Funeral issues - boyfriend

You are his long term partner. You should have been in the car unless it was full of very close family - for example if she had lots of children.

He has shown you his true colours OP. Now and in the past. Don’t hang around for a similar incident in the future - past behaviour is a very good indicator of future behaviour

He refused to tell his friends about me for several years, he won’t be connected on social media and it’s just a recurring theme where I don’t feel like he actually cares about me
That's so weird. Not normal at all, sorry OP

NEXT!!

Despicable behaviour OP from him and sorry you had to go through that.

I was in similar situation for my father in law. I was in funeral car, but dsis in law made sure there was no room in front row for me (there was plenty of room) even though I've been with DH for 20 years and loved his father. What made it more heartbreaking was his DM was in front of me panicking, saying where is MrsMillyFluff??? I had to pat her shoulder and let her know it was fine, I was just behind her, DH was carrying the coffin so didn't realise I wasn't with the funeral party. My sis in law has form for jealousy and basically being a bitch.It wasn't the rest of the family, just her.

I think the fact that you don't live together, makes things a whole lot easier OP. You're obviously a decent person, and I think would find it difficult to end the relationship while he's in the initial stages of grief, but I think the best thing to do would be to start spending less time together, be a little less available, and then when you feel that the time is right, maybe 2 or 3 months, I would end this relationship, as you clearly have your doubts about how important you are to him, and that's no way to live your life. So end things with him, and give yourself the opportunity to find someone who truly loves and appreciates you.

I think you let this pass. He is struggling and from your own comments is strongly in the hold of grief, not surprisingly. It’s not unusual to not be in the car, who does and doesn’t go in the car varies a lot and there is no particular normal. As for the service itself it’s not that unusual to sit separately either in my experience and a good chance he simply didn’t realise, rather than it being deliberate. I don’t think it’s worth the upset overall to raise it.

I barely functioned at my partners funeral. He did not see you because he maybe couldn't see anything at all clearly and was just going through the motions. Don't take it to heart.

Just because he’s dealing with a bereavement doesn’t mean he can’t support you aswell. You should be a team.

I hope your dad gets well soon.

Not being treated as family at a funeral after 9 years together is awful. I think I’d have to carefully reconsider the relationship OP.

When my DF died I was incredibly disappointed in my DDs boyfriend of 2 years, as he didn’t even offer to go with her to support her. Despite being 19/20 he knew my DF and she needed his support. I expected him to be there with her, and that’s just a 2 year young persons relationship, so in your case OP I would be very upset indeed.

I was about to say this.

@DocLot - Women Who Love Too Much would be a useful read for you.

Leaving aside the funeral there's a lot of red flags prior to this, sounds like placemarking until someone "better" comes along.

OP please know your worth and don't settle, listen to your gut.

My sil had her boyfriend of six months in the funeral car with us at her mum’s funeral. They split up six months after that. Nobody gave a stuff. She wanted him there, that was fine.

This guy sounds totally selfish and self absorbed- grieving or not. He’s not thought about you or been kind on so many occasions. Time to give up on him and give yourself a chance to meet someone who will cherish you (and deserve you).

You're not being unreasonable at all. I was with my partner in the family car when his mum died, we'd been together about 3 years? And I was with him when his dad died of course.
While there's no right or wrong way to deal with grief, shutting you out until it suits him isn't respectful to you and after 9 years that's the very least you should expect.
Take care, hope find out some answers and turn a corner with him, if not, I guess you have to find out how much of this you're willing to accept going forward.

I wouldn't take the funeral as a sign of anything. But there are lots of red flags in everything else.

My grandfather died in November. My husband and I had been married for 6 weeks at the time but we've been together about 8 years. He was, of course, given a place in the funeral car, as was my brother's girlfriend, and we all sat together for the service. I would have found it profoundly odd if my grandmother had suggested anything different. This isn't a normal way for you to be treated, OP, and it's entirely justified that you feel uncomfortable and upset about it.

At my DMs funeral we only had one car and it was me and my 3 siblings in that car. There were spaces but not enough for all partners, or grandchildren, so no-one else came in it, so I can understand thats a possible.
However on reaching the crematorium we sat with our respective DH/DW/DP and our children. One of the siblings has been with their partner 8yrs, no children but they were treated as an equal partner .
Id speak to him and ask what's going on. It seems a real disparity for relationship for 9 yrs.

The funeral car thing: in my family, people are grouped. So the chief mourners (which doesn't include in-laws) are in the first car, close relatives like grandchildren next, representatives from the different families within the wider family and then friends and in-laws if there's room. It isn't personal, it's just how it is for us.

In the church or crem we'd obviously have more space so its odd that you were stuck at the back alone. If it were a parent's funeral, siblings would sit together with their partners and children sat in the row behind.

But it seems that your issue is bigger than this funeral. I don't think the funeral is the right thing to use to express your general unhappiness as your partner will understandably be defensive.

My partner and I have been together for 4 years, he never met my mum sadly as she’d always cancel arrangements (she was an addict) and we eventually fell out. He was there with me at the hospital when she passed and took me every night prior to that. He came in the funeral car and sat with my brother and grandparents and mums partner at the front of the church.

I understand grief can change you sometimes but I’d also be extremely upset OP.

It was just me and Mum for Dads funeral 33 years ago. I remember standing up and seeing my best friend and her parents in the back row. I fell apart.

You’ve been wise to listen to your instincts and preserve your independence. It doesn’t sound as though you are a priority and it sounds as though you offer far more support than you receive.

You both have a lot going on right now and, after 9 years, there’s no particular need to rush to a conclusion right now. Concentrate on your dad and on self-care and perhaps just have a little less availability for someone who doesn’t priority your feelings. But don’t feel you need to increase the stress and drama in your life by finishing this relationship right now.

Look after your peace and deal with this when you feel strong enough to deal with it.

When somebody shows you who they are -believe them.
You are not important to him. He is very important to him.
He is using you.

At fils funeral only mil and her children(all adults) were in the car and they all sat together and I was left with two early teen children who were absolutely devastated and heartbroken for the full service aswell as nieces and nephews .

so when it came to MILs funeral I suggested that they went in the cars together but sat with their individual familes due to needing support with our children.

it worked well for us. Not being in the car didn’t bother me but to be ignored during the service isn’t great.

After 9 years his behaviour is very strange even with the grief. If your lives aren’t together (living etc) do you think you’re maybe on different pages?

I had a difficult relationship with my MIL, but when her own mother died she made sure I was included in the funeral car because I was her son’s family and because I got on great with her Mum (my DP’s DGM). She even kept a few things for me to inherit that related to a shared interest me and her DM had. Funerals are when you really come together as a family despite differences, or find out that maybe you aren’t family at all.

if it was a total one-off I’d let it go, but it would make me quietly evaluate all aspects of the relationship.

I think it might be time to re-eavluate your relationship and ask yourself what you are actually getting out of it