easier.

I’m so sorry you feel this way op. It must be so difficult to be under so much pressure.

My brain didn’t work properly for the first 2 years after having my son. I remember struggling and wondering what on earth was wrong with me, I felt less intelligent. It did eventually pass around the 2 year mark. 12 months is still early days given you’ve only just stopped breastfeeding and your baby is only just sleeping through the night. Could you maybe reduce your hours in the meantime?

Do what you need to do to reduce your stress and look after yourself op xx

How supportive is your DH/DP? Have you spoken to him about how you are feeling?

I don’t think it’s unreasonable at all, but I do think you should hold off making any decisions until you’re back into the swing of work.

I’m a high earner in a professional role but not ridiculous hours or anything and currently on mat leave with my second. I went back full time after my first, which was hard but my child has thrived at nursery. My husband also has a stressful job and we’ve both agreed that both working stressful full on roles with a busy household, dogs and 2 children isn’t compatible with a happy family life (for us) so I have asked to go down to 3 days a week.

I don’t think you need to see it as going backwards, this is a period of life and you need to find the balance of doing what is best for yourself, your family and your finances. You can pick back up in a few years time if you want to at that point in time.

there is a constant societal pressure I think for people around my age (mid 30s and maybe it’s the same for older people and younger I don’t know) to just constantly strive for more. My outlook now is to do what makes us as a family happy and if that isn’t the next promotion then so what?!

I think you are being very hard on yourself. You ARE smart enough for the technical job, you don't become unsmart after becoming a mother. Your priorities change, and that is completely OK, you are not betraying your career or yourself.

Just take a step back and think. Make a list, see what is your number one priority now you have a family. This might change in future years just as it has done in the last year.

If you prefer to take a step back and give your brain a rest then do that, not because you can't do the technical job, but because you want to focus on something else, ie your children.

This is not a permanent step back, I mean it can be if you wish, but just put promotion and high level on hold for a few years. That is completely OK.

I took a step back after having children, then a few years as a SAHM. I returned to work part time, gradually increasing hours and responsibility as they grew up. I have no regrets and I have been back at high level for some years now. I can still do the technical job, things like that are never un-learned.

Good luck with your decision

I haven’t so much gone backwards but I haven’t pushed for progression and I’m static in my career

But I still use my skills, earn decent money.

I value the WFH and flexibility more than trying to climb the ladder and risking losing it

YANBU @applenet I was in the same position. Software is horrible for this as well, all the younger men desperately jostling for position.

I really agree with this comment though ^ Relationships can change, and if you were to split up after your child is past the age of huge dependency, your sacrifice and contribution may not get its deserved reward financially.

I am a bit older now. I managed to just about keep my hand in by going part-time for a few years and treading water. My child is a teen and life is a bit easier; I am also starting to think about pensions and retirement.

TL;DR - do whatever you can to stay in work in a decentskilled position, dropping hours etc. Could you fund a cleaner/gardener/dog walker/whatever else demands a lot of attention.

I felt the same, didn't feel like chasing promotion or doing more than the minimum.
What worked for me was to go very part time. Two days a week in the same job so I kept my hand in, I was experienced so still useful to my employer but had five days to be with the children.

I also work for a technical organisation. You could do what my male colleagues have done when they have life stress and just half-arse the job for a while. We are socialised to feel guilty if we aren’t doing our best but it’s OK to coast sometimes. Given where you likely are on the Dunning-Kruger curve your mediocre performance may still be of value to your organisation.

Which is why I suggested to OP that she doesn't beat herself up, looks for more support / alternative ways of working and doesn't rush into quitting.

What do you feel your friend should have done to avoid sadness, resentment and dysfunction?

Not quit and sought more support to stay in work perhaps?

I agree that you are in the thick of it right now and it might be better if you can hold off making any major decisions just yet. You won't be able to see it now but these early years don't last forever despite how they feel at the time. We are not long out of them (my two are 6 and 8) but life is so much easier/better only a few short years on from where you are now and I am glad we've got my high income to be able to live a nice life now and for the many years of their childhood we still have left.

You'll get through his stage. It is incredibly hard when you are in it but it does not last particularly long in the context of your overall working life.

My husband is a completely equal partner is every way, which is has been key.

I wouldn’t make any big or life changing decisions in the first 2 years post partum. You are half delirious with tiredness and never on an even keel

Life is for living and not for sufering. If you can afford the step back and will be happier and more fulfilled. Go for it.

Give yourself a break. You can't grow and birth and keep two very small humans alive and thriving and not experience some radical change personally.

If you're crying daily, I would have a chat with your GP, a check in would be a good shout.

You're not letting yourself down, you're just one woman reacting very normally to a change in circumstance. You're not bionic. Outsource whatever you can in order to cut yourself some slack. Give it a year and reassess.

What's the situation with your DH, is he feeling a similar level of strain that he's in tears every day?

Could you not do contractor roles? You’re not tied down into employment and sometimes depending on your role you could earn like 550+ a day so could even work less days?

