AIBU to think this is an inappropriate relationship?

I dont think anyone is misunderstanding. You just dont like her and are jealous. There is nothing wrong with any of it. MN is full of threads from mums whos DC are excluded by step GPs and that SMs are saying they dont want SDC around etc snd you're complaining he is being treated as family. She is clearly not trying to be his mum, there is nothing in anything you have said to suggest this. His dad not bonding with him is a totally non related problem, it shouldn't be either/or.

I haven't read everything and don't know if this has already been said, so apologise if it has.

Unless the OP takes steps to mend her relationship with her son, seeing him on non school days, going on holidays that he likes, stopping dissing his stepmother, there has to be a real risk that the boy is going to ask to live full time with his father and step mother, doesn't there?

I wonder if the OP has realised this.

Christ on a bike she sounds great! I used to put my stepson to bed and read to him. Unfortunately my 2 stepsons (one came to live with us first) weren't easy kids and weren't that fond of me. Your lucky your son has a nice relationship with her, she could be described as a wicked stepmother like I was

I didn’t let anybody meet my younger ones until their older siblings have met them.

your whole post was lovely but the above i just thought was the sweetest thing! ❤️

I would find the best friend thing irritating, that’s obviously something she’s taught him to say.
The meeting dd first is a lovely gesture.
Drama club again weird his dad should be doing those bits.
cuddling/ saying I love you- fine
They are a family
dad should do bedtime
her parents including him - lovely.

it sounds like his dad is a bit crap and she’s stepped upto ensure your ds feels included and a part of the family which is wonderful. But I agree she is crossing the line at times
But it’s also odd you prioritise holidays with friends over family holidays. Can you two not go away at a different time to the month you ex has him? (I would never have allowed a month long holiday though) so it’s not reducing their holiday it’s extra.
It reads like out of the three of you she is putting the most effort into her relationship with your ds. Maybe you need to spend some more time with him, create shared interests, invite friends round and get to know the other parents.

At the end of the day you’re his mum she isn’t that can’t be taking away for you. But you can reflect on your relationship and work to improve it.
Theres not a lot you can do about what happens at his dads he’s safe and happy, how they do things is up to them.

Op the step mums daughter is only 4 so how long exactly has she been going to school to collect her daughter thats shes managed to befriend everyone but you dont know anyone as well?? Just thinking of the age gap of the two kids why are the other parents even be stood in the same area as a mum waiting for a 4 year old??

You don’t like her and you don’t like that your son does. That’s not the same thing as these concerns you’re painting.
From what I’m reading you would rather your son went to his dads house and this woman ignored him, made him feel alone, not part of the family group and treated him like an inconvenience.

Presumably if she moved in with his dad when he was 3, they were in a relationship for some time before that? So he’s known this woman for as long as he can remember.

This woman is literally just treating your son with love and kindness, and making sure he doesn’t feel excluded because of his sibling. After 6 years+ of such a positive relationship, they will have a bond and she is his family because she’s married his dad.

I can understand why you feel a bit miffed that he doesn’t fancy giving up his fun holiday time to go away with you and your mates to sit around a pool but he’s 9, what do you expect? If you want to take him away, arrange something that he will enjoy doing.

Meanwhile, maybe it’s a good idea to rethink the living arrangements so you get to have some weekend time with him to do fun things? His dad sounds reasonable so maybe he could do Wed-sat?

It seem a bit like you’ve spent the last 8 years enjoying your child free weekends and holidays, and now you are jealous of someone who has made parenting your DS their priority.

Stop being jealous! It's great a they have a good relationship. No wonder your ds doesn't want to go on holiday with you, if that's all you want to do is stay by the pool. It sounds like you've put your needs before your ds's. I could never imagine not spending a weekend with my son because I wanted to go out instead!

I think your view is clouded because you are hurt by the close relationship between you DS and step parent. Be careful to recognise this. Your son is lucky to have this person in his life. She makes him feel safe and loved. Honestly this is a good thing. Just remember whatever happens you will always be mum, take a deep breath and let it go.

It seems like you want to prioritise your friends and partying over your son and then wonder why he has a better relationship with someone who is more willing to do things he enjoys!

part of being a parent is changing your expectations around things like holidays and nights out around the needs of the child.

