Struggling with Boundaries and Space in My Home with My Partner’s Ex and Daughter Involved

These threads drive me absolutely insane - I don't know why I do it to myself😂

Literally every response "kick him out" "let him sort his own home for him and his daughter" "you're a mug" "why are you doing everything for him?"

OP - Why is everyone saying I should give him everything?

You are being taken for a ride. With every new post you write it is obvious that the current arrangement doesn't work for you at all.

Many, MANY, MANY people have said that he's taking you for a mug and that you should kick him out? Are you just not bothering to read those comments?

OP, you say your DP “says hes not going to buy a house. So my house it is” - what happens if you and he break up? Does he live in the street and never see his DD? What are your long term plans? Are you intending to get married and have DC of your own? And are you happy to provide him with a house which, if you do get married, will be half his? I couldn’t cope with a man who is happy not only not to have his own home, but to live with his parents and now you. You are going to have to think long and hard about where this relationship is going - if you’re in it for the long haul, then his child will become your stepdaughter and as she gets older will need her own room. If you need an office and your own mother comes and sleeps over, is a three bedroomed house going to be big enough for you all? If you move, will he be contributing? Frankly, OP, you’ve got bigger problems than worrying about where your spare clothes are stored, and whether it’s reasonable to give up your storage space for your partner’s child. You need to assess your future - at the moment, your DP seems to be having it all his own way, and you need to think about how far you are prepared to let him, and what you stand to lose by taking the relationship further. You also need to think about his daughter - the loser in this situation seems to be a six year old who doesn’t even have her own bedroom.

I have accommodated her needs for many years, even for six months after I bought the house, before I had even met my partner.

I truthfully have no idea what this means. How could you 'accommodate her needs' before you met her father?

Look OP, it sounds like her mother is less than optimal and you and her father moved hastily without thinking about the ramifications. It's OK for you to say it isn't working for you but I sense a lot of resentment of a 6 year old child who has zero agency in the situation. You talk about her reclaiming one of your spare rooms as if it's the Anschluss. She is 6, she needs to have a bit of stability and if you don't want to be a part of that you know what you have to do.

You've just said in your other post generated by ChatGPT that he's incredibly proactive round the house?

Did you actually plan for him to move in, or did it happen gradually? Is he living with you permanently or temporarily? Your initial posts made it sound like he wasn’t even living there.

You don’t sound happy about any of it, him OR his daughter. Is suggest he moves back out and you live separately.

Step mum here 🙋🏻‍♀️ well ex, divorce in progress…I think both of you are a bit of a problem here.

Firstly, you need to legally protect your home should you ever marry. I’d even be tempted to draw up a tenancy agreement and have him pay peppercorn rent.

About the bedroom, you’re with a parent. I’d turn one of your bedrooms into a bedroom form his young DD. I’d put plenty of storage in there to accommodate your things too. A couple and young child should be able to live in a three bedroom house. We were a couple it three children under two at one point - we made it work.

The other option is that he moves out but, if you want the relationship to work, you will eventually have to make room for DSC.

I don’t think a 40 minute journey is horrific, although it’s not great at 7pm. Just as mum if she can be collected earlier or the next morning.

This isn’t the an ex or SC issue, this is down to you and your partner

This is really well written and I totally agree

How long have you actually been with your partner - this partner whom you have provided a roof over his head and even got him a job !
AND you helped with is application for his daughter ?!!!

This partner whom you inform us is not prepared to buy a house

What a catch.

Apart from kindness towards you and ' proactive around the house ' - which btw you could find a handyman for ! how does he enhance your life on a daily basis ?

Agreed.

If you want to be with her dad and he lives with you then she needs a proper bedroom at yours. Not a nice duvet and some cushions that get tidied away once she leaves.

If you don't want that then end the relationship.

I don't see a problem with what you are suggesting.
he can pack her things away in plastic tubs in-between her visits.
There's no issues with that
Your things stay in the bedroom she uses and she's told not to touch them .
I was staying at my dad's at the same age ,using the bedroom of an older step sibling who was at uni ..I managed quite well with out a room to myself 4 days a month ..I managed quite well to not touch my older step siblings possessions .
This should not even be an issue.
However
Is his job being tied up with your family going to cause issues when you realise this relationship is not for you
Because op ,you are giving and giving and they are taking and taking ,and your feeling pushed out in your own home .
At some point you will be so sick of the situation,you will want to end things ,and then he could lose his job as well as his home ..he's a very silly man to get himself in this situation..but that's not your problem.
He sounds like a taker ,And i think he's taking you for a ride

Why on earth did you let him move in and make your house his current address if you weren't prepared to accommodate his child needing to stay over regularly? Especially knowing he was going to court to presumably get better access.

Of course she should have a proper bedroom, fully kitted out, at her father's address. If you didn't want your stuff displaced by his child, you shouldn't have got into a relationship with him.

As for your claim that you are putting a roof over their heads – he's paying half the bills, no? And it's kind of the point when someone comes to live in your property.

You sound very unsuited to being in a blended family.

can you please give us timelines

1. how long have you been together
2. how long after being together did he move in
3. when did she start staying
4. did you think she would never stay over regularly
5. why does it matter what room she is in, use the one thats easiest

no one is criticising you putting a roof over her head.

the problem has gone from bf wanting to decorate and change the room, to not having enough space, to wanting to pack and unpack the room, to custody issues, to bf not paying or contributing enough, to providing her a room even before you were dating?

break down the issues, use paragraphs or bullets for each issue if it helps. thank you

I have accommodated her needs for many years, even for six months after I bought the house, before I had even met my partner.

What do you mean you accommodated her needs before you had even met your partner when you said you didn't meet her until 3-4 months after meeting your partner?

She's not a fucking guest. You and him, together, put in a custody application for her to LIVE with you, at that house, at the weekends.

Letting her pick a duvet cover doesn’t sound very welcoming.
A child spending contact time with her father overnight should have a space that is hers where she can keep some of her own items around her and not just the use of a guest room.
If you’ve let him move in and he contributes to the bills this is now his home and, hence, her second home.
If you’ve let don’t like it then that’s perfectly fine but you should be honest that a partner with a child will never be a good match for you and tell him so.
Poor child is getting a raw deal here.

@Curlywurly92 - can I suggest that you write a list of all the things you actually want or need - specifics like ‘somewhere for the treadmill to live’, ‘use of storage in the room your partner’s daughter uses’ - and what has to happen for you to get these things - then you can have a constructive talk with your partner about the things that you want/need in the house, and how these are to be achieved. And stress to him that you feel all the compromises have come from you so far, and that this needs to change.

Frankly, if he wants his daughter to be prioritised all the time, even when she’s not there, he needs to get his own house and prioritise her there. If he can’t/won’t do that, he needs to make some compromises too, and needs to acknowledge that you are housing him and his dd.

The child in the middle of all this must be so confused.
Why do so many parents have these chaotic, complicated lives because god forbid they end up on their own whilst their child is young?!

Dude comes with a kid, and she needs a bedroom, end of story. Fuck all to do with the ex.

I dont agree you should have to provide said bedroom though - kick him out if you dont like it.

a man has happily moved himself into your home and gotten a job and car from your families business all while telling you he doesn't intend to ever buy a house. And you're just rolling over.

Well of course he's not. Why would he when you've let him move in with you?