AIBU to think this is an inappropriate relationship?

What a lucky boy having a stepmother who loves him so much.

You sound like my ex husband.

Enjoy going out at the weekend so don't have your child.
You haven't taken him on holiday because you would rather lie by the pool with your mates.

My daughter is now 18yrs, I'm a aingle parent and I blooming miss those days of family holidays and busy weekends.

She sounds marvellous, she's been on holiday with him every year for four weeks at a time and looks after him every weekend. Lucky him. Well done to her for stepping up.

Sounds to me like you prioritised getting pissed with your mates on the weekends when he was young, and holidaying with them too because your son was “too stressful” to manage. Now he’s adapted to someone else’s loving care, you don’t like it. Maybe if you’d mothered him in the first place, someone else wouldn’t have had to.

But your ‘pain’ is all of your own making! You declined to do the hard yards in the years before your boy was old enough to be interesting, you abdicated the tough stuff to his father and his partner, and they stepped up, especially his stepmother, to fill the void you left. It might be painful to realise that now, but it’s nobody’s problem but yours, I’m afraid.

I’ve never taken him as he’s very stressful and enjoys holidays like theme parks or city breaks. He’s not interested in just going to the pool and relaxing which is what I enjoy so always made more sense for him to go with dad.

I don't believe any mum would say this? Of course the poor kid has no interest in relaxing near the pool, who plans an adult holiday with their own child?

He's lucky to have his dad's GF in his life. She's not trying to be his mum, she's just a decent human being.

If you ever get remarried, don't you think you will leave your new husband with your son? Don't you think he will take him to sport, or to an event, or spend some time with him - when you are at work, or busy? How would you feel if your ex was trying to dictate how you chose to spend time within your own family: son and new husband?

If you feel she's making more efforts than you are, then maybe it's on you to be a more in-hand parent. She's doing nothing wrong at all, most people would be relieved that their child is safe and happy with their ex new partner.

I'm a single parent so can imagine the pain of having another woman step into my role of my child's mother. And as PM said, would you rather the alternative: a wicked stepmum?

It feels like you have unrealistic expectations of your son.

you don’t invite children on holiday - you just book it and tell them you’re going. And yes it needs to be a holiday that meets their needs and not necessarily yours.

and of course he’ll feel closer to people he spends quality time with every weekend, as opposed to before & after school.

you need to renegotiate your time with him - with his dad, not with him bit needs to be presented to him as a done deal. When he gets used to some weekends with you where he is prioritised and the two of you spend quality time together then the closeness will develop.

Why do you think OP isn’t ‘trying’ to be a mum? Your comment is very judgmental and I’m not sure what you’re basing it on?

I think it sounds lovely OP. I think you’re best to just embrace this. God forbid if anything happened to you then he has another caring adult in his life. You’ll always be his mum, no one can replace that bond, blood runs thicker than water.

Actually it sounds very much like the dad and stepmum have been the ones doing the slog whilst you go out with your mates and spend holidays with them instead of him. What message is that giving your child? If you’re not careful you will end up with him moving in with them permanently.

You comment that you feel you are losing your son - you probably are, but not because of an inappropriate relationship with his Stepmum - but because he is picking up on your bitterness and jealousy and doesn't want to be around it.
You need to focus more on improving your own relationship with your son and less on trying to destroy his relationship with his Stepmum

She's doing a lot of very good, loving parenting. She's not preferring to go out clubbing or on holiday with her mates, she's putting his feelings and needs first when his sister was born, she gives him undivided attention, takes him to activities for his benefit, they all go on child centred holidays, her parents have welcomed him as much as their own biological grandchild. And yet she isn't calling herself Mummy because he has one for weekdays and when she isn't out or on holiday doing more interesting things than something a child would enjoy - she's being his friend.

And you don't 'let' your ex have him. Firstly, it suited you and your social life until it became his normal life and secondly, the child has a right to have a happy, loving relationship with his family members. So you aren't going to be able to put a stop to it - Family Court would not go in your favour when your application would be on the basis that the child has too lovely a life from Thurs - Sun each week and for a month in the summer.

Have you ever considered maybe making more of an effort with your son by entertaining his interests? Maybe suggest a holiday he would enjoy instead of being selfish and wanting a 9 year old to enjoy a holiday lazing round the pool? 🤷🏾‍♀️

It’s lovely that they have a good bond and she’ll cares for him. But I understand it would sting. It’s not weird behaviour on her part or your sons. I think maybe you feel abit jealous (which I understand). Try see the positive that your boy has another family member who loves and cares for him he’s a lucky boy.

How amazing for a child to be loved by so many.

I don’t know why you are calling her ‘this woman’. Since the age of 3 he has spent nearly half the week at their house with her. That’s such a young age - he won’t remember a time without her. Of course they are close. Especially as that has been weekends where there’s more family time.

The relationship sounds lovely - stop saying inappropriate. You need to work on your relationship with your son but accept responsibility for your actions. You have never taken him in holiday because you want to lie in the sun. And I’m guessing weekends worked well for you to not have him as you could go out.

Well now he has this other family unit who have invested in him.

From now on I’d work on putting him first and improving your relationship with him. And getting to know his friends and their parents! Doesn’t he have friends round to your house?

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head here. OP will always be her son’s mother but she missed the boat to be a parent.

You're only thinking of yourself and your own needs, not your son's.
Do better.

I agree with last comment. In a nice way you are reaping what you sow. That lady has prioritised and built a life as your son’s stepmom and now you feeling the old ‘green eye’.
You miss every weekend with him and admit it’s because you liked/ like going out.
You have never been on holiday with him? And say you don’t like the same holidays- well yes you are supposed to prioritise your son’s wants and needs.
With the month holiday a year you have been sidestepped and your son knows who is being the more nurturing parent.

The problem you have is that if you pull him away now it will look like jealousy. You really need to sit down with both of them and try to renegotiate by explaining why. You want more quality time with your son.
I also agree that presenting a holiday as a choice is giving a nine year old too much power. If your ex agreed then you should have presented it as fact.

This is on you.

I still wish if he was going to have a best friend it would be me

Well you dont spend enough quality time with him for that to happen. I would be rethinking the days you have him with you if I were you

The thing is, she can’t just change it all suddenly because she is jealous, she needed to do it when her son needed her. She was taking the easy route by “letting” him go to his dads to allow her more time to not parent at weekends etc.

I’m not entirely convinced that op does want more time. She just doesn’t want the stepmum to have a better relationship with her son than she has.

You have to put your son first in no matter how much this is bothering you. He is happy. If you use you say he can't spend as much time with this woman your relationship with him will only get worse

The simple answer is that she has far more quality time with him than you do. 4 weeks holiday every year, every weekend together… it’s no wonder they’ve built up a close relationship. How lucky he is to have another adult who loves him.

I’ve never taken him as he’s very stressful and enjoys holidays like theme parks or city breaks. He’s not interested in just going to the pool and relaxing which is what I enjoy so always made more sense for him to go with dad.

Kids this age don't want to lie by the pool! That's an adult holiday. Unfortunately when you have kids you have to go on holidays that they will enjoy.

So arrange a city break or a few days away which includes a theme park or other adventure activity and tell your son you're taking him.