AIBU to think this is an inappropriate relationship?

100%
My first step mum was a huge part of my life from when I was about 3-11. And god that woman was amazing. She 100% treated me like her own and always put me first. Tbh my bio dad was only really a decent dad during that time because of her.

It killed me when they divorced 😞 (though we did write to each other and meet up- but had to hide that cos my bio dad would have gone ballistic). I'm incredibly happy for her that later in life she met so eone wonderful and they are happily married. (She always deserves better than my bio dad). And her and my mum got on really well too. I think cos my mum knew I was in good hands with her and that she looked after me.

My second step mum was.....well literally just more of of my bios dad wife. When I used to go round to visit, they'd leave me alone in the living room whilst they had dinner (never asked me to join) and was never one invited to stay over even though she had a mansion and plenty of space, I honestly never felt comfortable in that house, to the point I basically felt I had to ask permission to ven go to ten toilet. My bio dad made a huge deal about taking me and my step sister on holiday with them and then...just left me out of that.

Thigh tbh my bio dad has just as much issue with my (stepdad). Vividly remember an arguement where he told me "he's not your real dad I am". But tbh my dad has done all of the actual dad stuff, he's the one who's been there for me my entire life and supported me. He's always treated me and loved me as his own (as did his parents-who I'll always consider my grandparents). He was everything my bio dad wasn't.

You’re totally unreasonable. She sounds fab.

As a stepmum you never expect anything! When I got married my DSS (12) who has known me since he was 3, asked me if I wanted him to call me Mum, turns out he felt like I'd "earned" something but wasn't sure how to articulate it. Of course he doesn't, but he recognises that I've always got his back and I adore him (and his sister) Surely the more loving adults around a child the better? I fail to see how this threatens your bond.

It’s a bit weird that you don’t have holidays with you boy because he doesn’t want to chill around the pool like a grown up.
also I think I’d be overjoyed if my kids had a loving relationship with two parents, the more the merrier when it comes to loving supportive family

I can't help thinking that there is quite a back scenario with all this. Something like - OP was young and immature when she had DS, may have had other problems or issues that meant she was not able to care for DS properly, so his father had custody or most of it. Then he met and married his now wife who stepped up with OP's ex to look after the DS all or most of the time, with custody later adapted to for OP to take more part in DS life. It seems OP has taken a backseat, for whatever reason, maybe good reason, in raising DS. Speculation I know - would you care to comment on how accurate OP?
There is a sense from your posts that you don't feel confident enough about being DS' mother, but at the same time resent the SM as she is doing a good job. If you do have issues that hold you back OP, get help with them, don't give up. Age 9 is not too old for you to build a good bond with DS - you have time, but need to do it while he is still young. It is great that he has a positive home life with your ex, but please don't let him pick up negativity from you about the SM. That would create awful conflict in him, very hard for a child to cope with and is quite unnecessary. This is about fixing your own issues, not looking at other people. There is help out there to do it. Thinking about you and wishing you a lot of positives.💗🍀

I'll assume you just don't know what GLOAT means. Let's fix that....

. : to observe or think about something with triumphant and often malicious satisfaction, gratification, or delight

Surely you're not actually accusing the 9 year-old boy of gloating.

OP if your son is happy, loved and cared for, you should be happy. Surely this is what we want for our children.

you struck a pot of gold here, OP. Honestly. Would you have it any other way, her complaining how much she has to do for him, ignoring him, feeding him crap, leaving him on the telly 24/7

this is what just some kids feel to young aupairs. It is big sister thing, nothing inapropriate. See the many thread where the step mothers don't want to do free childcare...even about the cuddling, would you stop a child doing this who sees you as a family

I absolutely agree with this. It’s v sound advice.

Nothing stopped ypu building that relationship, you still pick up 3 days a week.
This is one you, you wanted your weekends free when he was young and now that youve realised he has such a great bond with his stepmother you're not happy.
You get out of relationships what you put in, your son is 9 and you've never taken him on holiday! That is just shocking!!!

I'm sorry but the only inappropriate thing I can see in this post OP is your blatant disregard of your own child
You havent taken him on holiday because it means you can't laze around a pool and chill all day because good lord you have to entertain your child. Compromise and explain to him that your whole holiday isn't running around theme parks and have one chill day in a week. You shove him off to his dad for half the week realistically you only really have your child before and after school cos you decided that daddy having him weekends gave you your freedom to go out with your mates all the time. In reality your ex and his wife spend better quality time with your son no wonder you're jealous. Maybe it's time to renegotiate the arrangements and actually take a weekend or two a month of having your child yourself and you may actually form a bond with him from the quality time you'll spend with him. I see so many posts on here about wicked step parents shoving the kids out of the picture once they get cosy and move in with the other parent it's actually nice to see a post about one who actually cares and here you are whining about it.

