AIBU to think this is an inappropriate relationship?

Sorry but I think you’re being swayed by the green eyed monster OP

"I never wanted to spend quality time with my son and am now mad that another woman has a great relationship with him after she made an effort to spend quality time with him."

Summarised your post OP.

I have to be honest, I don't mean to sound nasty but you do sound jealous of this woman. She has done nothing wrong. The point where she wouldn't let anyone meet her baby until your son had - what a wonderful kind gesture to make sure he doesn't feel pushed out.

From the things you have said so far; you haven't had much fun time with it all, you go out with mates while he goes to his dads, you go on holiday with mates while he holidays with his dad, you don't take him on holiday because he doesn't like the type of holiday you like and you find him 'stressful'. Do you know how that all sounds?

Then you say you don't even know the parents at school, don't talk to them but stepmum knows them all.

There are do many things you could have done differently. Better, even.

Don't spoil the lovely relationship he has with this woman for God's sake, you'll end up pushing him into wanting to live with them.

Then you comment that on a mum's group you thought people might understand.

We have read what you have written and I'm sorry to say you haven't painted yourself in a very good light.

You do sound a bit like a passive bystander in their lives. But you are his DM. Is there some backstory here, OP as to why you are less involved in his life? Are you wanting to change the situation now? It does seem odd that you don't spend any non-school time with him. Are you lacking confidence because of something? It also sounds as though your ex would gladly help you be more involved, so what is holding you back exactly?🌺

I think you are jealous of their relationship. I understand that is hard. However, I would just be grateful he has lots of parents step and biological who love him.
I consider my step parents as parents and I love them like my own parents. I always say I have 4 parents. Surely that is better than the alternative . You are his Mum and always will be, no one can take that away from you. However, growing up surrounded by love is surely the best you can hope for for you son

I’m sure it’s hard for you to read these comments OP but based on what you have written you are describing a step parent who is fully embracing their blended family whilst trying not not step on your toes. Your DS isn’t seeing her as a ‘Mum’ rather an extra special friend/family member. It sounds like your ex and his partner are trying to ensure both of his biological children feel equally loved. No child can have enough adults loving them.
the danger would come if they were putting you down or being in competition with you.
with regards to the holiday, he’s 9 years old. If you want to book a holiday for the two of you, you book it. You’re a parent. Why can he only have one holiday? Can’t he have one with you and with Dad? Why do they have to be within the same month?

Lol I think we know the answer!

The son doesn't want to go on holiday with OP but happily goes with his step mum! Id say that's a pretty big preference!

I was not implying that she ought to feel jealous. It was a statement , an observation. She is free to disagree with me. Only she knows what she thinks and feels.

he keeps saying no

So, if you want it bad enough then you (and your ex?) will have to persuade him to give it a go. He obviously much prefers the month in France option. Yes, you are getting sidelined in the nicest possible way so think hard about how you can build a better relationship with your son so he wants to be with you more, go on holidays and daytrips with you etc. Basically you're being outperformed! Is it too late?

I agree with a lot of PPs. It’s telling that your ex has him every weekend partly because you wanted to go out every weekend and you said he didn’t want to do your preferred holiday- surely with children you plan holidays around them?

She sounds like a lovely step mum. I suspect you’re feeling guilty that you’re not doing more.

YABU

You should be happy they have such a good relationship.

This is on you, really. Surely you could have found it within yourself to have a holiday your son enjoys instead of it being solely about you.

I dislike all inclusive/beach type holidays and I’m prepared to power through them for my boyfriend, let alone for my child.

I feel this post pretty much nails it.

It seems like when he was younger, you prioritised your social life/going out and the kind of holiday you enjoy, and dad and step mum prioritised your son and spending quality, child-friendly time with him.

I don't really enjoy them parks or holidays with lots of water parks or kiddie activities, but it's what you do with kids (with maybe some bits you enjoy too).

It's not too late to try and get it back though. Ask dad to swap to having every other weekend so you can have some proper down time with him too and do stuff with him that you know he'll enjoy. Read with him, spend quality time with him and manbe find something he doesn't already do and make it "your special thing".

Rather than be jealous of the person who has already put the work in, you can make the necessary changes and have that special relationship with your son as well.

Love isn’t finite OP - it doesn’t take anything away from you

he sounds very lucky

makes a change from usual step parent stories we hear

I’m so sorry OP but seems like you reaped what you sowed here. You allowed your son to live at his dads EVERY WEEK Thursday to Sunday? Because you “liked going out weekends” You allowed him to go away with them for FOUR WEEKS at a time… What did you think was going to happen when he started school and would have less and less time with you?

