I dont know what's going on with me...
I feel very ashamed because I think I've just given up. But theres so much there that could be salvaged. However I feel like I've come to the end of the line. I feel very selfish and ashamed.
I want to be desired. I want to spend time with someone who it feels like wants to be there. I want to be free. I ant to be in control of my own space.
Im aware im a big part of the problem in how im 38 ad maybe just having some kind of midlife crisis? I feel like those men who walk out of marriages because they think the grass is greener.
My husband is a good man. Hes a good father to our beautiful children.
I read such horror stories about men on here and I've had my own horrific experiences with men in the past. My husband although flawed like anyone is, is essentially a decent person.
Hes just very distant. I've known him since I was 21 and I've never seen him cry and rarely even seen him be earnest.
Hes 16 years older than me which I think has created some issues in that hes always been slightly jaded. Whereas id be approaching things with first time excitement, he'd be more on a down.
Things have steadily deteriorated over the last year. And I think its also due to me sort of growing up in a way.. although I feel like my dissatisfaction isn't mature. I feel like I should be able to accept the life I have and work to make the best of it for our children. I feel like that would be more adult. However i feel like I've grown in the sense I have a job I love, I have interests and dreams etc When we first got together I quickly fell pregnant and we moved for his job. I had no real career ambition so I did this willingly. I ended up being a SAHM for 9 years. I really lost myself. I was very depressed. I struggled with postnatal depression. He isn't a particularly high earner so I was essentially penniless for a lot of this time. We dont have joint finances although he does take care of all bills. For the first few years I literally had nothing but the child benefit to live on. Then when he got a promotion he would send me a couple of hundred a month. I didn't question this at the time. Its my own fault really. I slept walked into it because I think I was afraid of having agency. I was depressed and had low self esteem and felt like he was better being in charge of everything. He didn't maliciously do this I just put him in that position. I was afraid of myself. Lots of issues in my childhood of being told I was crazy and out of control etc.. lots of watching a very traditional set up in my parents marriage. My mother never worked and appeared quite emotionally unstable, bad decisions with money.. my dad took care of everything.
I think I've been afraid of myself.
The trouble is I feel like I put my whole being into my marriage and family but that hasnt been returned.
My husband seems perpetually dissatisfied with life. He did a masters and got promoted again. We have 3 children in total. We bought a house. With my savings (65k) as the deposit However he pays all the mortgage.
Over the years he's hurt me by constantly banging on about all he could have been and done.. I think he struggles with depression. Occasionally he will say that but then take it back if I urge him to go to the doctor or get counselling etc.
If we spend time together as a couple or as a family, its always arranged by me and he joins in with some level of reluctance. I know it was wrong of me to make this my whole world but it was my whole world and so the fact it was never fulfilling to him just ate away at me. I felt like I was always putting in the work. Initiating conversations. Trying to bond with him, understand him and please him. Trying to create lovely memories and experiences with the children. Trying to keep a beautiful home.
I've felt like he's never really been entirely emotionally present.
Its so sad because that was there from the start when I knew him as just a friend. It was even something I liked about him, a kind of mystery. He seemed very self possessed. But now its something that hurts me. I feel bad that I can't just accept who he is but honestly I feel very lonely. I do have lots of friends and interests and do a lot of things but I find this alienates me even more from him.
I have found that now I have a job and more agency abd spend more time with friends he is just oddly competitive. It pushes us further apart. The more I go out and do things with other people, the more he does. And the less we talk.
Present day I've almost come to prefer not being around him. There's a lot of resentment. I now really resent the amount of work I have to put in to spend any meaningful time with him abd how half hearted he seems about it.
I've tried talking to him about this over and over but its like he wont acknowledge it. He says he loves me (but this is generally the only times he says he loves me, when I ask him directly) He says he knows he's been distant and then he will improve for a few days but revert back.
Our sex life is pretty none existent. For the last few years we only have sex when I initiate it. And I just got too depressed doing that all the time so we haven't had sex for months now.
If we are alone together he just sits on his laptop or phone.
But like I said he's a wonderful dad. He kids love him. They'd be devastated if we broke up. We also live in a beautiful house in a lovely area that theres no way either of us would be able to afford alone.
I dont want to ruin my kids lives over just a bit of sadness.
I feel very confused and ashamed of myself for wanting more than this.
Any advice would be appreciated