Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband gets out of any discussion with “I don’t like your tone”

120 replies

TheTicklishCrow · 09/02/2026 21:03

I’m really struggling with my DH at the moment. We’re going through a tough time with finances (well he is, ergo I am). I’ve had to bail us out on car repairs, monthly budgeting for food, bills, list is endless.

I’m also recovering from covid, and I’m under a respiratory consultant due to scarring on my lungs. I’m on strong steroids, inhalers and struggle all the time with breathlessness. I’m pretty miserable.

Anyway, I’ve noticed that when I’ve been unwell we’ve argued significantly more. Whenever I express anything (even if it’s not about him), he will say I’m talking to him like shit or he doesn’t like my tone.

Example: today I came out of my respiratory appointment, clearly struggling for breath and upset about the findings. We went to pick up his DD from school. He got a phone call from work so I offered to take DD into the shop whilst he spoke on the phone. At the shop, DD was opening crisps and sweet packets after me telling her not to. She then threw herself on the floor and started kicking at me. This continued all the way back to the car. DH told DD off and put her in the car seat, and she was still crying.

My DH looked at me when I got into the car saw I was nearly crying and said “what’s up?” I said “what do you mean?”

He EXPLODED. He said “you’re always asking rhetorical questions, just say what’s up” and then “it’s always the tone you speak to me in”. I explained I was overwhelmed and stressed and it was no one’s fault. He said “you’re making out it’s my fault that DD had a tantrum”. I said let’s talk later (as DD was in the car). He then accused me of “blocking him out”. He tried to continue the argument at the house and again I walked away, DD walked into DH in the kitchen and I heard him say “yes I’m not arguing in front of you with HER, you don’t deserve that”

I’m so upset because firstly, I said not to discuss it in front of DD! He continued it! Also, I was doing him a favour getting DD out the car for his work call. It’s not DD fault she had a tantrum, she’s only little. But it WAS stressful. I just wanted him to ask if I was ok.

There’s so many more examples. If I say anything I’m using a “tone”, I get called “little miss innocent” and “well I’m just an abusive arse hole aren’t I?”

I’m sick of it. How do you even talk or communicate with someone who takes issue with how you speak? I honestly don’t think I’m using a tone at all! I just say what I think (eg. “Can you please let me know if you’re going to do school pick up today?”)

I’m at my wits end

OP posts:
suburberphobe · 10/02/2026 12:24

I’m really struggling with my DH at the moment. We’re going through a tough time with finances (well he is, ergo I am). I’ve had to bail us out on car repairs, monthly budgeting for food, bills, list is endless.

So you're basically financially supporting him?

Reminds me of that saying "When poverty comes in the door love flies out the window".

Aside from the crap way he treats you, I'd be out of there.

ccrazzysnakess · 10/02/2026 12:22

TheTicklishCrow · 10/02/2026 11:56

Someone else who hasn’t read the post correctly.

he works 8-2 and earns less than me. I carry the family. He looks after his daughter 3 times a week, usually around what he wants to do whilst I watch her.

DD doesn’t see us argue.

I’ve asked him what “tone” I’m using and he says “little miss innocent”, “don’t use your psychology bullshit on me” and “I’ll shout if I want to!”

I’ve been aware of how I speak to him because of these comments. I don’t raise my voice, don’t insult him, don’t threaten him, don’t say anything is his fault…

i try to address things and communicate with him, anything I say comes down to my tone and the issue is disregarded completely, eg. money, throwing things in the house in anger.

Show quote history

sweetheart, this is an abusive relationship.

Throwing things is domestic violence. They don't have to hit you for it to qualify as that. He's then making his bad behaviour your responsibility. No. He is an adult man. Controlling himself is his job.

And the thing about tone of voice? An absolute classic, especially combined with 'get that look off your face.'

Oh and his DD knows. Even if you think she doesn't. She knows.

LemonAndGingerMarmalade · 10/02/2026 12:21

Regardless of who is to blame, this doesn't sound like a happy partnership or home. I don't think I would be staying long term.

ccrazzysnakess · 10/02/2026 12:19

TheTicklishCrow · 10/02/2026 09:18

I’d say it’s reduced since I have been unwell and I’ve put my foot down about looking after he if he’s doing anything but work. There’s definitely an expectation that we should be doing parenting together, however, she is here 3 days a week. In my mind he should be doing parenting on those days, her mum does the other 4!

Show quote history

He brought you onboard in order to do childcare for free, and now you've screwed that up by getting ill and he's pissed off about it. It's as simple as that.

Might be time to quietly put an end to this relationship.

