AIBU to think this is an inappropriate relationship?

Your son is lucky to have a step mum like that. She sounds very empathetic and thoughtful

I would find this difficult as well, but would try and remind myself that it’s a huge positive for my child. I can understand your feelings though.

I can see why you’re hurt, and jealous to be honest but this woman isn’t just the woman your ex married, she is family, she is his step Mum and Mother of his half sibling.
I think it’s great she puts as much effort into the relationship with her step child as people do with their own child and calling her parents Nana/Grandad is really lovely as he won’t feel any different to his half sibling when they visit.
My Step Mum would be really hurt if I described her as ‘just the woman my Dad married’ my children call her Nana, she calls them her Grandchildren and does as much with them as her own biological Grandchildren.
Blended families are so tricky, but from what you have posted it doesn’t sound inappropriate to me.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with any of the things you have mentioned. In fact, it seems like a wonderful, positive, situation and relationship for your DS living over split households. If you went for a change in custody based on any of this I imagine you would be laughed out of court.

Aw he’s lucky he such a special relationship with her and no it’s nt weird
maybe not nice for you I can understand why you would feel put out envious maybe
but please don’t try poison his mind against her as it sounds like she’s tried really hard with him and he means a lot to her
you should be grateful really

It all sounds positive to me - they have a child together yet he is very much included with his siblings grandparents. I would be pleased and hope it doesn’t change. There are so many horror stories of step children being left out that I would embrace it. Best friend has been used by the step mother to give importance to the relationship whilst acknowledging she is not his actual mother.

Does he mostly live with them and only visit you occasionally?

If it's 50/50 then you just book your holiday for a week he's with you and tell him where you're going. He's 9. And if you don't know his mates and their parents, invite them over after school.

Your jealousy is palpable. Be very careful your son doesn’t pick up on it because it’s more likely you’ll be the one rejected for it than his stepmother- who sounds delightful.

She’s not “that woman” She’s an excellent stepmum. He’s not your husband. He’s your ex. You are very definitely the weird one in this equation.

This would hurt but so many children are mistreated or even abused by step parents, I’d just suck it up to be honest and be glad she treats him well.
If she had her baby and pushed your ds out, you’d be on here complaining he isn’t included and treated the same. You need to let it go and spend some 1:1 time with him doing something to both enjoy to bond over too.

"I invited my 9 year old child on holiday" is probably one of the most formal things I've ever read on Mumsnet.

And one of the most confusing.

He's 9, you tell him where you'll both be going on holiday, you don't invite him.

Are his dad and stepmum a bit less formal?

It's understandable, but you're completely in the wrong. It's a good thing for him that he has this relationship with her. Of course you feel hurt, but it's in his best interests.

I hope you take in the replies here and see that your son is so lucky to have all these bonus people in his life.
Try to be confident that you are his mom and always will be. Don’t get into competition or conflict because of this.

This sounds like a close relationship between step child and step mum. Nothing inappropriate in my opinion, but I can see why some of this might sting a bit. But be grateful he has someone else in his life who loves him, and hasn’t just pushed him aside when her daughter was born. I think he is a lucky boy to have a 3rd person who adores him.

It's far far better your Son has this relationship with her than one where she hates him, resents him, tries to cut down on his time with his Dad and tries to make him miserable.

Would it help you view their relationship in a positive light if you used the european term "bonus Mum" rather than "Step Mum" when referring to her? It might help you see the values of the relationship the way 98% of us see it.

Opposing this relationship will only make him resent you as he grows older.

His stepmum is lovely and I have no issues with her as a stepmum

You go on to list a load of stuff that belies this statement.

She does sound very caring towards DS which can only be a good thing. It's natural for you to feel a little wrong-footed by their closeness (well, I would, anyway) but remember that you'll always be number one in DS's life. Having a good SM is what we'd all strive for in in a similar situation.

You're not losing him. You're his mum. Be happy for him that he has love and support on his dad's side of the family, and find other things that can be 'your thing' together. A hobby or activity, even a tv show or a game you both enjoy. Make sure you spend quality time together when he's with you.

Why don't any of his friends know you? Can they not play at your house?

One thing that does seem a little unfair is that his dad and stepmum get him every weekend and you get the weekdays. I guess that might be because of your work commitments or whatever, but actually does it mean they get much more time with him, because he's not at school? I would maybe have a chat about changing things so that you get to spend more weekends with him and do fun things together.

It’s hard to say why I’m concerned.

No, @Playnoway , It's very easy to see why you are concerned. You are jealous.

I get it, it's hard. But you need to work on your relationship with your son and not wish away hers.

• You ‘invited’ your 9 year old child to go on holiday with you?
• He refused, because for some reason, that would stop him from going with his Dad and step mum?
• He lives with you Sunday night to Thursday, but you don’t know any of his mates or their parents?

Hmm.

This doesn’t read right, is this a reverse?
Nothing of it is weird or wrong, it’s lovely. My son calls me his best friend. He also calls his wee school friend his best friend. He knows the difference. Sounds like the mum is afraid he prefers the stepmum.

Have a word with yourself @Playnoway .

I feel for you because you’re obviously very jealous, and I know I would be a bit jealous too. But she sounds like an amazing stepmum! He is lucky to have her.

No wonder this all happens if they have your son every weekend! Don't you ever want to spend some time off with him??!

This must be a reverse.

You invited him on holiday? He’s 9! Surely you just say ‘son, we’re going here’?

It does read like you’re jealous OP. Why haven’t you made friendships with his friends families?