Struggling with Boundaries and Space in My Home with My Partner’s Ex and Daughter Involved

Wow poor child who is only 6 years of age. OP, do this man a favour and ask him to move out.

When you date/ live with a man who has a child then that responsibility also becomes yours. You are not in the head space to love that child and think of her in this messy situation.

Given the concerns about her mum, it's even a possibility that the court might award her dad full time custody. I don't think you would be a positive figure in that girls life sadly.

I do think some posters are being a little unreasonable about the space requirements. It's not uncommon (esp in new builds) for bedrooms to not accommodate all stuff for two adults. A home office is not a luxury for everyone (we have 2 and believe me it wouldn't be my first choice to use so much of our space in this way).

OTOH the child needs consistency and her own belongings in a space 'like a hotel room' isn't going to feel as much like home as having her own space. That said, if space is a premium something's got to give. Right now it seems to be your comfort or that of the child: what exactly is your partner sacrificing here? He's not willing to buy a bigger place together and is quite happy to jog along in the nice little job you got him.

With that said even if that wasn't the case, things can change. You mentioned the mother had been extremely drunk and had social services involved. With a child, you have to be willing to at least consider that they will one day need to live with you full time due to illness, injury, social services involvement or whatever. You don't sound like you'd be ready to have a teenager or young adult hanging about 24/7 taking over your guest room in your current living space. That'd be fine if:

• You can honestly say that you'd be fine accommodating the girl as much as needed if you had a bigger property (I'm not feeling this from your posts & if that's not the case, you should probably call it a day) AND
• You and your DP had an agreed strategy to make this happen

Otherwise I'd be inclined to step back from the responsibility and either split or go back to dating until you can agree on a solution that works for everyone.

Yes OP, YABVU!

It may be your house but by having a partner who has children live with you it becomes a family home. Either you’re a team and you take everything that comes with it or your DP is simply a lodger - don’t blur the lines.

I say this as someone who had my DP move into my house. My once classy lounge now has a Lego car and Xbox on display, my uncluttered hallway, a pair of work boots and rucksack abandoned each night, and yes.. I gave up wardrobe space, because whilst it might be MY house, it’s more importantly OUR home

What a cocklodger. Tell him to piss off. Living virtually rent free and has a cushy job off one of your family members. He’s fell well and truly on his feet. How dare he dictate what you do with YOUR spare room.

Do you want kids of your own OP? What would happen then? Would he still expect you to fork out on the mortgage.

He needs to move out and fine adequate housing to suit the needs of his daughter and himself.

It always fails to amaze me why childfree woman go for single dads. They wouldn’t have got a look in with me before I became a single parent. I don’t feel bad saying that either because most men feel the same about single mothers. I dated one single father once and honestly would rather stay single now than add extra stress in my life.

I said YANBU but now I’ve read more of your updates I think YABU.

He needs to prioritise his child and his child should have a space to call her own when she is staying at her dad’s. If you’re sharing a life/home with him his child comes as part of that package.

I think you’d be better off finding someone with no kids rather than setting “boundaries”.

He needs to move out. I would struggle to cope with that situation too.

It’s really not clear what you want here? Do you want him to pay more? Have less stuff for his dd? To see her more? Less?

There will be a way to approach getting what you want if you could be clear on what that is.

From my perspective you said you have 2 spare rooms. I think your dp should pay to kit one out so it can house her stuff permanently(toy box, wardrobe, some shelves). Then use your other room as an office/guest room.
If the odd guest needs to use her bed when she’s not there I think that’s fine.
He should also be paying some form of rent.

The other option, as others have said, is that you take a step back, he moves out to somewhere for him and his DD, you see him sometimes but you get your house back.

Regardless of who is 'at fault' here, and what the best option for everyone is, I'm wondering if you actually realize how inflexible you are being? There are so many ways you could arrange things to accommodate your partner's child and your stuff if you were willing to.

You might not be cut out for cohabitation - and that's fine, but not if a child is being made to feel unwelcome because of your living habits.

No one falls in love as someone needing somewhere to live.

Step mums on here generally get a hard time.

I think your partner is taking the piss. I think it's perfectly fine for her to use the guest room if you are doing as you say and putting her things in it each time she comes (or even leaving them there and having storage so you can swap them out them any time you have guests).

What your partner did was decide that his daughter should have the room that you use for your own things without discussing it with you, the actual owner of the home.

Nothing about your posts suggest you don't want her there or that you are making her feel unwelcome. The issue is that your partner is taking liberties with your space rather than asking you if there's a different way you could accommodate his daughter.

It seems that this particularly difficult time is temporary. Could you cope for now and when the custody arrangements are sorted you and your DP could have a conversation about what happens next? I would want to organise storage in the bedroom so she had some space and I had some too. I certainly wouldn't be wanting to move all my stuff out every other weekend. That would be insane.

Long term though, to have her living in your house in this same situation sounds like it would not be the best thing for anyone. You would become resentful and it would cause problems with your DP too.

Talk to him and let him know how you are feeling. He should be taking more responsibility really and not leaving it up to you to re-organise your home for his child.

OP - 3-4 months dating before he moved in and you had to take on a step parenting role is too soon.

There’s a phrase that’s been said on here already that no one falls in love so fast as a man who needs somewhere to live. Now, that may well not be happening here, but it’s all happened very fast and you’ve not had chance really to stop and think if you want to be a step mother.

