AIBU to think this is an inappropriate relationship?

I’m actually really offended at your use of the term “inappropriate relationship” in this context. This woman is a parent to your child, not some kind of sex offender.

It sounds as if you’re jealous and I can’t even imagine that pain. But you need to put those feelings aside if your son is happy. As awful as that sounds and probably feels :-(
She’s being kind and he feels happy and safe with her. Unfortunately when parents split this is likely to happen.

I’m sorry, am I misunderstanding something here? You’re threatened annoyed that your son’s step mum prioritises him, takes care of him and loves him?

What if, god forbid, something happened to you and your son had to be raised by your ex and his step mum? Wouldn’t it make you feel better knowing that your son would be loved and cared for? Surely the more people who love a child, the better.

YABU and need to grow up.

I would suggest some self-reflection here. Even this post is strange - you quoted 8 examples of your son being very happy and settled - and then claimed that this was inappropriate. I can understand the twinge of jealousy - but its really not normal for a mother to be this angry about their son being genuinely happy. Combined with the other things you have said its clear you really really struggle with the most important part of being a parent - putting your child's happiness first.

It sounds like a lovely relationship. How is it inappropriate? I understand why you'd feel jealous.

Totally agree when did you think you’d build your relationship with your son??

So, in conclusion, you prioritised partying, drinking and holidays with your mates over your son, didn't take him away because he was "hard work" and didn't want to join you lounging by a pool, and now you're pissed off because another woman who did do all the hard graft actually has a relationship with him?

Well, fuck around and find out, as they say. You fucked around, these are the consequences.

From the title I thought the post was going to be about a teacher texting an ex-pupil or something. But no, just a loving relationship between child and stepmum

This is a completely normal and healthy relationship. Surely you should be happy your ex has found someone so caring that your son looks up to? You sound bitter and jealous.

Do you have issues with drugs or alcohol or something, OP? Because honestly I can think of no other reason that you’d prioritise going out with your mates over spending time with your boy. That’s really sad. And you show absolutely no insight whatsoever.

If this is real, it really sounds like you have some kind of issue. Ask me how I know.

he’s lucky that he has her because he doesn’t have you. And you have the audacity to criticise his dad for not spending enough time with him…

You go out with friends every weekend and go on holiday with your friends.
You’ve prioritised your social life above your son and now you are worried about his closeness to his stepmother.

How lovely. Your son has an extra someone who really cares about him and doesn't want him to feel displaced. We wouldn't let anyone meet our son until his sister had met him too.

This woman doesn't replace you, she is an extra person in your son's life who loves him. She is prioritising your son so he feels part of both the families he spends time with. For her to negotiate the relationship with his step grandparents so your son doesn't feel 'less than' or left out shows how much empathy she has towards him and how she has assimilated him into their family unit as a full member and not just a visitor. Of all the children of divorced parents, your son has a real shot at avoiding the damage that can come with divorce if he has so many people that love him and such a firm sense of belonging.

You may well be right

3 days a week for 4 or 5 years vs 5 days a week for 1 year!? 🤔

I have a sneaking suspicion OP is actually the stepmum and is upset the real mum has an issue with her so is writing this from the mum's perspective.

Ridiculous thing to get upset over!

So you preferred to go out at weekends than look after your child, giving him up every weekend, and have never taken him abroad, pretending to go with friends?

Frankly he's lucky to have his dad and stepmum. Over my dead body would I have sacrificed my relationship with my child like that.

Meant to click yabu

I don’t find any of what you’ve described as inappropriate. I agree with PPs who’ve said that you sound jealous of your son’s relationship with his stepmother. While this is completely understandable - blended families are hard and you don’t sound as if you have a close relationship with your son - it doesn’t mean their relationship is wrong, and there’s nothing you can do about it.

FWIW, I have a stepmother. She came into my life when I was 14 and married my dad when I was 17. She’s a wonderful person and I love her dearly. My youngest sister, on the other hand, was only about 18months old when stepmother came onto the scene. My sister doesn’t remember a time when our stepmother wasn’t there. They spent a lot of time together when my sister was young, so of course they have more of a mother/daughter relationship (although my sister is now in her 20s).

Hi OP,

I can see how painful this must feel for you, but I think I can see what might be happening here and I think you might be projecting your pain and anger on to the step mum. You need to remember that she’s been in your son’s life since he was 3, he does not know a life without her so she is very much part of his family. It’s honestly a really good thing that he’s got such a supportive step-mum. Your posts read that actually you might be feeling no threatened or worried that he might like her or view her as a mother figure , and maybe you feel a bit scared that he might view her in favour of you (which is very unlikely to be true. Usually kids behave the worst or are the meanest to those they feel most secure with).

