AIBU to think this is an inappropriate relationship?

Do you ever speak to his stepmother? Do you get on? You might be able to tell her you’re feeling left out a bit?

I was a similar stepmum. I got on really well with my stepson. Other than calling each other best friends, I think I did everything on that list. It was never to “become his mum” or “replace his mum”, but simply because I loved him and, in marrying his dad, he became part of my family and my life. Years down the line, after some bumpy times, we all tick along ok now he’s an adult. I’d say his mum is a lot easier to get on with now.

Look at the big picture- what do you want for him - a stepmum that is kind to him or one that puts him as second best? And you kind of created this because you seemingly prioritised going out with your friends at weekends and going on holidays with them over doing things that your child enjoys with him. Most people would prefer holidays that don’t involve child activities, but it’s just something you do when they’re children.. You might have a few bridges to rebuild with your son. And trying to spoil his relationship with his stepmother won’t achieve that.

The role of Mum and best friend are very different though; we all only have one Mum, but can have many friends and several 'best' friends. I'm not sure it's always helpful or healthy to conflate the two. I think it's great that he has so many close relationships...trying to limit them wouldn't seem like it's in his best interests surely?

1. Perhaps they were talking when he was 3 and they talked about best friends and it stuck.
2. Sounds sensible to me, they're siblings. I had a v young step daughter when my son was born and she was OF COURSE one of the first to visit because SHE'S HIS SISTER!
3. It's nice that they have a special thing and surely that's one less taxiing job for you?! Brucey bonus.
4. Good? Like, isn't feeling comfortable and at home and safe and loved by a step parent so much better than the alternative?!
5. It's great that they love each other, she's an important adult in his life. It doesn't mean she replaces you or your ex. As a step mum of a now young adult, I love her, she is an important family member to me and her dad and her brothers and her mum.
6. My stepdaughter is my family. I'm not just married to her dad. I'm not just some random adult in the house, I'm part of a family unit that helped to raise and care for her and support her in her dreams and ambitions and hobbies and friendships.
7. I used to put all of our children to bed and I love reading myself so I'd usually be the one who read stories at bed time. And yes, I am a good reader! My husband also read to them but in our household, I'd usually be the one doing stories and songs and shadow puppets at bed time. I'd be really hurt and alarmed if my stepdaughter's mum decreed that I wasn't allowed to do that anymore and dictated that my husband had to do that instead. It's none of her business who does what in our family home and she needed to trust that her child was at the centre of decisions we made but that we're not childminders or nursery staff, we're other family members.
8. OH MY DAAAAAAAYS. Before my son was born, my stepdaughter would call my parents "myname's mum and dad" e.g. "Jen's mum and Jen's dad" to their faces to "please can I have a biscuit Jen's mum" etc. Fine. She's always called me by my name, her Dad is Dad and her Mum is Mum. When my son was old enough to talk and call them Gran and Gramps she also started calling them that. And do you know what? It didn't matter!!!! Her mum loves that her daughter's a part of my parents (and my siblings and niblings) lives, that she's got this whole extra bonus family. My husband isn't very close with his family whereas we go to my parents every weekend for a meal, go on holidays with them etc. It would be worse and so much sadder if my stepdaughter hadn't been part of that. If someone asks my mum how many grandchildren she has, my SD is included in the number. That doesn't mean she's removed from her mum's parents' number or my MIL's number - she's got an extra set of adults in their 60s/70s who love her and support her and treat her and welcome her.

I sense that you're really insecure about this and maybe feel like your ex should be pulling his weight more but you really have to trust that while your child is in their home that they are doing what's best for the child. It's so much better that he has a positive relationship with this step parent than the opposite. Are you worried that she's feeding him these "best friend" and "special thing" lines? Let it go. It's not a competition. As they have a young child there's every chance that she's also taking the lead on a lot of the parenting of her own child and it's natural that your child fits in with that and they don't disrupt their family routine for half the week for their child when it's clearly something lovely in your child's life anyway.

As a stepmum who gave as much to my stepchild while she was with us as I did my own children it would devastate me to find out that her mum had written a post on mumsnet like this. What do you want her to do?! Christ.

Inevitably will change her username and start a new thread with slightly changed details to try and get a different reaction!

They are a family of four and are going to divide tasks up as it suits them best. Maybe Dad does the early mornings, or takes him to football on Saturday. A stepmum dropping a child off at a club once a week and reading a bedtime story is not weird or inadequate parenting on the Dad's part.

I can understand why you feel hurt by this, but it does seem like she has your sons best interests at heart. I am concerned though that you don't get any down time with him at the weekends? You have him Sunday night to Thursday each week. When is your chance to do some fun things together?

Possibly but in the first post op questions why dad isn’t doing bedtime so I assume he’s there.

OP is not coming back. She doesn't like the answers she is getting and has probably stopped reading.

This is MN. The dad always has to be a bit crap, regardless of what he does or doesn’t do.

If you dont change your attitude and mind set you are definitely going to lose him to them, you are harbouring so much resentment its unhealthy and your son will be picking up on this.

As someone who’s had a few stepparents, good and bad and middling, I can tell you that this one sounds bloody brilliant and your son is lucky to have her.

Why on earth would you object that he loves her and she loves him? Why would you object to her cuddling him? She’s been in his life since he was a toddler, for the whole of his living memory. They are family.

