Struggling with Boundaries and Space in My Home with My Partner’s Ex and Daughter Involved

When what is my partner provide?

Don't blame us and get annoyed! You are the one allowing this situation!

Get rid of him if you need to ask that question

fgs.

this is all entirely of your own making. if you don't want to provide a home for him and his kid then don't. you own a house and decided to let him stay and he pays utility only so he doesn't get an interest in your home.

his child stays when she sees him and he has made effort to decorate the spare room where he lives and pays rent to you. again this is a child you knew existed when you let him move in.

these are all decisions you made. you can change your mind at any time.

So what do you suggest? Because your partner doesn't have a house.

This is the same as every family where the parents live apart. Our house is full of DSDs stuff even though she doesn't live with us primarily. But that's just the way it is when you are with someone with children.

Actually I think you’re kind of misunderstanding what everyone is saying! Everyone is agreeing with you that you shouldn’t have to do this if you don’t want. And so you just need to kick him out. We’re all just kind of getting wound up that you can’t see that it’s your partners fault, not the ex!

Did you arrange the job for him as well?

What do you want to happen?
He stays and you have a conversation about what works for you in your house (it's her room with her things that can be put away when she's not there, and it also remains an office/dressing room for you)?
She never comes?
He sees her somewhere else? At his parents?
He moves out?

Tell us what you'd like to happen in an ideal world and then we can go from there

If he lives with you there has to be space for his DD. However, he doesn't have to live with you to have a relationship with you.

I think if you want to live with your DP you have to accommodate his daughter. I don’t think giving her her own room is unreasonable if all it was previously being used for is wardrobes etc and you have another spare room. I think she needs her own space more than you need to keep old clothes! And if you want some space when she’s visiting better if she has her own comfortable room to retreat to.

That said I think your partner could help out by maybe renting a storage unit etc.

And if you don’t like it then of course it’s open to you to ask your partner to move out and rent somewhere with his own child or go back to his parents. What you can’t do though is carry on the relationship with him and make his daughter feel like a burden/ unwelcome- that would be cruel.

@Curlywurly92 you need to end this relationship.

Your DP has a child. If you decide to date a man with a child, you need to make space for them in your life. If you decide to live with a man who has a child, you need to make space for them in your home (irrelevant who pays the mortgage).

Your DP would seem to see this as you living together - he's contributing quite equally to living costs. You seem to see this as letting him live with you - he's renting space off you and this space doesn't include the space he needs for his daughter. Your post screams of all of this being a huge imposition on your space, illustrated by comments of her being 'allowed' to change the duvet cover. This is not blending a family.

Please walk away now - it's in everyone's best interest, including yours

OP, so what would like to happen in an ideal world? What are the specific boundaries you are envisioning? I’m not sure it’s clear even after all your updates.

As soon as you thought you were rid of her you sold her bed and reclaimed the room and now she's back you have an issue with her wanting to use the room again. Fucking hell!

You don't want a man with a child OP. That much is clear.

If he is living with you and contributing, then it is no longer just your house. He should have a say on how the space is used as it is his home too. In those circumstances, his daughter needs a room that is hers. You need to allocate the space for her whether this is every other weekend and school holidays or something else.

If the arrangement is temporary, and you don't want him and his daughter there then tell him. This is clearly not a short term thing though if he has taken over the room, mum has taken her abroad, you have reclaimed it and now they are back.

He needs to accommodate his daughter and if you are not up for that in your house then he needs to move out.

If he is staying why can't the guest room be dual use - so for your mum if she stays but also with wardrobes for some of your clothes an the other room be for his daughter?

@Curlywurly92 I agree with @SplendidUtterly - he needs to sort himself out, get hisnown life and housing in order. Get yourself out of this and try again (if you want; I wouldn’t) only when he has things on an even keel with ex and child.

But it is his house too. And she's his daughter. It's not his house technically but it is his home and therefore, by extension, it's her home. It sounds as if you didn't really think this through before allowing him to move in. If you loved her and saw her as your stepdaughter for life then you'd not resent her having a room of her own when she's there. The fact that you do tells me you don't see her as a permanent or important fixure in your life, more like a temporary inconvenience.

I don't think you want a relationship with a man who has a child. You might think 'yes, but I really want this man.' But it can't work like that. He comes as a package or not at all. It's okay to not want it. It's a big thing. Huge compromises need to be made. It's not for everyone. But none of this is the little girl's fault and you knew she existed before you chose to get heavily involved.

I think you should ask your partner to move out and make his own arrangements for housing himself and his daughter EOW. I don't think this is the right relationship for you. If you can't find it in your heart to be more accommodating towards this little girl then do them both a favour and cut him loose. It's not going to work out.

A parent should be able to provide a home for their child where that child is always welcome and has their own space that is not loaned them under sufferance.
If you don't want your home used in that capacity, which is understandable, then you need to be very clear with your partner, and he should then look for a place of his own where he can home his daughter. I very much doubt he will do that, as he has a cushy number with you, so he'll stay put and continue to push your boundaries so he can use you to provide for his DD what he should be providing.
Then, you will either relax your boundaries because he will make you feel guilty about his DD, or you'll tire of being used and ask him to leave. Personally I'd save time by moving straight to the second one.

what stuff can't you fit for a singular adult in a a 3 bed house?

Honestly I would never, ever, ever take on someone else’s child. It is the most thankless job you could ever do without anything in it for you. I would be so absolutely angry to be in your position. You worked hard to buy your own house where you should have your own rules and comfort and you’re being cornered into this situation. His child, his problem to sort out her living arrangements. If he really wants to be with you, he will move out and sort out his own situation and still want a relationship.
it sounds like you don’t even have your own kids, can’t imagine why you would want to do all of this for someone else’s!

And despite that level of neglect his current court case is for EOW?

poor child appears to have two poor parents in that case.

then end it and tell him to leave?

thats the only solution, as long as you are together and he lives there she will be staying when he sees her. if he gets custody she will Iive with you the majority of the time. if you don't want that you need to break up and let him have the time to sort himself out before court.

How long have you been together?

To be honest, I do think you’re being a bit unreasonable. If you date a man who is a father then his life will be dictated by his children. At least when he has custody. That’s how it’s supposed to be.

If you aren’t happy setting up as a family home, you will have to have a difficult conversation.

I think you should end things and meet a man who is single and childless. This child of his will be an issue between you through your whole relationship otherwise.