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Original poster

Husband gets out of any discussion with “I don’t like your tone”

120 replies

TheTicklishCrow · 09/02/2026 21:03

I’m really struggling with my DH at the moment. We’re going through a tough time with finances (well he is, ergo I am). I’ve had to bail us out on car repairs, monthly budgeting for food, bills, list is endless.

I’m also recovering from covid, and I’m under a respiratory consultant due to scarring on my lungs. I’m on strong steroids, inhalers and struggle all the time with breathlessness. I’m pretty miserable.

Anyway, I’ve noticed that when I’ve been unwell we’ve argued significantly more. Whenever I express anything (even if it’s not about him), he will say I’m talking to him like shit or he doesn’t like my tone.

Example: today I came out of my respiratory appointment, clearly struggling for breath and upset about the findings. We went to pick up his DD from school. He got a phone call from work so I offered to take DD into the shop whilst he spoke on the phone. At the shop, DD was opening crisps and sweet packets after me telling her not to. She then threw herself on the floor and started kicking at me. This continued all the way back to the car. DH told DD off and put her in the car seat, and she was still crying.

My DH looked at me when I got into the car saw I was nearly crying and said “what’s up?” I said “what do you mean?”

He EXPLODED. He said “you’re always asking rhetorical questions, just say what’s up” and then “it’s always the tone you speak to me in”. I explained I was overwhelmed and stressed and it was no one’s fault. He said “you’re making out it’s my fault that DD had a tantrum”. I said let’s talk later (as DD was in the car). He then accused me of “blocking him out”. He tried to continue the argument at the house and again I walked away, DD walked into DH in the kitchen and I heard him say “yes I’m not arguing in front of you with HER, you don’t deserve that”

I’m so upset because firstly, I said not to discuss it in front of DD! He continued it! Also, I was doing him a favour getting DD out the car for his work call. It’s not DD fault she had a tantrum, she’s only little. But it WAS stressful. I just wanted him to ask if I was ok.

There’s so many more examples. If I say anything I’m using a “tone”, I get called “little miss innocent” and “well I’m just an abusive arse hole aren’t I?”

I’m sick of it. How do you even talk or communicate with someone who takes issue with how you speak? I honestly don’t think I’m using a tone at all! I just say what I think (eg. “Can you please let me know if you’re going to do school pick up today?”)

I’m at my wits end

OP posts:
Mosaic80 · 10/02/2026 13:24

ccrazzysnakess · 10/02/2026 12:22

sweetheart, this is an abusive relationship.

Throwing things is domestic violence. They don't have to hit you for it to qualify as that. He's then making his bad behaviour your responsibility. No. He is an adult man. Controlling himself is his job.

And the thing about tone of voice? An absolute classic, especially combined with 'get that look off your face.'

Oh and his DD knows. Even if you think she doesn't. She knows.

Show quote history

I was just coming to say exactly this.

Throwing things is physical abuse, OP. It lets you know "you could be next". The tone policing etc is part of the abuse and manipulation, I'd be willing to bet my life your tone is fine. I'd read Lundy Bancroft's "Why does he do that?" (available as a free pdf online if you google).

I'd stop trying to engage with him on a meaningful level (discussing, explaining, connecting) and just try and grey rock him till you can get away.

TheAutumnCrow · 10/02/2026 13:22

He’s an abusive, manipulative, entitled, emotionally disturbed and horrible man, @TheTicklishCrow, now showing his true self to you. He has absolutely nothing going for him.

Get the hell out of there. He’s messed with your head enough.

MO0N · 10/02/2026 13:17

He's defensive because he knows he's on thin ice, trying to gaslight you into believing that you are the problem.
I would let him fall through the ice, you can have a much more comfortable life without this millstone around your neck.

stayathomegardener · 10/02/2026 13:15

You said ‘I just wanted him to ask me if I was ok’ are you sure you weren’t using some sort of tone to manipulate him into behaving differently towards you because that’s not great.

Everything else he sounds like an abusive arse and you would be better off without him and his debt issues.

MO0N · 10/02/2026 13:15

Sounds like you are also carrying him financially, maybe cut to the chase and get rid?

AquaFurball · 10/02/2026 13:15

Sounds a lot like my ex. Minus the child because I will never be an unpaid nanny for any man.

Kick him and his child out @TheTicklishCrow . You've been together almost this child's entire life and he doesn't parent her at all. You should be disciplining her if you are expected to provide care but it isn't your job. He isn't going to get better, but probably will get worse.

