Struggling with Boundaries and Space in My Home with My Partner’s Ex and Daughter Involved

I just think why are you with him ? What do you expect when he has a small child ? I’m sure it’s not nice for her either coming over and feeling like she is taking over someone else’s space and not having a bedroom . I agree you are under no obligation to accommodate this but I don’t think you should be in this relationship at all if this is how you feel

So you have boundaries and feel like your spece is violated by other guests or just his daughter ?
Its really clear you do not want the little girl around and that's fine and a perfectly reasonable choice what's not is you wanting to shut the girl off to continue the relationship!
End it and find a partner who has no baggage that you sent want .

This isn’t about the 6 year old girl, it’s really about your frustration that your partner has brought nothing to this relationship other than drama and stress and work for you, whilst you have brought to the table accommodation, a new career, and a huge source of support in his court battle - which is all impacting you more than him despite it being his problem. It seems that he has delegated all of his problems to you and that you have sleepwalked into a situation which you have just woken up to.

And in the meantime there’s a sad little six year old that knows she’s resented. Dreadful.

Leave him then. I honestly don’t understand why childless people get into relationships with people who have young children if they can’t really be arsed with the child being around. You don’t want her taking space up in your house, her mum creates drama or whatever, you’re trying to justify it by saying she doesn’t like travelling to yours- eventually you’ll try to say she shouldn’t come at all.

Let him be a good dad and leave him.

He needs to move out and rent a 2 bed for himself and his daughter when she stays. You can see him the other weekend and a night per week see how things go. From my opinion of life though he’s working for a family member he’s living in your house so he’s landed on his feet so don’t be surprised when he moves on once you have boundaries in place. Also your opinion of his ex is probably caused by stuff he has told you, one of my exs did that about me poisoned peoples opinions of me telling them all sorts of lies.

So there are 3 bedrooms

why can’t she have the spare one as mum isn’t going to stay while she is

get something like this for her toys /stuff so all nice an neat /tidy and then you still have your room /office for stuff

I think she wants some1 to make up her mind ,for her? Even tho she’s not prepared to properly read, the replies she’s been given.
It’s like a riddle, but any answer is correct & bad!
I have to stop reading otherwise my eyeballs will fall out. 🫤

Ah op you don't want 'the kid's around full stop do you ?
End it ,it's never going to work and a bad situation all round for everyone .
The will end in resentment

Not sure how many times pp have stated this but the OP is just putting her fingers in her ears.

Hate to say it but you are a complete mug to be doing this. But then I think you know this. Are you frightened he will walk away if you tell him to get his own place?

So you want him to to move out and you live separately?
If so just tell him that ,,he can either accept that arrangement or you can go your separate ways

Oh poster. He is using you.

Open your eyes please. You are his walking wallet. His home his job his sex and his childcare. That’s all you.

You’re unhappy now imagine how much worse it’s going to get. Rather than get his own place and move slowly in your relationship his jumped form ex gf, to mummy, to new girlfriend.

It should’ve are or have applied to court. It should be him.

He was happy to coast along in his job with no home till you gave him everything on a plate. Stop helping him. Don’t let your family find his courses that he is not even interested in.

Once his got his feet in just a little further than he has, he will find a way to lose the job that won’t be his fault. Then you’ll feel even more stuck named in his court order as his child’s place to sleep. Then he will be a fully fledged cocklodger.

You haven't actually said what you want to happen? Do you want him to contribute more, to pay for renovations, to not have his daughter there, to not live there at all? What do you actually want OP?

This!

Off he fucks!

I agree. You just sound incompatible OP. It's totally fine not to want to give up this much of your space to the daughter of a fairly new partner, but in the current circumstances that means not living together.

Then tell him to move out. I don’t understand why you don’t. You aren’t happy having to make proper adjustments for his daughter, you say he’s not contributing to the renovations needed and you describe it all as you rolling over.
The situation clearly isn’t for you so end it.

I think you should go your seperate ways. You are clearly not cut out for a relationship with a man with children. No criticism there, I wouldnt want it either. Its not fair on either the child, or you. But is likely to do the child some long term damage.

