To ask if you are a mum to an only male dc… (particularly interested in when the male dc is an adult)

My husband wasn't an only, but they were all boys, all with families. Their mother was at the heart of all of our families.

What a lovely post. And great user name @Barrenfieldoffucks

Im closer to my mil. Have a fantastic relationship, she is my go to with my DD. I havent seen my mam in over a year my DH has had her over to see DD when i am in work as thats easier for me. So once you try be what you future DIL needs in the relationship you may fair better

No but MIL firmly believes a daughter is a daughter for life. Its being a self fulfilling prophecy as she has pushed away her sons and grandsons by insisting on doing just about everything with her daughter's and granddaughters. She will say we are doing girly things. I dont think going out for lunch with her grown dc counts as a "girly" things. She constantly declined invites from dh and on the very rare occasion we asked her to ba babysit she often refused because "her girls MIGHT need her to babysit". He stopped bothering to invite her and we stopped asking her to babysit. Now her "girls kids" are older she is more keen to be "help" we dont ask and our older kids are not interested in her. She doesnt understand why.

If someone believes a daughter is a daughter for life they will ensure she is and if someone decides a son is a son until he takes a wife they definitely will be as they will be pushed out.

Ignore the old fashioned ideas. I know plenty of mums with adult sons who adore there mothers.

I'd suggest that, when the time comes, you work on being the best MIL that you can be. It's a finer line to walk than being the Mum of the wife/girlfriend, but it's definitely doable

I get on so well with my sons long term partner, but I don't interfere or try to express my pov too much. My son and his partner are always popping in to see us and my relationship with him hasn't changed at all, it's still very close , as is my relationship with his partner

I find it harder work to make sure things are happy with my DIL than with ny daughter, but I think that's quite normal. And I work hard at achieving a happy relationship !

My MIL, back in the day, was an interfering, controlling woman who perceived her son (my husband) to be a Prince Amongst All Men and who made it very obvious that I was most definitely not good enough for him or for their family

I pulled back from seeing her as did my husband and she blamed me for this low contact 🙄

Totally agree with PP’s, far more about personalities and the relationship than being a son or daughter :) my husband is incredibly close with his lovely mum, as am I and our DC, we see his parents most weekends popping in for a coffee, we go out for lunch, celebrate all birthdays/christmas/ Easter etc together, go on holiday together. My brother lives far away from my parents but again is very close with them - talk a few times a week, visit each other often and things. My husband’s sister on the other hand lives very far away, is extremely independent and although she’s wonderful we barely ever see her and hear from her very sporadically! It’s something I think about often too as I have an only son and despite years of trying it looks like more children aren’t on the cards for us, so I try to focus on what I can control and trust in the relationship I’m building with my son and, hopefully if that’s in his future, any partner he may have!

I have two adult DSs, 25 ( living with GF about 20 minutes drive away) and 18 (Y13).

DS1 and GF are here usually at least once a fortnight and are coming on our next holiday with us. They split Christmas Day, part with us, part with her DPs, also with us on Boxing this year. I usually see him on Mother’s Day as well. So I see him more than I did when he was at uni.

My advice is not to complain or guilt trip - just keep the invites warm and welcoming for them both. MIL doesn’t have as easy a relationship with BIL, and frequently makes comparisons about how much they’re with SIL’s parents. It does not draw them closer.

I read this kind of stuff and get sad about the thought of having boys. Nobody should be surprised over gender disappointment

You can’t generalise though, I have friends that prefer to spend xmas with their DHs family & friends who get annoyed that one dc always has the mum.

My MIL is just as involved with our family as my mum. Logistics and relationships play a big part. My DH speaks to his mum every other day whereas I speak to my mum
about 1-2 x a week. I speak to my dad daily.

I think it also depends on what relationships you saw modelled growing up.

My husband wasn't an only, but they were all boys, all with families. Their mother was at the heart of all of our families. I never met his father as he passed away before we met (DH is the youngest), but they were a close family. At various points she came on holiday with us, had been away with all of them, was always with someone for Christmas, was taken away for birthdays and vice versa. She was very much loved and is missed.

She was the least presumptive character, to the point she needed to be reminded sometimes that she was wanted and not endured. Not in a 'martyr' type fashion, she was just quite happy with her own company and secure in how the family felt about her. She was not a pushover however, she raised 4 brilliant boys with very definite characters!

