AIBU to think this is an inappropriate relationship?

Did you have your son quite young? Not an excuse but you sound as though you haven't made him your priority. Choosing a custody pattern so you could party and holidays with friends instead of your son? I can see why as much as it hurts he has a stonger relationship with step mum.
The days you have him hes out most of the time at school whats stopping you asking for a switch so you spend weekends with him?
As the parent of a child who is not acknowledged by his step parent you should appreciate what a fab step mum she is. Sounds as though she chooses to love your son as her own many in blended families are not so lucky

Tbis thread has made me so angry as a stepmum.

I consider my step children to be family and whilst I’m obviously not their mum, when they’re with us then I treat them exactly the same as I’d treat my two. I tell them I love them, I’ll hug them and do things with the that they want to do. Sometimes it will just be me and one or both of them and sometimes all of us.

You chose weekends with your mates over time with him ans you go away with them them because it’s easier as he’s hard work.

His stepmum clearly loves him and has been in his life for as long as he can remember - be glad that he has a bonus grown up who loves him.

A child can never have too much love.

If you want to change things then discuss your arrangements with your ex so you have him for more weekends. Do something just for the two of you and put more effort into your relationship with him.

Think of how many step parents have terrible relationships with step children, especially when a baby comes along in the "new" family.

Imagine how you'd feel if he was desperately unhappy because his dad no longer really wanted him around because he was getting on his stepmother's nerves? You might think you'd just keep him with you, but it's not that simple for him.

I can completely see why you're afraid of being "displaced" and want your son more to yourself but the reality is that it's FAR better for him to have a great relationship with his step mum, so if you care about his well being, you're going to have to suck it up and try to be happy for him.

And you are his mum and always will be. Don't spoil your own relationship with him by being jealous of another relationship that he has which also makes him happy. He didn't choose to have a stepmother. Just be glad that she's good to him.

Sorry but what mum would choose to give up every weekend with their little kid? So that they could go out on the piss with their mates instead? I know lots of single mums who have EOW without their kids, and most of them have friends, hobbies, nights out that they enjoy during those times. But I don't know any single mums who would choose to never spend time with their kids on a weekend. Most of them miss their kids loads, even if they appreciate having some free time. Honestly, this thread is so sad.

At least he's got a great step-mum, who from the sounds of things puts him first and wants what's best for him.

Sounds like he needs it 🙄

The step mum sounds wonderful, how lucky your son is!
Nothing on your list is anything but wonderful for your son. Surely it's him who should come first?

You didn't want him of a weekend, you'd rather party with your mates. Same with taking him on holiday - he's 9 and you're only just now thinking to take him, but only to something that you will enjoy. Doesn't matter what he'd like.
You don't know his friends because you haven't put any effort into it. The step mum clearly has.

I know a mum who is very much exactly as you've described. Her child is a bit older and wants nothing to do with her now.
Actually start making an effort with him before it's too late.

His best friend is not going to be you is it, if you don’t do anything nice with him? Don’t spend ANY weekends with him? So no parties, no park trips, no play dates?
He likes theme park and city breaks but you refuse to do that because you’d rather sit around by a pool.
So why would he see you as his best friend when this is how things are?

I understand what you mean, your child dad’s partner is doing more/equal parenting than you or his dad are. I think you should do alternate weekends do you can have time with your son.

Are you quite young or neurodiverse @Playnoway ? I’m wondering if there are cultural issues here too?

He’s probably started being a bit more interesting and self sufficient and fun to hang out with can probably hold a decent conversation as well. Less of a time suck with caring responsibilities and more of a little buddy. Now she feels like she’s missing out more than getting a break.

You never have son in weekends? When do you do fun things with him or take him to parties or have play dates.

It's not her fault you've not made the effort and instead put more energy into being jealous. The only red flag I see here is -you-.

You barely spend time at the school, you like going out on the weekends, you don't socialise with the other parents, you find your son stressful on holidays etc the list goes on.

All I've heard here is "Me, me, me, me, meeeee! What about meeee!" You sound very bitter and jaded. It's no wonder your son doesn't want to he around you. You should appreciate that your son has a wonderful step-mum and somebody positive in his life. He's probably picking up on your petulance.

"I thought you would all be more supportive of my pain" - Woe is me. No - We will not respond conveniently. I think you need the truth and some tough love. This is ridiculous. It will not stand in court- You'll just be another bitter woman using her child as a weapon against her Ex because you're jealous of what they have.

She doesn't have an inapprorpiate relationship with him. She has a loving family relationship.