It was incredibly thoughtful of her to ensure he was the first person to meet his new sister.

Cannot see the issue with anything on your list and can only think this is about you being insecure and wanting to be the only person in his life. That is a you thing, and not about the wellbeing of your son.

You should be thrilled that his stepmother provides a safe and nurturing and loving environment for him when he is not with you.

OP your posts are really sad, you are not seeing the reality of this situation. Your ex's wife is likely close to your son because she is spending all of every weekend with him so they have a lot more time to do nice things together. Of course your ex is not always with him when they have him every single weekend - there is no need and obviously sometimes they will each have other things to do over the weekend.

You need to look at your own relationship with him and change things up to give you some more leisure time together - which means talking to your ex to change the weekly schedule.

The summer is also not the only time you can take your son on holiday - why have you never taken him over Easter or half-term, or even Christmas?

Instead stewing and trying to lessen his stepmum's relationship with him so that he loses some good things in his life, why not focus on improving your own time with him?

Good Lord! Your DS is living with his father for almost half the week - so you can go out with your mates on the weekend apparently.

But you want to stop his father's wife from being alone with your DS? Totally delusional.

You should be happy that your DS has 3 adults in his life who love him and care for him.

While I can understand why you might find this a bit hurtful, I think you need to try and find some gratitude in your heart.

Your boy has known this woman as long as he can remember. She's always been kind to him and shown him love. I can't see why this is a bad thing? I'd much rather this extreme than the opposite, and you would also.

Honestly, I think kids need all the kind, loving adults they can get.

You reap what you sow. She sounds like a great stepmum. You sound very uninvolved - never having him for a weekend, or holidays because it's too much hard work? By the time he's a teenager, he will vote with his feet.

My daughter is like this with my partner. We’ve been together for 6.5 years and he’s been in her life since she was 4. She calls him dad. He treats her like a dad. I wouldn’t want it any other way!

I don't think the OP is coming back to this thread maybe because it was a wind up but all the posters saying "You're his mum, you'll always come first and have the most special bond with him".... How?!?! She doesn't want fuck all to do with him! She's just jealous because another woman has formed a better relationship with her child and he prefers her (understandably).

That’s my point I hope my own child still wants to at 9 but my ex step child doesn’t lay there and cuddle with his dad it’s a quick hug and maybe if my daughters wanting one they’ll sit with their arms around each other a bit but nothing like a full blown cuddle. Anyway that’s not the point my point is I would know my place in a child’s life especially if the mother was good however this poster seems to have thrown her child into a routine that suited her and her friends and is now crying about it when all her option is is to throw some boundaries up in place tell them she wants a new routine and to have some of the weekends to ensure she spends time with her child and not her friwnds and work on building a bond with her own child and also if she doesn’t like it that her child’s step mum is cuddling him say something I would.

my ex is an ass so no woman sticks round too long but no one will be playing mummy for me and that’s the thing my ex respects that even though he’s a ass he never expected or asked me to step up and be a mum in the 5 years because he knew he has a mum at home and I held no responsibility which i didn’t want I wanted to be his friend

it may just be my exs child then that doesn’t from anyone 😂😂 but that’s just it everyone is different. I just wouldn’t be asking for a cuddle off him or anything x

I can see why it hurts you but isn't it nice she treats him like her own child, so many posts on here are about step mom's who have their own child and treat the step kids differently and that the step mom's parents treat the step child as a nobody. I'd be happy that he enjoys going to her , he feels safe it doesn't reduce the bond you have with him.

Also, he isn't your husband, he's hers.

Exactly.

I was with you OP until this. I have seen posts here where the father has tried to take the child and raise it with a new wife and the mother was too weak.

You have never holidayed with your son and don't spend weekends with him either? So he does everything fun with SM. Your son is not fun because he is not your adult girlfriends and what a surprise, a child does not want to hang around a pool This would be my idea of hell, limiting my holidays to that and I am sure more people feel like this. When many of us had children we took the opportunity to do fun activities with them we wouldn't have done otherwise. It seems his SM has sensed this and thought "what a great opportunity to extend our activities as a family!".

Oh, I hate to say this - but it IS your fault.

You chose an arrangement that suited you because you liked going out with your mates at the weekend, and you wouldn't go on a holiday with your son because you would have to do things you didn't want to.

Doing things we don't want to is parenting.

Unfortunately, this is his life now, and you would be very unfair to try to change it just because this now doesn't suit you.

My suggestion is to build better bonds between you by doing more things in your time - or some weekends - but don't try to force him to do stuff in what he feels is "his" important family time.

This situation took a number of years to evolve, and you were happy with it. You can't just turn his world upside down because it suits you.

And you maybe aren't getting the responses you were expecting - because most of here will put our children first, over and above ourselves and our likes and dislikes.

Now I truely believe step parents can not win whatever they do.

I get that you want to be his BF not his stepmum, but if you have never taken him on holiday but holidayed with your mates, you don’t want to do things he’d find fun (themeparks you said “stressful”) then how are you going to build up the bond beyond weekdays after school? It’s important to have adult time with your friends, but honestly building a bond with kids is often doing very tedious stuff - trust me, ruding on a steam train, playing crazy golf, funfair etc is not my idea of heaven but my boys and I have great memories. You have to put some effort into it you know - the eelationship isn’t yours as of right. Think about what he might enjoy, and get cracking. I’m sure deep down he’d love having two mums too.