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AIBU?

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Original poster

Funeral issues - boyfriend

57 replies

DocLot · 10/02/2026 19:15

I’m really hoping that someone can talk some
sense into me please.

My partner of 9 years sadly lost his mother after Christmas. The funeral was last week. I’ve been there trying to support him through it all. He has needed quite a bit of support. He appears to deal with some of his grief by talking to me for hours about their time together. I’ve been encouraging him and supporting him as best I can.

I wasn’t invited in the funeral car even though there are three spare seats. I kind of understand this though, as I’m not immediate family. However, when they arrived at the crematorium for the service, I was standing there and he just walked straight past me and I ended up sitting on my own for the service. I appreciate that this is a family event and also it’s a very emotional moment but we’ve been together for a very long time and I knew his mother well. Also, he has leaned on me quite heavily (to the point where I am genuinely exhausted comforting him - my own dad has been in hospital and I’m trying to hold down a full time job as well as manage pets etc) and I just felt a bit hurt by this.

Part of me feels like I’m being bloody ridiculous and I KNOW that the day wasn’t at all about me. But it’s part of a wider context where I feel like he is embarrassed about our relationship. He refused to tell his friends about me for several years, he won’t be connected on social media and it’s just a recurring theme where I don’t feel like he actually cares about me. I feel awful for feeling hurt by this whole thing, I really do.

AIBU?

OP posts:
AnSolas · 10/02/2026 19:32

Sorry not sorry
But a funeral is for the living.

His mum is gone and its the ones who are left that matter at the service.

You are his family
His partner for many years but he is not willing to "introduce" you to his living family as his family member as someone who is important and who loves him and is loved in return.

It would be different if you were a short term relationship but you are not short term.

So unless he as Notquitetheplan suggestes a culturual reason where women dont attend services etc he is showing you he is not wiling to have you stand beside him.

Original poster
DocLot · 10/02/2026 19:32

Notquitetheplan · 10/02/2026 19:21

This seems very strange, unless there are cultural explanations this sounds like he’s showing you that you are not included in his nearest and dearest. Sorry OP I would not be happy with this at all. You deserve someone who cherishes you not keeps you at arms length when it suits.

There are no cultural issues that I’m aware of.

OP posts:
gototogo · 10/02/2026 19:29

It’s common in my experience for partners to sit in the row behind the family, even if they have been married for years.

Whatayear2026 · 10/02/2026 19:28

That’s awful. You are either a couple or you’re not. Did you mention it to him? What did he say? I would be hurt and yes you’re right that he is not acting like you are together. You could have said something to him before the funeral about the car and told him you weren’t happy.

BusyBeeeeee · 10/02/2026 19:25

Yes I can understand why that's hurt you, it's quite unusual behavior.

My boyfriend of 3 years didn't invite me to his mother's funeral, even though I'd met her and was upset by her passing too. I too found that really hurtful and confusing to process.. But 9 years in is really really strange behaviour.

Sorry to hear about your own Dad too. Does your boyfriend support you around that or is it a very one-sided relationship?

IamSmarticus · 10/02/2026 19:25

You are not being ridiculous at all. After 9 years together, I would expect to be in the funeral car with my partner and not ignored.

What do you get out of this relationship?

Notquitetheplan · 10/02/2026 19:21

This seems very strange, unless there are cultural explanations this sounds like he’s showing you that you are not included in his nearest and dearest. Sorry OP I would not be happy with this at all. You deserve someone who cherishes you not keeps you at arms length when it suits.

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