Apart from school hols, he spends Sunday evening with you, then Monday Tuesday Weds evening. The rest at school or getting ready for school. Whereas he gets Thursday evening, Friday evening all day Saturday and all of Sunday morning. Hell would feeeze over before I agreed to any of the above. I’d be fighting for as much free time as possible with my kid, sorry!

What a lovely lady! Your son's step mother is just what I aspire to be as a foster mother. I only hope I do a good of a job of making the children in my care feel as loved and secure as she does - often while birth families try and make trouble behind the scenes.

dont seem to be getting a response to this…

I’ve just caught up with your more recent posts OP. Mothers aren’t supposed to be best friends, they are supposed to be mothers. You want to think yourself lucky she hasn’t tried to step into being his mother, just his best friend.

I can understand you feeling you are ‘losing him’ but it’s not a contest. There aren’t winners and losers among the parents.

Step-mother and his Dad presumably spend a lot more ‘quality time’ with him as he’s there most of the weekends so they will likely have more contact with his friends’ families too.

It’s interesting you were happy for Dad to have him every weekend when it suited you to go out at the weekends but now he has a stable and happy relationship with his Dad, Step-mother, and sister, who are his family, you feel left out.

For information, a huge percentage of Every Other Weekend Dads work during the week but their children’s mothers realise weekend time is precious and expect to share weekends. You didn’t because it suited you to go out at weekends. His Dad took his chance to see his son every weekend while you partied. Did you drop the rope or just not realise that your fun weekends and holidays would come back to bite you on the bum ?

Their financial position is irrelevant; you can’t buy time and love.

Sorry, you may not be able to, in your parlance, ‘win’ him back. At least he still sees you but don’t blame him for declining to go on holiday with you when you’ve only just realised you want to take him on holiday. Why the change now ? You don’t even seem to want to give him a holiday he would enjoy, only one you would enjoy, why ?

I’m not sure it would be a good idea to pursue having him some weekends now because he is in such an established routine he may resent being away from what he regards as his family.

You may think I’m being harsh but, from the information you have given, it’s how it looks from this angle. If you were a father who had placed fun weekends and holidays with friends above their child for years but then complained another man had stepped into being their child's best friend or even parent they would be slaughtered on Mumsnet.

I’m pretty sure that when he’s with his SM and Dad it’s mum this and mum that. There really is nothing to be jealous of. He’ll always love you as his mum and his SM as a best friend.

Try to be excited for him that he’s enjoying his time with them and if she’s as nice as he thinks she is, she’ll be doing the same when he shares the stuff you do together.

Liaise with them over holiday plans before putting them to your son, so he’s not in a position to have to choose. He won’t like that as much as you not liking his choice. He can do both holidays then with ALL parents.

Take it from someone who had a SM that never wanted me around, or at least that’s what my mum told me, I was oblivious to it. Your son is a very very lucky boy that he has two separate wonderful families who care deeply for him, embrace it and throw those ugly jealous feelings away, as they’ll destroy you.

We don’t know that the son prefers his stepmother, only that the OP is insecure about their closeness.

the difference with what other people wrote is that, while other people have (rightly) said she is feeling jealous, your post implies she ought to feel that way and any insecurities are justified. We don’t know that at all.

Just caught up with your posts. You set up a life that prioritised you, not DS. Examples, you wanted to go out so gave them every weekend, not even every other. Which parent chooses a holiday based on only their own needs, then is surprised when DS doesn't want to go with them? Your posts are all about what you want.
Can you not see that this is down to you, not his DSM and DF?

It IS your fault.

You said in an earlier reply dad has him every weekend because you like to go out and party on the weekends. If you had been willing to give that up (every other weekend even) then your son would have spent more quality time with you, not just before school and after 3 days a week.

His stepmum is lovely and I have no issues with her as a stepmum

Apart from your big list of issues.

One issue I can see is that you don’t have him at all at weekends when more of the fun stuff occurs. Maybe that is something to address, but it is difficult when everyone is settled in a routine. Is it possible to change that without causing disruption to clubs/activties? Even if one week a month he spent the weekend with you so that you could have fun rather than the school routine.

Sounds like a situation of your own making. Why would you only want your son weekdays and not weekends? He spends all the fun time with his dad and step-mum. He obviously is going to prefer that.