To ask if you are a mum to an only male dc… (particularly interested in when the male dc is an adult)

Sadly, I think the saying has some truth to it. Not always. Geography plays a part. My boys are 500 miles away so it’s not easy to have frequent contact. I’m pleased they both have lovely partners and don’t need their mum next door. We talk and text quite a bit but not daily.

I don't see them often on their own because the things we would have done together alone, see bands, go on city breaks, certain resturants, are things Ddils would enjoy too, so we all go. Whereas DD and I will do things Dsil would have no interest in (Spa day, women orientated events such as book readings of feminist writers, tap class, women's gym session)
DDs MiL lives in another country. She is not particularly family inclined and doesn't tend to accept their invitations to visit very often.
Dsil and I get on like a house on fire. Without too much detail, I'm certain of my welcome where he's concerned.

I have two adults DSs in their 20s, and I think my relationships with each of them is good, but different.

One lives in the next town along with his girlfriend, but works here in his home town. He'll sometimes pop up in his lunch break, and occasionally in the evening. We never run out of things to talk about and we've always got along very well. His girlfriend doesn't get on with her mother, so sometimes DS and GF come along together in the evening and we always have a laugh. It's pleasant and comfortable.

Other DS lives about 200 miles way, so see him less often but he usually calls a couple of times a week. We don't have so much in common but we chatter along OK. It works better when we're far apart as we don't get on under the same roof.

I usually leave it to them to make contact, unless there's a serious situation going on. I've explained to them that it's not disinterest, it's because I understand they are young men busy building their futures and I don't want to be interrupting them at inconvenient times, or placing any burden on them to make duty calls or visits to me. I'm delighted to hear from them whenever they think of contacting me, and so far I feel lucky that they check in fairly regularly.

They still want to come home for a family Christmas, and although partners are invited too, DSs both say they prefer it being just us.

There used to be a saying "If you want to keep something, set it free" (or something like that), which in retrospect is what I've done, and it seems to be working so far.

Ds is 22. He has a girlfriend, has been in 2 relationships over 9 years. I feel very close to him as a person but he does find it much easier to talk to his girlfriend and friends than to me. What’s really nice is that he is much chattier to me when his gf is there too, which means I always like seeing her! I have always had an expectation that we would speak once a week, which is what I put in place when he left home, and he makes an effort to maintain that frequency. I don’t myself think that’s excessively high or terribly low but I think it means we keep in touch with at least some of the detail of each others’ lives.

I do see culturally that there is a lower expectation on frequency of mothers and sons being in touch, and I know that my own mum found it easier to chat to my sister and I. I wish ds’s dad was still alive, I think they would be chatty. But all I can do is continue to stay in touch and to think about him lovingly while not stressing over the exact texture of our relationship.

It depends entirely on your relationship with them, I'm afraid.

DH has barely any contact with his parents but it's nothing to do with me or my parents; I don't have any. His mum is just nuts and couldn't let go, and over the years he's got tired of trying to stop her from being controlling and manipulative, and instead he's just withdrawn. We see them maybe once a year for an hour or so, and he texts them once a quarter or so. His mum goes through bursts of sending him random updates. They found out about our second child when she was 5 months old. Before we got married, which seemed to tip his Mum over the edge, she came wedding dress shopping with me, she went ring shopping with DH, etc.

DH's best friend sees his mum all the time. Infact they see each other so often that me and DH are also very familiar with his mum, and she sees our kids quite regularly, too. Him and his fiancé go on holiday with his mum once a year, they meet up once a fortnight at least for a meal out and drinks, they see each other lots. She's a valued and much loved part of the family.

It's anecdotal, but looking across the people I know, men and women, the parents are included and loved if the kids enjoy spending time with them, and not if they don't, regardless of gender.

You sound like such a kind and lovely woman. Just to say I love my DMIL very much but she always kept me a bit at arms length. I suspect, like you, she was trying to be respectful. But I would have welcomed a closer relationship, had she seemed like she wanted one. Especially once we had children.

I'm very close to my DS. We talk every day. We have regular days out, just us two. We go for long walks, football matches, impromptu lunches together. We get on so well. I can't imagine our relationship ever changing. I also have a dd still at home, and we're just as close.

I've got an adult DS.
We are very close.

But I will say he doesn't have a gf or a wife, and he is unlikely too.

And I admit that when he was younger and I had anticipated he might at some point be in a relationship with a woman and have children himself I used to worry that I wouldn't have as close a relationship with my grandchildren as his DW's parents. So I can understand a little why you might worry on that score.

But even if you did have a DD there is absolutely no guarantee what your relationship would be like when she was an adult and with her children if she had any. I say this as someone who was not close to my Mother as an adult.

I have an adult son.

he’s three years post uni. Lives in a shared house in London. I pop down to London five or six times a year and we see a show together and have dinner. The whole family went away for Christmas to York.
i speak to him about once a week on the phone.

no girlfriend at the moment but he has had in the past.

My DH is an only and we were closer to his parents than mine. They were very involved with our DDs and we used to go on holidays with them, round for dinner. They came to us every Christmas, Easter, all celebrations. We all miss them terribly.

Why can’t you see them on their own @5128gap We shouldn’t be bringing up our DC to see that we treat them differently?

What relationship does your DD have with her MIL? Does she tell her partner he can’t see his mum as much or on their own or she can’t come to the house as much as you do?

Do you consider your son in law in the same way as DIL eg do you consider whether he likes you popping in as much as you do?

I've got two adult sons and an adult daughter. I've a great relationship with both my sons. We see each other several times a week and are great friends.
However, the relationship is different from before they had partners, and is different from my relationship with DD.
Because always in the back of my mind needs to be that I must never do anything that might appear to Ddils to be an overstep, that I'm pushing in or that I'm keeping DSs tied to my apron strings.Things I never need to give a second thought to with DD, as Dsil is never going to think we're 'competing' for DD, or that I need to back off now he's replaced me as 'the most important person' in DDs life.
Don't get me wrong, my Ddils are amazing, I love them, and they me. But I know if the relationship is to be healthy I have to remain aware I have a place and respect that.
So with DSs, I don't pop in as often or as casually. I no longer go on short breaks with them, just the two of us. I don't expect to see them on their own without their partners. I never expected to be the first grandma to hold their children or go with them to choose the pram, or be first choice for babysitting. All of which was the case with DD, and is the case for Ddils mum.

Is son’s dad on the scene? What is his relationship like with his parents? Do you do ‘wife work’ so doing all communicating with in laws? Model the behaviour you will want from him when he is an adult

DS is at uni, so not an independent adult. He communicates with us pretty much daily on family WhatsApp (although sometimes only a couple of words or acknowledgement of a post). He also communicates with GPs via texts independent from us. Also visits and stays with one of them (who lives quite close to uni) again sorted independent from us.

A serious girlfriend is now on the scene who still lives at home, and her home is more of a draw than us! So we are beginning to feel our way through the next phase in his life. We don’t see him as much but he will visit us either on his own or with partner. Hopefully, we will still be an important part of his life. He tends to stay with GF as more convenient, so don’t think it is turning away from us as such.

I’m very close to DS but they go to her family for Christmas and go on holidays with her family. I do feel a bit left out but I remind myself that my DS is a very good DH, as he puts his DW first, as it should be.

I've got 2 (just about) adult sons. We are incredibly close, but they still live at home.