Struggling with Boundaries and Space in My Home with My Partner’s Ex and Daughter Involved

It doesn’t sound like a relationship with this man is right for you.
he comes with an ex and a child.
btw a 40 minute car ride is fine, her having her own room is ideal in a blended “family” but I don’t sense your viewing yourself as a family.

Lucky guy. A lovely lady took him in and now he has his feet under the table.

You aren't bad, but I suspect you've rolled over with your partner's shameless exploitation of you and abducation of his responsibility because you think it is the good thing to do and is morally desirable, but it isn't and it's not. You are not bad, but nor would you be bad to get rid of this cuckoo. He and his ex must provide for their daughter.

How soon into the relationship did you meet the daughter? Was he working for family member before you started the relationship?

EOW isn’t very much, would you be prepared to have her more?

😂

On top of that, my partner doesn’t have his own place.

Well, obviously.

He doesn't have his own place? As in he's homeless? If he doesn't live with you I don't understand why his daughter would have a room in your home.
So presumably he moved in by stealth? Your bf and his child are not your responsibility. It seems he's just using you for a convenient free home for him and his child.
Tell them both to go away and get their own house. What a lazy bum he sounds.

The living arrangements aren't working for you, the homeowner, so it's time for him to find himself a place for he and his daughter.

He and his daughter are 2 extra people in your space and you should have expected he'd be wanting room for his kid to stay and that you would have much less space of your own in your home. Of course you feel squeezed out. There's 2 of them and one of you and they've taken over what was your space. It sounds like he just glommed onto you for a place to live for the two of them, but it's not working, it sounds like he's taking a lot for granted here, and it's just not a living arrangement that works for you.

"now the kid is back trying to reclaim the room"

I don't think you're cut out to be a step parent

This. If you want to live with him, he pays half of costs and if you are happy and want to stay in the relationship then I dont think its unreasonable for one of your two spare rooms to be for his daughter however you obviously dont want her to have a room at your house so tell him that he will have to move out.

Oh for gods sake not another one 😭

Then tell him this so he can make alternative arrangements and decide if he wants to continue the relationship too.

How old is his daughter now?

You clearly don't want to live with a child and that's fine HOWEVER you should have been clear about this when he moved in.

So if DD visiting and having a space of her own is an issue, your DP needs to find his own place.

And sorry but its utterly ridiculous that you're saying both "we've submitted a court application" and that you want the spare room back for yourself. Where the eff is the child in the crossfire supposed to go if the court application goes your way?

You're too serious and involved about a boyfriend IMO.

Yes, I have been in that position except I had DC of my own. Everything became about him and accommodating his DDs wishes. I handled it by ending it. It is not on you to provide a home for him or his DD.

He’s your Partner and lives with you, if you don’t want to give up a room in your own house for this daughter then he needs to not live with you

what do your propose he do, go to a hotel every other weekend with her ?

and it’s been this way since she was 3 , I’m sorry but that poor girl , she will know you don’t want her there and will pick up on that so no wonder she didn’t want to come and stay

I’m not saying it’s your fault , it’s on your partner , but for the sake of the very young child ask him to leave as your not willing to give up your space for his child
( perfectly reasonable BTW but you can’t have him stay but not his child )

Apart from paying for utilities etc what does he bring to the table? What’s your relationship like?

Tbh sounds like he landed on his feet a good job with perks and now a home for him and his daughter. sounds a right catch.

I’m happy for my partner’s daughter to have her own space when she’s here, so I said she can use the guest bedroom, change the duvet whatever,

I never decorated it because I let him decide how it should be arranged for her

This was your downfall. You lead him to believe that it was ok and let him continue.

Whether you're a man or woman, in a relationship with someone that has DC in most cases there's going to be a time when those DC will be seeing their non resident parent which if includes overnight stays the DC will need somewhere to sleep. By moving the parent of a DC into your own home, unless your DP has somewhere else to go for the duration, you have to take into consideration that you need to also make space for the DC.

Come on, you started out with "I pay the mortgage" and finished with "he pays almost half the outgoings".

So if he pays about half, what did you think would happen?

You've been totally unclear IMO that you see him as renting a space in your house, rather than telling him you aren't moving in together, paying an almost equal share and having equal access to space. So I can see why he thinks the bedroom is going to mostly be used as a bedroom for his dd. In your own words you "let him decide how it should be arranged for her".

Basically he may not be the arsehole he was first portrayed as and you need a very honest conversation about your relationship and living status. Do you want a fully shared home with fully shared costs, potentially with him named on the mortgage when hisnfinances are settled and is that going to be your existing house or a new one? Or do you want him to move out? Realistically he can't rent your room amd run another home and his DD should be his priority.

How lovely that you told your partner he could change the duvet in your guest room for his daughter! Wow