Struggling with Boundaries and Space in My Home with My Partner’s Ex and Daughter Involved

You are being used. Darling daddy isn't prepared to pay for a house when he's wheedled his way into yours. His poor child isn't the issue here it's the cocklodger who oh so generously pays towards to bills. Adults generally do have to pay something towards heating, electricity, food and council tax. He is not doing you a favour here.

You have been naive and rather hasty in allowing this man into your home. Any parent needs to provide a home for their children and this does need to be considered when thinking about living together. But he isn't providing a home, he's riding on your coat tails. Please get rid of this man. He needs to step up and become the main carer for his child in his own place especially if the mother gets so drunk she passes out.

But this is part of being in a relationship with a man who is a father. If you don't want that, just end it with him.

Bit weird. "ChatGPT, tell me why I should be dating my partner, for Mumsnet."

And how do you think all of that would work if and when you had your own child? Children come with toys and clutter and a certain amount of chaos. Treadmills are an unnecessary luxury you probably won't have space for. If your house being tidy and organised is more important to you than your partner creating a loving home environment for his child then you need to end this relationship.

I agree with everyone else, it seems he's fallen on his feet rather too easily with you. But that aside, he needs to do all this for his child. He can't just make her and all her stuff disappear. If you want him to live with you then this is your life now and you have to adapt to it. If you don't want this life then you have to ask him to move out. There isn't another solution.

mmmm i thought so

The child is 6, they need their own homely space and their toys around

ChatGPT.

My question is: when you were 6, would you have been fine with sleeping in someone else's spare room with a load of spare room stuff in it? Where all your stuff had to be removed each time you went away? Or would you have felt a bit unwanted by this and like you weren't really welcome?

Yes, but a parent and their child come as a package @Curlywurly92.

is this a quote from something?

So your partner pays half of bills excluding the mortgage but wants to dictate what you use the rooms for? You are happy for the child to stay and make the spare room nice for her, but he wants her to have a permanent room? That would mean you putting your wfh set-up, treadmill etc into your spare room, yes? Even though she only stays once a fortnight? And it’s then too crowded in the spare room to use anything?

two options here. One, your partner moves the desk, treadmill etc every single turnaround before and after, so you use your room as an office/gym when she’s not there but it looks like hers. He does this without moaning.
Two, he pays half the mortgage costs, half bills, and buys all food for his daughter, and then she keeps the room permanently. He can’t have both.

Sounds like you want him but not his baggage which you should have thought of before. You can’t expect his child not to have a room when he is officially living there.

The only way you get out of this is by ending the relationship and he finds somewhere else to live. Next time don’t date men with children.

You fling around mutual respect and blended families but having a room that is hers for EOW is perfectly reasonable respectful request

you aren’t ready for this this relationship isn’t for you

@Curlywurly92

You are being a complete mug.

This man saw you coming. You got him a job and you've given him your house effectively.

That poor child has two useless parents who between them can't offer her any stability. He's not a good father. A good father would be able to stand on his own two feet, get his own place and make sure his DD has a calm safe space if her mother is so chaotic. Not trying to shoehorn her into his new girlfriend's house.

I'm going to ask a sensitive question but was there are overlap in your relationship and the one with his ex?

This thread is a bit confusing but basically:

If you and your partner are officially living together and he is paying half the outgoings on your property, then yes he's entitled to have a room for his daughter who will be staying every other weekend. She's not a 'guest' so shouldn't be in the spare room. This is her home.

If you're not officially living together and you don't want to share your space with your partner's child, you need to tell him to move out and get a two-bed flat. That will probably end the relationship but that's your choice.

It doesn't sound like you actually want the kid in your life, just her dad.

The saying that I wouldn’t be moving in anyone while mini blondes is young

not sure I want to live with anyone again / been married twice and I like my own space

whose idea was it to move in to yours ?

why can’t he rent his own place

Tell him he's to only keep the minimum amount of child's things as you need the room for storing toyr things, aa it's not working you having no space. You need to use the room when she's not there to make life easier. OR. He needs to go.

He's using you. And you're letting him. Your boundaries are not unreasonable and if was a decent person, with the slightest consideration for you, they wouldn't need to be set.

Accept that your choice is to spend the rest of your life with a self-centred user, or end it.

I am carrying all this alone, he doesn't have to comprimise anything or sacrifice or pay for his accomodation??!!!!!

He doesn't have to compromise became doesn’t need to.
He doesn't sacrifice anything because he doesn't need to.

He has a place to live where his DC can also stay, he's fine with that.

He's also fine knowing that all this bothers you yet does nothing about it.

He earns, as you say good money he could rent a place of his own, even a one bed as he doesn't seem to have his DC often and by the sounds of it sporadically at that.....But he's fine not doing that, because he doesn't need to.

You need to either accept the situation as a whole or ask him to leave and go back to his parents, I'm sure they'll not turn him away and decide if you want to restart the relationship again knowing what you're about to walk into.

You have choices.
Put your foot down from the onset and wait a longer period for him to move in or walk away and have you sanctuary back to how it was before.

Given your updates about her Mother’s drinking, I think that your partner needs to apply for primary custody of his daughter, not EOW. He needs to protect her.

That won’t work for you so I think he needs to move out and get his own place. You can still date, but living together isn’t going to work.

TBH it sounds like you don’t really like your DSD and only tolerate her. There is no love or care in your posts towards her. Your partner is contributing towards your home together and naturally wants his daughter/your stepdaughter to feel welcome with a space of their own.

I hope your partner does leave and finds a home of his own for his daughter.

There are so many red flags that you have thrown up that I hope he sees it and leaves for the sake of his daughter, their future together and his own peace of mind.

Next time don’t get into a relationship with someone who already has children.

People aren't being horrible to you. Many pp have suggested options for you. Mine, as I posted above is that he should rent his own place where he can keep a dedicated room for his daughter.
You do not all have to live together. By doing so he is using you.

It’s your home. You pay the mortgage. You don’t want to share it with his daughter as she is taking over your personal space @Curlywurly92

thats fine

I even get it. I have a 3 bed house and my bedroom. Mini blondes room and then spare room / which I have my stuff in

in if I met someone I would begrudge losing my spare space bedroom

is it 2 beds - so yours and spare room which is your extra room /mum to stay and the daughter every other weekend

or 3. If 3 can’t the spare room also be dd as guessing your mum isn’t going to stay when there daughter does

so you need to decide if this is going to go anywhere and buy a joint home together in years to come

which has enough bedrooms so that his daughter has a room

or not live together

it’s unclear how long you have been together

but he saw you coming. Via you he has

a roof over his head
a place to have his dd
a job via your family
a car via your family

nothing like a homeless man falling in love

its so infuriating, then acting like lemmings in their own homes.