Assuming since you earn more and he doesn't contribute when he feels like it, why doesn't he get a better full time job?, the house is yours. If not, leave him.

The bar needs to be above any level of abusive arsehole. This one doesn't love you.

allthedragons · 10/02/2026 13:10

“well I’m just an abusive arse hole aren’t I?”

Why, yes, yes you are.

LTB

💐

Nearly50omg · 10/02/2026 13:09

He’s abusive and nothing apart from him leaving will make any of this better and also your health? When he leaves your health will get massively better! Believe me it’s happened to me and since i don’t have that constant walking on eggshells in my life - which I didn’t realise was so bad until it wasn’t there! - then you will always be the one to blame and it will be your fault

kalokagathos · 10/02/2026 13:05

He’s a cocklodger and bringing you down so he feels more on equal footing. That’s what narcissists with insecurities do. They pick an empathetic partner they can parasite from and control. Call. His. Bluff

Verv · 10/02/2026 13:04

MangoBodyScrub · 10/02/2026 11:31

He sounds exhausted, and your child is so badly behaved this is not a 2 year old tantrum. You crying in the car was so ridiculous and should have told him of course it's not your fault. Get support with parenting your child and stop playing games with your exhausted husband it sounds like he has a lot of responsibility and is having to carry the entire family.

Its HIS child, and he appears to have found another woman to treat like shite while she does the lions share of looking after it for him.

Time to leave OP.
Let the parents deal with the tantrums and let your ex husband deal with himself.
No DH is better than an arsehole DH.

pikkumyy77 · 10/02/2026 13:04

Isit2026yet · 09/02/2026 21:14

@TheTicklishCrow how is your tone with him? My DH used to say this to me (and actually when I played it back my tone was off or abrupt because I was rushing, busy with work, stressed etc.

Oh. No.

NeverSeenThatColourBlue · 10/02/2026 13:02

You both sound really childish and incapable of a sensible conversation. You wanted him to ask if you were OK, but he asked "What's up?" and you pretended not to know what he meant?

greencheetah · 10/02/2026 12:59

He sounds worse with every update.

frozendaisy · 10/02/2026 12:57

Ask him direct if this is how it’s going to be forever until one of you dies because you need to know to be able to make an informed decision going forward

yes the hint of leaving him is very much there
if he points that out just say “yeah I won’t live like this”

I mean one woman broke up with him already perhaps you are just finding out why

DeltaVariant · 10/02/2026 12:51

He might actually be an abusive arsehole. Many of them actually subtly admit to who they are but in a wah wah I’m the victim kind of way. Which he’s doing here. Many also amp up when their partner is sick.

canisquaeso · 10/02/2026 12:51

It sounds like a chaotic situation all around, it would make far more sense to me for him
to get out of the car if he needed to take a work call than you + the child.

I’m also unsure why is a 5 year old opening packets after being told not to. Sounds like he needs to start parenting.

PoppyFleur · 10/02/2026 12:50

TheTicklishCrow · 10/02/2026 09:20

I’ve asked him to stop shouting when we argue but he says he “can’t help it”. Which is why I get so annoyed when he mentions the tone!

another favourite phrase is “look at you sitting there like a princess speaking to me like an idiot”

@TheTicklishCrow Please take steps to get out of this relationship. Your husband doesn’t like you because if he did he wouldn’t speak to you like that. He is abusive, he is minimising you and trying to normalise putting you down. I would hazard a guess that he doesn’t shout or speak that way to his friends, his work colleagues or his employer. Someone who loves and respects their partner doesn’t speak to them as if they are nothing; especially when they are unwell and at their most vulnerable.

Get out of this relationship, you deserve so much more.

Luckyingame · 10/02/2026 12:49

@MangoBodyScrub

"A male poster" here?

Freeme31 · 10/02/2026 12:48

From your post you are saying you have done nothing wrong and that may well be the case, therefore I would say you are both totally incompatible and should not be together especially because there is a child involved. Are you able to separate ?

Illjustplayostrich · 10/02/2026 12:48

OP do you actually want to be with him? Does he bring anything to your life that you'd miss? It doesn't sound like it to me but do you think he'd explore Relate counseling? Is your house jointly owned and what would a split look like for you financially?
Edited to say it might be worth talking your own feelings through with a councillor first. You both sound extremely stressed about money and that might be impacting his behaviour-not that that gives him ANY right to treat you the way that he is.

cestlavielife · 10/02/2026 12:46

"he works 8-2 and earns less than me. I carry the family. He looks after his daughter 3 times a week, usually around what he wants to do whilst I watch her."