He's 9 of course he doesn't want to laze around a pool all day. If that's all you're expecting him to do because it's what you enjoy no wonder he's choosing to stick to the original holiday with his dad. All this post seems to indicate is that you want everything your way and you thought that Mumsnet would agree with you slagging off your exes wife and think that she's this wicked woman trying to steal your son. I understand your post perfectly fine it reeks of jealousy and spite. You should be happy that his stepmum actually gives a shit about your son cos you'd soon be kicking off if she were to exclude him from all these holidays cos it would've meant you'd had to take him on holiday yourself and be bored of not doing everything you want

I think step mum having a good relationship with the school mums is understandable. If your son is with them all weekend every weekend, then I'm assuming it's dad and step mum who have taken him to class parties/weekend play dates etc over the years. In my experience this is when a lot of relationships with other parents are formed.

They other 3 Saturdays and all Sundays in a month would have plenty of time still for father and son bonding? When is your time?

@Playnoway Basically you are jealous, you need to deal with that and then put in some legwork.
Your DS will soon be a teenager and if you let him get much older it may be too late to reattach.

What do you do with the time you have with DS? I would suggest a spot of love bombing. Can you rearrange the custody to one week on one week off? you could get more quality time that way. Also I think you might need to be careful what you say to your DS about his step mother - try not to criticize her they are obviously close so it won't improve your situation.

Take DS on holiday during a half term break.

If he enjoys his summer holiday with his dad, step mum and sibling, I can see why he'd not be happy to have that cut short, but no reason why you can't take him another time.

Clearly a reverse

Only read your replies after first page but dear god what have I just read? Am assuming you had your son very young. You opted out of parenting him as you couldnt be arsed and prioritised yourself for YEARS. Your bond should have been formed then, its on you it wasnt.

Thank god this poor child has another woman prepared to actually mother him. You have failed miserably and dont be surprised he votes with his feet when he is old enough and lives with his dad full time.

I cannot get over your son being 9 and you've never taken him away. One of the most sad and selfish posts I have ever read on here.

She isn't trying to replace you. She's trying to make your son feel comfortable in his home environment(dad's home is also his home). You've created this situation of jealousy by allowing dad to take him every weekend so you could go out and go on child free holidays. You can't be mad now your son's older and has decided he likes being on his dads holidays. You haven't taken him on holiday because you wanted to enjoy them without a kid in tow. Now he's older and a little more easier than a baby you suddenly want him to come on your holidays and he's choosing to still be with his dad

You sound quite jealous of your son's step mum. Most of what you've described seems pretty normal for a kid who lives with her for practically half of every week. I'd be more concerned if the stepmum was treating him like he didn't belong there for the amount of time he spends there

You are clearly jealous because she had put effort in to her relationship with your son. Her husband’s son. Someone she has known the majority of his life.

You prioritised going out and girl holidays over building a relationship with your child.

Once he went to school why didn’t renegotiate days so you could spend some quality time with him?

You have said that it’s not your fault she has built a relationship with schools mums. It’s not her fault you haven’t.

I would suggest therapy. Only you can change your relationship with your son.

Your child is loved. That is a great thing. I understand why you would be a bit jealous though, I would be too.
This is coming from someone whose step mother is an actual cunt from hell who openly admitted once we were adults that she was competing with us the whole time we were children and she won.

Agree. I'm a step-mother, too. While my step-son was aged 5-18, (5 is when I came on the scene) he spent every second weekend with us, as was the usual agreement. This is so that he got to spend quality time with his Mum and his Dad. The boy's step-Mum in this situation has been extremely good to your son, dedicating all her weekends to him, while you have spent time with your friends. Of course he has bonded so closely to her and all your son's friends know her by name. She's probably spent the last 6 years worth of weekends meeting up at parks, hosting play dates and taking your son to all their birthday parties. She's put in the hard yards and your son feels loved and supported by her. Now that he's nine and seems to have spent very little full weekends with you his entire life, it's probably too late to change that. Maybe you could start taking your son out during the day, one Sunday a month, to spend some Mum/son fun time together?

I don’t think it’s the relationship between them that is the issue.

You not getting weekends with your son is problematic - you need to revisit days and maybe do a week on/week off or another rhythm that shares weekends.

then you could use some weekends for the activities DS loves, like city breaks and theme parks. And just have that bonding time outside of the structure of school.

It sounds like you have given up a bit and xH has all the power.

You’re DS’s mum and you need to force proper time with him.