To add, I also read an article recently that it takes our brains something like up to 2yrs to fully recover from the changes in pregnancy / childbirth / post partum. So we all need to cut ourselves some slack!

I felt very much the same way when I went back after DD2. I just didnt have the headspace for work anymore. Not to mention she was an awful sleeper and still waking 4-5 times a night for the first six months i was back at work.

I did drop to part time, which i found helped massively. I now do 22hrs over four days so that i can do the afternoon school pick up for my eldest (DD2 stays in nursery for the full 4 days which also gives me some breathing space in the afternoon). I work in the civil service which is obviously well known for work-life balance, and i have a very supportive boss, who makes sure im not overloaded (eg. Not doing five days work when im only a 0.6FTE). My next move was into SLT so I also made in clear in my last career planning discussion that I wasnt looking to move for a while.

Ive been back a year and I do feel like its now getting much easier. DD2 is coming up 2 and her sleep is getting better, plus my brain feels like its functioning again.

Could you take a sideways move into a another part of the business that is more family friendly, or drop to PT for a defined period (eg. 1 year) to give yourself time to think more about what you want your next move to be? I also follow a lady called hi.ho.coaching on insta who is a career coach specifically for women returning to work after mat leave. Perhaps you could find someone like this but also connected to your industry and have a call before you make any decisions? I think what you are feeling is so common and the risk of making a drastic change now is regretting it in a years time when things start to even out.

Also this is where having a (genuinely) supportive husband / partner is crucial. Not someone that begrudgingly 'helps' when asked but someone who sees what needs doing and gets on with it and takes half the mental load. This is why most men manage to have a career and children, because they have that support

I think for everyone who feels glad they stepped back from a career into a lower key job, there are others who bitterly regret it because it gives them a lot less choice in the future. How often do we read on here that a woman is trapped in a shit marriage because of finances etc. I also think there will be issues in the future when people can't pay for care, haven't aupplemented their state pension enough etc because they focused on the short rather than the long term.

It's normal to feel completely overwhelmed when your kids are this age, and wonder how you can fit it all in. I'd give it another 12 - 18 months if you can, and see if there is anything you can do to improve your work life balance in the mean time (compressed hours, part time, flexible working request, more working from home etc). Your skills haven't gone backwards, your brain is just full right now with child related things, but it will free itself up again as your kids get older and become more independent. The difference a couple of years make here is absolutely huge, but its much easier to coast for a little while / get flexibility if its somewhere you've worked for a long time with a good reputation. Ita also much easier to take a step back rather than a step up later.

YANBU to want to take a step away.

My note of caution is be realistic about what you need to do to get back in to your career in the future.

I had a high powered career, DS2 was born mid-covid. A mix of childcare issues (covid closed down several nurseries near us), PPD, and generally being worn out by work led to me leaving. It was the right thing to do, I had a couple of lovely years at home with my kids. Went back to work three years ago in a junior part time role. And now I’m totally stuck. I can’t get back in to my previous sector, I can’t move up in the sector I’m in, finding another part time role seems impossible. I still know that stepping away was the right decision, but I was unrealistic in my expectations to be able to get back in to a good career down the line.

Absolutely! Some people have an oddly binary way of thinking on here that childcare is solely a women’s responsibility and any time spent away from their child is akin to child abuse. Then, in another breath berate men for not doing any childcare or housework.

It’s completely possible to have a well paid career and be there for your family. There is always this trope of ‘women can’t have it all’, but that’s dependent on what women want.

I believe I have it all (in terms of work and family life) and we have built that in a way it works for everyone. It won’t suit everyone, of course it won’t as everyone is different. You need to build a life that works for your family.

If I were the OP I would look to getting a second opinion (therapist, career coach, someone outside of the family who has been through similar). I also work in a very technical job and after maternity leave, having not used that part of my brain for ages, I felt similar. I think there was a bit of underlying PND, imposter syndrome, etc. what really helped me were lean in circles. I spoke to women in a similar position and I found it enormously helpful.

I did change jobs, in fact I got a promotion! I had more flexibility and my husband also negotiated more flexibility. It made things so much easier. We both work full time, and are well paid. We have quality family time and we all enjoy holidays (which get very expensive when they start school!). I like the fact we can save up a nest egg for them for uni or a house (or even just a contingency). I feel fulfilled in my role and enjoy using my brain in a technical way, I feel proud of myself and the sort of role model I want to be for our children. Same with our set up, it’s not one parent doing everything, we both contribute equally financially, emotionally, and with time.

I work in a similar area and my career ambitions took a back seat after having children. I very nearly gave it up, but I’m so glad I didn’t as I’ve now got a flexible WFH role that pays pretty well.

After I had the kids, I made a conscious decision to go part time, I did not go for any promotions and avoided line management.

When the kids got older I was able to work full time again but I didn’t go for anything too high powered or out of my comfort zone where I’d have to spend lots of time training/learning new tech. I can spend more time with the kids and can do lots about the house.

Unless you hate the actual job it might be a good idea to cut your hours and just coast for a while. Or change jobs to a similar one but with less pressure.