Struggling with Boundaries and Space in My Home with My Partner’s Ex and Daughter Involved

This happens every single time.

The conspiracy theorist in me believes it’s bots.

The subject matter is always rage bait - cocklodgers or feckless/cheating/emotionally unavailable hisbands. The OPs always start off nice and whatless (a very south London that’s difficult to explain) to get you emotionally involved and feeling sorry for them. 9 times out of 10 the OPs ignore the inevitable avalanche of LTB posts and instead just keep drip feeding reason after reason why they should LTB or they become aggressive and start attacking posters.

I’m 50:50 as to whether MN create the bots to drive traffic to the website and generate additional ad income or if it’s the Russians on some weird mission to divide the women of MN.

I read that she has a "room" but when shes not there her stuff is moved out to accommodate guests - so not really her own room. She's essentially also being treated as a guest.

Another one saying the OP should end it.

Perhaps the bedroom doesn't need to be pinkified - it could be decorated neutrally. But it needs to be the child's permanent room when she stays, even if her things are expected to be tidied away afterwards.

She isn't just a guest. One of the boundaries has to be a boundary around the needs of the child to feel secure and loved.

This won't happen if the child feels put up on a camp-bed in a random corner of a study/dressing room, barely tolerated by her father's partner.

The OP probably wants the child out of the picture - but it is so damaging to children not to have a good relationship with their parents. Many people find ways to make this type of situation work. Perhaps the OP and her partner could agree to live separately, if she just can't cope with a child who is not her own in her living space. If it can't work, it needs to end.

So he is your partner and lives with you, paying all of the utilities / giving you half ? Living with you full time ? And you knew he had a child when you got together with him?

Did he move in with you via stealth and you didn’t realise or something? Because if he moved in with your blessing / permission then where on earth did you think he was going to have his daughter? He lives with you.

this is a mess of your own making tbh - it’s entirely natural he’d want to have his child in his home- which happens to be your home too

I think what’s happening here is you feel resentful and you don’t want the child taking over any of your home:l

youll have to split up with him and boot him out won’t you?

This sounds like so much to unravel. The words you use. The blanket statements. I empathised at the start. Now you sound very selfish and deceitful with your words

No @Sudagame , daughter gets to use one room and then have it all put away as if she doesn't exist when she's not there

If he has a problem with her having to share the bedroom and only have it to herself when she visits, then maybe he needs to get his own place. It's your house, you set it up as you want. She has use of the guest room for the small number of nights she visits. No need for it to stay as a shrine to her when she's not there and you have other people to visit.
Sounds like he's trying to take over the house. I'd be asking him to look for a place of his own.

Your partners daughter deserves her own room, decorated for her, a space that is hers to make her feel like home. As it is! Its her home with her dad.
The child should be the priority here. Not you guests or your junk.

I think the only answer is to end the relationship. The child deserves time with her dad and her own space. You don't seem to appreciate that, fair enough, not your responsibility, but you can't live with a man who has a child if your not comfortable with the child staying over and having their own space. You also need to be prepared for the chance of him having full custody one day. If you would not be willing to live with his child full time, you shouldn't be living with him.

Maybe I'm misunderstanding but I've read it that the OP is willing to give her ONE bedroom but her dad wants her to have both spare rooms effectively ,one with her stuff stored in it and the other as her bedroom.....if so l can see OP''s pov ...... or maybe as l say l am misunderstanding.

Why the fuck are you putting up with this??

We dated for about 3 to 4 months before I met her, and then she started staying over
So really bloody quick then

To put it politely, whether or not he buys a house is not your problem.

She needs her own room with a stable parent. He needs to either buy or rent a home for him and his daughter. You don't need to split up with him, he can stay at yours a lot still if you'd like it, but his daughter needs a room to call her own at her father's place. Your place is not her father's place.

Having read more of OP’s posts, I think this sums it up nicely.

But what I find awful is the ‘blames’ tone with respect to the little girl, who is caught up in this. Not nice at all.

You invited your boyfriend to live in the house - he pay then his diameter gets a room. Ridiculous talk of boundaries.

Again you don't want his daughter then ask him to move out as you will be a horrible step mum

What on earth is wrong with you. You sold your partners daughters bed!!! Now your blaming a child for 'stealing it'!!!

Yet in another post you said 'we've' put in a custody claim!!!

It seems you feel imposed upon but you have agency in this situation, inform your partner of how you feel and either reach a compromise/solution or agree this relationship does not work for you both. Ultimately he has a child who has shared care of, he lives with you, I would say she needs her own room in order to feel part of the family and not just a guest.

Also, just because he is not on the mortgage / deeds, if he has contributed to the household financially, you may find he can demonstrate a beneficial interest, which may give him certain rights/protections, unless you have a clear cohabitation agreement.

He didn't have a place to live. An ongoing toxic relationship with his ex. A custody battle. A small child stuck in the middle of this maelstrom. And for some reason you became embroiled in all this drama after 3/4 months of dating. Why? I'd have sent him packing until he got his life together.

What are you getting out of this relationship? His life is a mess. But it's his mess.

He lives with you and pays half of all the household bills inc half your mortgage amount as 'rent' Then he's allowed a bedroom for his daughter. You have 2 extra ffs.

If you don't want his child then you need to split up

Obviously he doesnt pay my mortgage

Why is this obvious? I don't see why he can't pay you rent to contribute to the cost of the mortgage.

At 15:43 you said:

"I have accommodated her needs for many years, even for six months after I bought the house, before I had even met my partner."

That's a real headscratcher. You accommodated her needs before you met your partner? How did you meet 'the kid' if not through your partner?

I've been in a similar situation with a 'partner' and his two children. I ditched the lot of them.

I haven't read the full thread but you have 2 choices. Either give the poor child a bedroom for when she stays at the house her dad lives in... and by extension she lives in so many days per month. Or you tell him to move out. It is really that simple. Poor kids, always stuck in the middle of dysfunctional, immature families.

I feel so sorry for his daughter. I think he should move out and find a home for him and his daughter.

Im not sure what you expected dating / lettint him move in with a man with a child- she needs her own space when she’s there, also seeing her once every 2 weeks really is not much.

you obviously didn't discuss how this situation would work prior to him moving in (and by the sounds of it didn’t address any concerns when he told her it was her room). But to be honest, im not sure why it wouldnt be her room? It was a spare room- he moved in and has a daughter, where do you think she should go? Harry potter and live under the stairs? As thats the vibe your giving….

honestly at the start i thought you were in the right but the more ive read of your replies i just feel so so so sorry for that little girl- you obviously have no interest in her, yet your with a parent (even if he is only seeing her every 2 weeks)

sold the bed and relcaimed the room back. So far its the same, and now the kid is back trying to reclaim the room.

News flash- when you enter a relationship with a man who has a child, the house you share is no longer your own even if you bought it and pay the mortgage.

You don't refer to your partner's DD kindly. How does a 6 year old 'reclaim the room'. You talk about her like you are peers and you sound too immature to be in the situation you have found yourself in.

The poster wasn't swearing AT you: they were swearing within the context of their fucking post.