I read this kind of stuff and get sad about the thought of having boys. Nobody should be surprised over gender disappointment

I have two young adult sons. One still at home after coming back from uni, and the other at uni. The one living away rarely messages first, we speak maybe once or twice once a week but always instigated by me. He’s just living his best life! The other was the same. We all get on fine.
All my friends with DD and DS of a similar age spend lots more leisure time with their DD, out for drinks, shopping, holidays etc, they don’t seem to do these things with their sons. I get it. My boys would rather go to the football and play golf with DH.

I only have sons, all adults now. We are in contact all the time. I see one of them at least once a week as they live closer to me.
One lives abroad and we video call once a week and message in-between.

The other two live further away within the UK and I see them regularly and again we are in contact via messages each week and occasional phone calls.

I have a good, close, relationship with all of them.

Agree. Also dislike "daddy's girl."

I refuse to do reminders for birthdays/cards/mothers day etc and he is useless so he's always in the doghouse. However, I have a massive family and my own people to please so I'm not taking on any wifework

It's not wifework to remind your DH to get his mum a card or even send one yourself from both of you. It's just a decent thing to do. Try it (bet you won't).

Not me but my DM is very close to my DB (closer than with me and my DSis) and my MIL is very close to DH (closer than with her DD) so I have hope for my boys. I think it's more the personality than the gender.

Yes I think it can be. Daddy’s girls are often seen as a spoilt princesses or at the other end of the spectrum ‘pick me’ girls.

I also think the extreme ‘boy mom’ type gets a lot of press but I find the extreme ‘girl dad’ thing equally weird! ‘My daughter can’t date until she’s 30’ ‘I loved her first’. I don’t think either are particularly positive.

But I think OTT dads get more slack as the standard for dads is lower so a super involved dad is applauded. Women are also seen as needing more protection than men so the overprotection of daughters is more accepted than with sons.

My husband is an only child. He is very close to his mum and family. Calls his dad a lot who lives a few hours away. Visits his grandparents. Buys thoughtful presents etc.

To be clear, my DDils are fantastic. They don't actively stop my DSs seeing me alone or expect anything. But it would be really weird for DS and I to say we're off on our own together to see that band we all like. Or for DS to take annual leave and use it to go away with just me not his wife.
I think its pretty good going that DDils are happy for me to go with them tbh.
DDils also choose to come along when DSs visit because we get very well and they like to see me, and me them.
With my DD its different because there are things we do that are aimed at or for women (we recently went to a woman's yoga retreat for example) so there's no question DSil would want to come along. Sometimes Ddils do though!

My ds is 20. There's only the 3 of us and we are very close. Ds very affectionate always hugging me. He kisses me goodnight and goodbye. We still do things together. We regularly love going to see retro movies together at our local cinema and he goes to gigs a lot with his dad(dh). He's really sociable with loads of mates he goes out with too. I think we have the perfect balance. I love him to bits and we'll always be close.

I think this is a bit OTT tbh. I’m not a MIL, but I’m very happy for my male partner to see his mum on his own and I wouldn’t expect to be invited to everything - or anything, really - that they do

I have a DS he is lovely. He is backpacking round Australia at the moment but we text everyday and WhatsApp once a week. He is coming home for a family holiday in July. Every evening before going to bed her texts night. We have a great relationship. He did have a GF for four years. She came to our most evenings for dinner and stayed several weekends.

Sorry I’m struggling to quite understand what you are getting at.

I’ve always had a close relationship with my son who is now an adult and has recently become a father. We are still very close and message most days and I am often invited round by him and his partner to see baby and spend time with them.

I gave them space when baby was born (as I would have done had I had a daughter) but they were keen for all grandparents to regularly visit so they took the lead on this.

As for things like babysitting and who goes where at Christmas etc, my son and his partner have divided time equally between grandparents. It’s been lovely and I hope you experience the same OP.

As a mum of boys, this is very depressing.

Not what you asked but I am a daughter who has the worst relationship with our mother.

I call far less than my brothers and visit barely ever. They're much better children than I am.

You can't guarantee any daughter would be close.

I think it does change when the DS has a long term relationship / marriage. It kind of has to. Just like things change when you have a second baby - it’s hard, but it’s a very natural moving on.