I’m not sure I understand the issue. If he lives with you then part of that is his child having a space there- always, that’s part of being with someone who has children.

If you aren’t okay with that then you need to tell him that and he needs to move out, which he really should anyway & end the relationship if he knew how you feel about his child being such an inconvenience to your storage space.

"it feels like he’s been forced into decisions without fully considering my perspective"

He's not forced to make decisions without considering you or consulting you.
He chooses to do that because he thinks you are pliable and if he says I have no choice, you will accept that and accommodate whatever decision he has made.

I think you do have a say in this as he is living in your house (although paying utilities etc - but then he should be) and he has said he will not join you in buying a bigger house to accomdodate his DD.

So your perspective is much lower on his list of priorities. - have you discussed this with him? There's always more than one way to do things, but people will tend to go for the easiest option. Which at the moment is you providing accomodation for them both. A pp further upt the thread said that a 40 min car ride wasn't such a big deal. Maybe these things could be varied so that one week its her having the car ride, the next week staying at yours.

One of the main bugbears seems to be storage and constantly moving the DD's things from one room to another. You mention several times that its you that has to pack things away and get the room ready. If it bothers you so much, shouldn't he be doing this, its his DD? How much of the organisation, entertaining, supervision is he actually doing for her?

One short term solution - until the court is settled is that he could rent a Storage space nearby (and pay for it) to store stuff that would give you more space. Another short term solution to give you a bit of breathing space is that perhaps he could organise an AirBnB for himself and his DD occasionally (particularly if you feel he's not pulling his weight with the DD) when you want to have your DM or guests to stay.

Also very confusing about which mother it was that was passed out on the floor - was it partner's mother who was looking after the DD at the time or the DD's mother. If its his DD mother, the ex, then he's concerned for his DD safety, which is understandable. You say he's going to court over custody... are you prepared for him winning a high level of custody. It doesn't sound like you would be happy with that.

Otherwise, and outside of his needs and his DD's needs - it does seem that you are really fed up of having set up and pay for your own space, and now having to share it, or have someone else deciding how it is to be used.

I think you are also fed up of being at the mercy of what his ex wants and doesn't want, and see it as someone you have not connection with imposing her decisions on you whilst you have no say in it. I'm afraid that again is down to your partner. It comes across that you feel you gave them an inch and they are taking a mile. Again that is your partner, not his DD and not his ex. I feel sorry for the DD caught in the middle of this. Its not her fault.

If you find it difficult to get your point of view across to him and for him to set boundaries with his ex... for whatever reason.. perhaps you and he could go to counselling together to hash something out and see if there are concessions to be made on either side.

Maybe you aren't cut out for living together and he needs to rent his own apartment for a while whilst you both sort out how you want to proceed. But then he may not agree to continue.

Omfg.

op, can you go back and read the thread really slowly, stopping to understand what everyone is saying.

yes, op, yes, it is his fault.
yes, op, yes, it should be him who provides.

no, op, we agree, he’s not doing that.

so what you need to do, op, is to tell him to leave your house.

if you don’t want to do the last bit, what on earth can anyone say to help you when you’re basically saying

’my life is really shit because of X. However I’m not going to change X, and don’t you dare get at me for it.’

This can’t be real surely 😂

OP you sound like a 12 year old, “so I just have to share do I? WHAT ABOUT MEEE!”
grow up and leave the relationship, this whole thing’s a joke with a child (aka “the kid” as you so nicely put it) in the middle

Your partner who you live with has a daughter. She therefore should have a bedroom when she is staying with her dad.

If you don’t like this and want your space back then you can’t live with your partner. Ask him to move out and find accommodation for him and his daughter. Be prepared this could be the end of the relationship.

If it is then ensure any future relationships don’t involve children.

If you do want this relationship to continue and you are saying your house isn’t big enough for her to have a bedroom when visiting her dad, you need to move. Either sell yours or keep it and rent it out.

are you a bot? every time you post the situation makes less and less sense.