Your problem is that you don't have as good a relationship. And while I can see that there extra money helps his dad and her do things with him that you can't, it seems clear from what you've said that for years you've prioritised having a good time yourself over building the same sort of relationship with your DS. This isn't his stepmum's fault. And his step mum doing less of the fun loving family stuff with him not improve your relationship with him, but it will hurt his life.

Considering your son spends most of his time there, what exactly would you want their relationship to look like, if this isn’t it?

But she’s had 4-5 years to renegotiate this arrangement and she hasn’t, presumably because she’s still enjoying child free weekends. Doesn’t want the inconvenience of her own child and doesn’t want anyone else to make him feel loved and wanted either. OP really needs to reflect.

Being blunt, you’ve chosen to let DS spend the weekends with his Dad and you’ve chosen to go out instead. Now that he’s older you’re suddenly realising that maybe this routine has naturally caused him to be closer to Dad & partner? Quality time over weekends would build that bond?
You need to prioritise your son, not holiday with mates & never have him on the weekends! See if you can alter the arrangements slightly because you don’t have quality time otherwise?
I see how hard done by you feel, but I also see a son who has built strong relationships with his Dad & partner because you have weekends off to go out?
Sorry if I’m reading that wrong btw, but being honest your priorities should have changed as soon as he started school every weekday? What has suddenly caused you to realise that he’s got these close relationships?

maybe its time to start 50/50 share so you can spend time with your son. him having the weekends and less school drop-offs, etc. is far more quality time.

1. This is her trying not to step on your toes by finding something he can all get that’s not ‘mum’. I had to do the same with DSS when DH and I got married and he suggested ‘mummy my name’.
2. Because that’s his sister???
3. She supports him doing something he loves.
4. Yep, I give my DSS a cuddle. He’s 14 now though so it’s only when he’s sick or upset or before bed now really.
5. We both tell each other we love each other.
6. She is his family.
7. Because he wants her to 🤷🏻‍♀️, she clearly reads good stories, probably does all the voices, I am not that accomplished so haven’t ever done this with DSS.
8. DSS calls my family great grandad, nanny, uncle, aunty.

DSS has always had a good relationship we me and his step dad, even though his mums not with him any longer and called both sides of the family with relative titles. Given it’s been like this since he was 1 with his stepdad and 2 with me he doesn’t understand it really any other way. I really don’t see the issue.

Equally, as DH and I do DSS football all the parents know me by name too and I go out to events with them (alone and with DH sometimes) because we get on and have built relationships.

I really don’t see the issue. I’m not pretending I am his mum, everyone knows I am his stepmum, we are just blessed to get on and have a good relationship. It takes a village.

But when that arrangement was made OP was getting to spend Sunday to Thursday with her child and it worked because her ex worked those days, yes she enjoyed going out with friends in her free time, I don’t think that’s wrong. It’s just more difficult now because her sons in school she doesn’t get the quality time she used to when he was younger.
I do agree she is wrong to say his step mum isn’t family and to say their relationship is inappropriate

There's absolutely nothing inappropriate about any of this. This is about your feelings.

My friend has a great relationship with her stepchildren - her Mum plays with them on holidays they've been on together, swimming with them, hide n seek etc, the youngest loves my friend especially - she has been in their life a long time, she is the go between between the ex's, the youngest gets into bed with them for cuddles and has done for years. I think, to find someone that loves your children like this is nearly a miracle and I'd be grateful for it, imagine if she was horrible to your son, or he was shoved out by the new baby etc.

Shes been in his life for 6 years of course they love each other, i think its nice her AND her family treat him as family- not the same for all step families. I think some of you thinking this is inappropriate comes from jealousy

I’ve never taken him as he’s very stressful and enjoys holidays like theme parks or city breaks. He’s not interested in just going to the pool and relaxing which is what I enjoy so always made more sense for him to go with dad.

Do you think hi stepmum would describe him as stressful? You need to put him first. Take him on a damn city break if that’s what he enjoys. This is all part of being a parent. You’d rather not go on holiday at all with your son than go on one that he would enjoy? Christ.

But it is your fault you havent bonded with the other parents. Your child has someone who cares about him. His realtionship with her means nothing to you its not your issue. Your issue is you didnt make time for a bond as you but your needs first. You need to do week on week off or they take him sunday to thrusday once a month you get a weekend. You need to build a bond and you should be glad he has people who love him.

It's brilliant that he has this loving relationship with his stepmum and an extra set of loving grandparents. They are part of his extended family now. If you are ever away or ill for a while, he will be with people he's at home with.