Skybunnee · 10/02/2026 12:18

I wonder why his first marriage failed ????!!!

andHelenknowsimmiserablenow · 10/02/2026 12:17

TheTicklishCrow · 10/02/2026 09:07

He’s just witnessed me struggling to get his DD back to the car whilst struggling for breath. I was nearly crying and was using my inhaler. Of course he knew what was up! That’s why I said “what do you mean?”. I followed to immediately with “I’m just stressed”

Show quote history

I would have said the same @TheTicklishCrow you were in middle of something stressful happening and he has asked you that as if he has just walked into a room and doesn't know why you are upset.
Your DP is probably projecting his stress over DD behaviour on to you.

Throwntothewolves · 10/02/2026 12:13

OhDear111 · 09/02/2026 22:08

Does he not work? Why is he around at school pick up time? He probably wants a well wife. Some men aren’t necessarily ok with looking after anyone with no end in sight. Not great but it’s the truth. If you are ill, will you be able to cope on your own? It’s a thought.

Not the point of the thread I know, but people work all sorts of different hours. Also the OP said he got a call from work which is why she took his DD into the shop.

OP it sounds like you're not compatible. Even though both of you are under stress for various reasons at the moment you aren't able to work through the difficulties together. You should seriously consider whether to end the marriage.

Coffeeishot · 10/02/2026 12:04

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Umm what ?

TaraC25 · 10/02/2026 12:02

TheTicklishCrow · 10/02/2026 11:56

Someone else who hasn’t read the post correctly.

he works 8-2 and earns less than me. I carry the family. He looks after his daughter 3 times a week, usually around what he wants to do whilst I watch her.

DD doesn’t see us argue.

I’ve asked him what “tone” I’m using and he says “little miss innocent”, “don’t use your psychology bullshit on me” and “I’ll shout if I want to!”

I’ve been aware of how I speak to him because of these comments. I don’t raise my voice, don’t insult him, don’t threaten him, don’t say anything is his fault…

i try to address things and communicate with him, anything I say comes down to my tone and the issue is disregarded completely, eg. money, throwing things in the house in anger.

Show quote history

The more you write, the more is seems like emotional abuse, I'm afraid.

You altering your behaviour to appease him, changing your own voice to stop being on the receiving end of his anger.. Is a huge red flag.

I mean obviously communication in a relationship is important and you BOTH need to find a way to do that effectively.. But if his onus is always that you're the catalyst for his resulting behaviour, there's no hope.

Bonkers1966 · 10/02/2026 12:00

Sorry this is happening, OP. Might be time to suggest counselling or something.

OhDear111 · 10/02/2026 11:58

What is mother’s role in all of this? How often is DD with dad and how often with mum. He’s using op as a babysitter so is he trying to do 50:50 to avoid child maintenance? I’d be looking at what is best for this child because this arrangement isn’t working.

Original poster
TheTicklishCrow · 10/02/2026 11:57

We’ve been together for 4.5 years. DD is nearly 6.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheTicklishCrow · 10/02/2026 11:56

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Someone else who hasn’t read the post correctly.

he works 8-2 and earns less than me. I carry the family. He looks after his daughter 3 times a week, usually around what he wants to do whilst I watch her.

DD doesn’t see us argue.

I’ve asked him what “tone” I’m using and he says “little miss innocent”, “don’t use your psychology bullshit on me” and “I’ll shout if I want to!”

I’ve been aware of how I speak to him because of these comments. I don’t raise my voice, don’t insult him, don’t threaten him, don’t say anything is his fault…

i try to address things and communicate with him, anything I say comes down to my tone and the issue is disregarded completely, eg. money, throwing things in the house in anger.

OP posts:
CoffeeCup14 · 10/02/2026 11:51

MangoBodyScrub · 10/02/2026 11:31

He sounds exhausted, and your child is so badly behaved this is not a 2 year old tantrum. You crying in the car was so ridiculous and should have told him of course it's not your fault. Get support with parenting your child and stop playing games with your exhausted husband it sounds like he has a lot of responsibility and is having to carry the entire family.

It's not OP's child, it's her step-daughter. It does make it more conplicated for everyone.

OP, if this was a one-off it could possibly ne put down to tiredness or frustration. But it sounds like there's a pattern in how he speaks to you and how he deals with conflict. Like PPs have said, this dismissive approach wears you down and drains your self-confidence. People who use this approach tend not to be interested in changing how they communicate or treat people, in my experience.

If he has a five-year-old, I'd assume you've maybe been together 3 or 4 years at most. I would suggest thinking clearly about how long he's been like this. Maybe ask friends or family whether they've noticed anything. I think you probably deserve better.