Your talking about losing your son, I don’t think your losing him to her but it’s him getting older and more independent. It sounds as though she has made a great deal of effort to be a part of his life and take an interest in things (like knowing his friends). That is not to say you haven’t done the same (although if you are feeling guilt that maybe you haven’t that’s also ok) but she’s had him on the weekends which is when the real ‘quality time’ happens. You said you have historically done the weekdays, and that time is generally just short bursts to get through a routine. Maybe that way of doing things isn’t working for you any more but you need to expect some push back from him if you want to change that.

it would hurt me if my son said he didn’t want to go away with me and would prefer to go with his dad. But I could also understand that he wouldn’t want to miss out on something he does yearly and loves doing. Is there any way of working around it to give him both?

I think it’s understandable that you feel this way, but I wonder whether maybe you could think about other ways of how you can make sure you feel connected to your son instead of zooming in on his step mum. You feeling upset at them spending quality time alone together (once a month) does sound as though your struggling a bit with your own feelings rather than anything anyone else is doing and maybe the solution is to work on how you view the situation and your sense of threat rather than to focus on her relationship being ‘inapproprate’.

You're just jealous. She sounds lovely.

Actually the more and more I think about this post, the more and more I call bullshit or reverse.
Only a Mother who was so oblivious would question why her Son wanted to spend more time with their Dad/Step Mum on reading back what they had written.
I actually don’t believe a word of this now.

I think you need to rearrange your custody arrangement so that you get half the weekends and half the holidays, and your DC’s DF and SM get more weeknights and the daily grind - at the moment your ex is getting all the fun time so of course your DS prefers to be there.

If you want your son to like you and to like spending time with you then you need to put your liking for sunshine holidays by the pool on hold and start taking him on holidays that he will enjoy. You are entitled to have your DS for half the holidays, he is nine years old, you don’t invite him you just have him. Same with weekends - you have been selfish, handing your son over to your ex every weekend so that you can go out and have a good, child-free time. If you want your child to like spending time with you, have him every other weekend and do what he wants to do with him. You can go out with the your friends every other weekend when you don’t have your son.

No wonder your DS seems to prefer his SM when you palmed him off every weekend to enjoy yourself and you’ve never taken him on holiday. It’s not too late to build a proper relationship with your son. Do it now before he’s a teenager and he chooses to move in with Dad full time.

You'll always be his mum OP. And I'm sure you're a very good one. but being insecure is a recipe for pushing him away. Especially as you only get him for the week times.

I think you would have got a more sympathetic reaction here if you had worded this as 'their closeness is a bit painful/scary for me...' rather than 'isn't this loving behaviour inappropriate'? Because it's not and it sounds like it is clearly coming from a place of your own fear/pride rather than actually real concern for him.

Maybe have a think about changing this system so it works better for you and allows you to bond with him? But you'll always be his one and only mum. But do nice fun things with him too

Sorry hope that helps. Its normal to feel a bit insecure/hurt in this situation I think. But what you do next is the most important bit.

Every time you add to this thread OP you just get more bitter and jealous. It is your fault that you haven’t built that relationship with the school mums because it was “easier” for you and “you liked going out every weekend” so you chose for your son to go to his dads more than he is there with you.

“I go on holidays with my mates because my son is hard work because he doesn’t like chilling like I do” he’s a child……you are aware they like to be active and go and do fun things like theme parks.

I am so so glad your son has a nice and loving step mom and a loving dad. None of those things you’ve mentioned are inappropriate.

there is so much you could have done better and I feel you are full on pouting because you’ve pished your life away with your son because you wanted to be selfish and go out. My flabbers are actually ghasted at your post OP.

get a grip!

Why are you calling your child's father your husband?
This sounds like a reverse with a couple of slips (calling him husband).
Surely most people would appreciate their child being loved and well cared for by their step-mum, who seems to be the woman they spend most time with.
It seems mad that you would talk about never taking him on holiday because he doesn't like to laze around the pool (of course he doesn't, he is a child) so you go with your friends instead. You never had him at weekends because you like going out with friends. If this was a genuine post where you felt step-mum was in the wrong, why have you shown yourself in this light? It comes across like you are someone who puts your own needs and wants above your child whilst his step-mum steps up to do what you won't.
If this is genuine, you should have spent weekends and holidays with him sooner, then you may have developed the relationship you wanted. It's probably too late now. It seems like dad and step-mum are his main attachment figures and to try and break that up now over jealousy would be cruel and not in your child's best interests.