So why did he marry you? (Money, baby sitter???)
Why did you marry him? What are or were his qualities? Maybe you seeing how he is now.

Do you want to stay married to him? Why?
His dd is still young so you got many years to go of this.... if you chose to stay.

Try counselling for yourself first. Explore what you want in life

OnGoldenPond · 10/02/2026 12:40

ZenZazie · 10/02/2026 02:42

It won’t get any better.

Basically I think he feels bad about himself and he is blaming you. It’s a kind of denial/emotional avoidance.

He is desperate to avoid examine how he really feels about the general situation because that would be uncomfortable for him, might involve feeling his feelings and having to change. So you have become the scapegoat.

This is both facilitated by and exacerbated by the fact that you are vulnerable at the moment due to your health issues. On some level he feels he can get away with it because you have increased needs at the moment. You need him = he can get away with more. This also assuages his feelings of inadequacy because he fact needs you due to the financial situation.

In short, he resents you because he needs you, his ego is bruised because you have shown yourself more competent than him financially, at least for the moment, and on a needy manchild level because you have health issues he resents you for that because you are less available to look after his needs. He may also on some level feel guilty that he isn’t caring for you in the au he should when you have health issues, but that guilt is pressed really far down and he probably doesn’t realise that himself. He just feels bad because he isn’t helping (is in fact making it worse) so as he feels bad about that around you, in his mind, you are making him “feel bad” so the discomfort he feels about that he takes out on you.

It’s a very toxic cycle as the worse he treats you, the worse he feels about it, so the more he blames you and the worse he treats you.

The only person who can break that cycle is him. It would take a lot of work, reflection, therapy and change. He would have to see it for himself and throw himself into doing the work.

You can stop the cycle affecting you to such a great extent as it is currently. End the marriage. And it doesn’t matter if that gets him to see the situation clearly or not. What matters is that you don’t get so much of the brunt of it and also that you show your daughter that that kind of emotional abuse and toxic behaviour isn’t acceptable in an adult relationship.

Sorry it’s like that. It’s not your fault. Your responsibility in this situation is toward yourself and your child, not him. Trying to fix it on a one sided basis will only make it worse. Trying to reason or fight with him to see what he is doing will only make it worse.

Not OP’s DD, only her DH’s. So OP will not have any responsibility for those behaviour problems if she leaves.

BellesAndGraces · 10/02/2026 12:31

Oh and don’t waste any energy trying to work out if there’s something wrong with your tone. Your tone is only ever an issue when you’re asking him to do something or talking about something that is essentially his fault, right?

Focussing on your “tone” or the way you asked him to do something is a well known tactic for diverting the conversation. He gets to ignore what you’re actually saying by pretending there’s a problem with the way you have said it.

Lavender14 · 10/02/2026 12:29

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Comprehension is clearly not your strength @MangoBodyScrub . If you're going to be nasty and attack people online, at least read the post properly first.

Op what really stood out to me in your posts is this: "well I’m just an abusive arse hole aren’t I?”

Because actually I think he's very clever and every time he senses that you're upset/ annoyed and he knows he's caused it, he is doing damage control and is getting in front of it and twisting it round to place the blame at your feet instead of his. Because he knows it gives him a get out of jail free card. He talks about your tone because he KNOWS his is disrespectful and he's getting in there first. He KNOWS he could have stepped up more as dds parent to manage the situation so he deflects it on to you by accusing you of blaming him. He takes the fact of what's happening and deflects it on to you to avoid accountability.

Which is why "well I’m just an abusive arse hole aren’t I” is so very telling. Because he knows that what he's doing is emotionally abusive. And he's saying this to deflect blame onto to and avoid taking accountability for the fact that yes, he is behaving abusively towards you.

Op you need to leave. You can't fix him and it won't get better. This isn't about finances, this is about him feeling entitled to take his frustration/ stress/ anger/ boredom out on you in whatever way he feels like it no matter the negative impact it will have on you. He is a narcissist and it will always be more important to him that he 'wins' than to ever listen to you. Which is why you cannot fix him. All you can do is respond to what he's showing you through your own actions which means walking away.

BellesAndGraces · 10/02/2026 12:26

TheTicklishCrow · 10/02/2026 11:57

We’ve been together for 4.5 years. DD is nearly 6.

Your relationship sounds like hell. Why are you staying with him? Nobody here knows you so you can be truly honest. Is it finances?