You're jealous, which is human. She sounds nice. You need to think a bit about your attitude. And dont forget, relationships change. It wont be long before he's a teenager and probably will be more interested in his friends than either you or his stepmorher. I think you need to chill.out. It could be so much worse.

Just wanted to gently say OP that I understand it must be difficult that your son has such a close relationship with his step parent, I really do get that but… it sounds like his father and step mother have created a really solid child centred home, holidays that are catered to his interests and weekends spent socially together… where as it sounds like that’s maybe been missing a little bit in your relationship with your son? I would suggest that your feelings may be a bit misplaced and to work on building something similar into your time with him :)

OP I know I'm going to come across as being harsh here, but you are coming across as being a really selfish Mum. Please read the comments being left on this thread and change your attitude otherwise in a just a few years time your son will quite possibly move out and move in with his Dad and Stepmum, unless that is what you want?

Your ex has chosen to have his new wife share his parenting responsibilities and it works very well in their case.
The stepmum loves your little boy and makes him feel very welcome.

They have had their own child but ex and stepmum have traversed that in a way where your son doesn't feel left out at all.

You are the one who feels left out.
Maybe you should share that feeling with our ex and ask how the situation could change slightly to include you a bit more as you feel that your relationship with son is suffering.

Could you go to France and holiday near them one time and have one on one times with DS every second day?
Could you rearrange your time slightly throughout the school week?
You run the risk of your son having a poor opinion of you if you upset hisl ovely life, Op.

I would say nothing and be happy for DS.

This is the quote that stood out to me too. The depth of misunderstanding in these few words ...

I think it's probably too late to change anything now.

Well it’s actually refreshing to hear of a dad making a decent amount of time for his child who isn’t from his first relationship! Wow, so dads can manage to do it!

You've done this to yourself by giving away all the quality time with your son. Rejig the contact schedule so you have weekend time with him, not just the school run slog. Take him on holiday - he's 9, he doesn't get a say - and do the things he likes, try to have fun with him and form a bond. You've got a lot of ground to make up. Children vote with their feet and you have allowed him to feel like he isn't your priority, but he is theirs/hers. Children gravitate to where there is love and focussed attention. She is giving him that. Time you started.

The baby thing is very respectful to your son - the baby is his sibling.

I think you need to find a way to manage your jealousy about your son's relationship with his stepmum, rather than expecting the relationship to change. It is very sad that you can't look at the benefits your son gets from having a secure relationship with a person he spends half of the week living with, even if it does hurt your feelings.

I cant understand why you cant take your son on a holiday as well as him having 4 weeks away with his dad? Also holidays with kids are about compromise, so you can encourage your child to consider that a few days will be spent doing things you enjoy but you should also ensure that he gets to do his favourite things too. If you like lying by a pool, could you choose a hotel with a kids club so he can make friends and have fun while you relax?

Why cant you invite his friends round to your house after school?

Can you perhaps discuss the custody arrangements so that you can have maybe one weekend a month with him, to have more time together? It is a shame that you didnt consider this when he started school, you just say it benefitted you to go out at weekends.

She sounds lovely and you sound jealous. There's nothing inappropriate about their relationship. She's his family. You may not like that but it's true.
What you're finding is that your choice to never have him weekends so you could go out partying, not take him on holiday because he's stressful, these choices are catching up on you. His normal is now to do these things with his dad and that side of his family.
Would you really try to sabotage a really healthy, loving family dynamic which your son seems to have with his dad and step mum? Why?
If you want to take him on holiday, take him. Arrange one that doesn't mean he has to miss out on his holiday with his dad. And organise something that he'll enjoy. Start rebuilding your own relationship but don't try to break down the others in his life.

I think it is sweet he refers to her a a best friend, it means she is not trying to take your place, but have a special relationship with him nonetheless!
as for not ever having weekends, that would be horrendous for me. Weekends is when all the stress of school runs and the daily drag is over and you can do fun things for you both.
I wouldn’t choose to do half the things by myself that my kids want to do as I am a grown woman but they enjoy it, so I do too.

I genuinely feel sorry for your son !

This has to be a joke.....

Youre jealous because she is a great mum and has gone out of her way to make your boy feel like her son.

The stuff with the holidays is just unbelievable. You havent taken your son away because you prefer to holiday with your mates because you want to sit by the pool and not do anything your son wants. Its very sad.

She is not “trying to be his mum”. She is being his step-mum.

You think she should be “polite and not nasty” but nothing more than that? What a low bar you set for how your son should be treated by the people he spends most time with.

And why on earth should they never be alone together? That is utterly, utterly bizarre.

The further I get through your posts the less sympathy I have for you OP. You sound like an incredibly selfish person and I am so glad for your son that he has his father and step-mother in his life.

I picture his future wife posting on here about her jealous and controlling mother-in-law.