So stop, do you want to be a step mum? If so, it’ll stop being your home and start being your joint home and dsd’s home, Same as her mums house is her home. It will stop being your space. If you are going to be a step mother to this girl, then it is unreasonable and unrealistic to have boundaries about your space as it’s not your space anymore, even if you own it.

Make a choice. If this isn’t what you want, then your DP needs to move back out. He gets his access and home sorted. You may want to share your home with him in the future, but only do so if you are happy to do properly and make it a family home for his child. If that’s not something you can do, then you need to only be in a relationship with a man who doesn’t have children.

I'll be honest @Curlywurly92 , I'm getting a bit confused at this point.

You say you pay the mortgage and he pays the bills - I thought you said originally that what he pays covers around half of the costs, so is that half of the bills excluding the mortgage? Or he covers half of all of the expenses and you just happen to be the one that makes the physical payment for the mortgage?

You're very clear that it is YOUR house both in terms of financial concept and space. If that's the case, why would you want him to contribute to renovations? I go back to my previous point and I'll phrase it as a question:

Do you live together or do you allow him to live with you?

If you live together, then he should be contributing to all costs (including mortgage and maintenance) with you looking to build a life together (and a home) going forward that you're both equally financially invested in and responsible for (whilst protecting your initial financial contribution) If this is the case, he also gets equal say in use of the space.

If you allow him to live with you then it's your house, your rules and your responsibilities. If he's effectively a lodger, then he's not really a partner. It also means he gets no say in how the space is used but has no responsibility for the renovation costs either.

You obviously don't want this young child in YOUR space. You're not embracing being in a relationship with a man with a child. You need to be done with all of it.

And DP means Dear Partner, common mumsnet shorthand

So in short, your partner wants your two spare rooms to be his DD's , one for storage all her stuff and the other to be her permanent , not pop up once a fortnight, bedroom ? You OTOH are perfectly happy to give her one of the spare rooms and one only ? Have l got that right ? If so I'm gonna go against the grain here and say I'm with you OP.

The boyfriend sounds like a bit of a loser, crap job and no home before you took him on.

You obviously don't want his child in your house and resent that her time there may increase. Send him back to his parents.

You have a choice

A) Continue living with this man and provide a bedroom for his daughter, because him and his daughter come as a package
B) Tell him he needs to move out and provide a bedroom for his daughter himself

That's it. Those are the choices. B could involve staying in a relationship with him, though I predict he will suddenly be much less in love with you once the house isn't part of the package.

If I were you I would pick B, complete with break up, all the live long day. Not only for yourself but for his poor DD.

If her mum is such a disaster, the DD may end up living with you full time

My no 1 rule only date men who have their own home. It saves a lot of hassle op. I voted yabu as only you have allowed this to happen. It’s your home.

Her father has to give her a room that is hers, not filled with her dad's new partner's stuff, ideally apporpriately decorated for a little girl that she can feel safe and secure in. Either you give her that in your house or he has to have his own place where he gives her that. If you're not willing to give her a room and he's not willing to get another place, you need to break up.

Ok I haven't read the entire thread, only OP's posts, but I'm confused as to whether the child has or hasn't yet stayed over.

'We dated for about 3-4 months before I met her then she started staying over'

'I have accommodated her needs for many years, even for six months after I bought the house, before I had even met my partner'

'She has never had to stay over before'

@Curlywurly92 can you clarify please as I don't understand whether you're talking about the situation as it actually is or how it will potentially be. I'm especially confused by you having accommodated the child's needs before even meeting her father!

Either way you're clearly not happy for the child to be sharing your space (which is a given when you allow a partner with children to move in with you) so you should ask DP to find alternative accommodation where he can have his DD.

@Curlywurly92 YANBU but you were unreasonable in the first place for letting your partner behave as though your house was his.
The narrative is that you've smoothed his path in every aspect of his life. Yes, his daughter is part of the package but not to the extent that you have to dedicate your space entirely to her.
As long as she has suitable space and things when she's with you, it's your house and your decision to use that space when she isn't.
A very clear and reasonable boundary to put to your partner and if he doesn’t like it he's free to make other arrangements.
Have you considered the possibility that the daughter may end up with her father though, given the situation you describe? That's a whole different ball game.

This is where you’ve lost me. YABVU. You have chosen to enter a relationship with a father, to the point of him moving in with you. He and his daughter come as a package: you can’t invite him to live in your house then begrudge his child sometimes joining him. You absolutely shouldn’t have let him move in, now you are obligated to also welcome his child.

You say you want the relationship to continue, which would ultimately end up with you as a step mother, but you clearly don’t want this. You should never have entered a serious relationship with a father unless you were willing to accept a big role in his child’s life.

If it were me I would finish this relationship before it’s too late. I can see what he gets out of it, but I’m baffled about what you are getting out of it. You could have a loving relationship without all this baggage.

I guess you. You need to decide, do you want a relationship with him, or not. His daughter is part of his life. If you decide you want a relationship with him then I think you have to embrace the daughter, that doesn’t mean he doesn’t have to pay for her stays or live in your house, But at the moment you sound a bit half in half out. Decide what you want and see if you match

As your DPs daughter gets older, she may want to stay with your DP more frequently or she may want/need to live with him full time and that's something you should be prepared for. If you can't imagine that situation, it's probably best that your DP finds his own place.