OtterlyAstounding · 10/02/2026 11:49

MangoBodyScrub · 10/02/2026 11:31

He sounds exhausted, and your child is so badly behaved this is not a 2 year old tantrum. You crying in the car was so ridiculous and should have told him of course it's not your fault. Get support with parenting your child and stop playing games with your exhausted husband it sounds like he has a lot of responsibility and is having to carry the entire family.

It's not her child!! It's his child!

And wtf? She's bailing him out financially - how is he carrying them?

HAPPILYMARRIEDSINCE2012 · 10/02/2026 11:37

Twattergy · 09/02/2026 22:19

He sounds like a dick. But in the example you give, he did actually ask what is up? So he did ask after you. And you replied 'what do you mean'?. Which is a weird rhetorical non answer, and sounds, well, arsey tbh. Why didn't you say how you felt at that point?

This

MangoBodyScrub · 10/02/2026 11:33

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MangoBodyScrub · 10/02/2026 11:31

He sounds exhausted, and your child is so badly behaved this is not a 2 year old tantrum. You crying in the car was so ridiculous and should have told him of course it's not your fault. Get support with parenting your child and stop playing games with your exhausted husband it sounds like he has a lot of responsibility and is having to carry the entire family.

Notmycircusnotmyotter · 10/02/2026 11:10

He sounds absolutely dreadful with serious self esteem and anger issues.

it does sound a very quick timeline - being married to a man with such a young child that isn't yours and things being so bad already. How long were you together before marriage?

Original poster
TheTicklishCrow · 10/02/2026 10:23

CostadiMar · 10/02/2026 10:01

I can see some really shitty parenting here. The conflict between you both has a negative impact on the child. Why wouldn't any of you hold her hand in the shop and tell her off for even touching the packets? It's like you were waiting for a disaster to happen just to have a fight. Poor kid.

Well if you actually read the post correctly, her dad was in the car.

I did tell her to stop opening them, and try to take her hand and she kicked out at me and threw herself to the floor.

She doesn’t hear us arguing, which is why in the car I didn’t want to talk about what had just happened and was overwhelmed.

OP posts:
BoredZelda · 10/02/2026 10:17

Russiandollsaresofullofthemselves · 10/02/2026 10:11

Perhaps when he asked what’s up you could have just given an answer. it does sound like you aren’t entirely blameless. Also you are being ridiculously thinking you can’t parent correctly because you are a stepmum! you absolutely should do anything a mum would do.

He just witnessed what was up. If was a damned stupid question.

Russiandollsaresofullofthemselves · 10/02/2026 10:11

Perhaps when he asked what’s up you could have just given an answer. it does sound like you aren’t entirely blameless. Also you are being ridiculously thinking you can’t parent correctly because you are a stepmum! you absolutely should do anything a mum would do.

EmeraldDreams73 · 10/02/2026 10:10

OP, so much of what you've described rings bells with me from exh. This is emotional abuse, turning everything round on you (and yeah they hate it when you're ill, so God help you there).

Get away. Seriously. You'll be a shadow of yourself and regret it if you don't. Get counselling for yourself (NOT joint), read up on it, just start getting your head around it. This isn't ok and it won't improve. Oh, and don't try to explain yourself/reason with him/try to get him to understand where you're coming from. It doesn't work. You have to get to the point where you can accept that he will never agree with you that he's behaving unacceptably. Which is really difficult as with a normal person you can and should be able to get them to see your pov. Not here.

💐💐💐

StrawberryJamAndRaspberryPie · 10/02/2026 10:08

Tell him that tone policing is considered Ad Hominem and has been used as a control tactic to silence marginalised voices for centuries. It’s well documented and a bad argument.

Tone policing is a tactic that shifts focus from a message's substance to the speaker's emotional delivery, dismissing concerns (especially from marginalized groups) by criticizing their "angry," "too emotional," or "aggressive" tone instead of addressing the actual issue, effectively silencing valid points through a focus on decorum, often rooted in sexism, racism, or classism. It's a logical fallacy, as emotion doesn't negate truth, and it prioritizes the listener's comfort over the speaker's experience.

Then stick your middle finger up at him because he’s doing it on purpose to hurt you. He clearly has contempt for you now… probably because he’s actually ashamed that you keep having to bail him out and it’s hurt his masculinity. So he’s repainting you as a bitch so he doesn’t have to feel ashamed or bad about himself.

OtterlyAstounding · 10/02/2026 10:06

Well, he's right about something! He's an arse hole. Gross. 'Little Miss Innocent'?? Wtf.

Why are you with him? The man is a net negative based on what you've said. Does he bring you any happiness? Make your life easier at all? Support you when you need it? Take care of you when you're ill? Because it doesn't seem like it.

What's the point of him? You'd be better off with a pet rock.