To ask if you are a mum to an only male dc… (particularly interested in when the male dc is an adult)

We’re not close really tbh. He seems to only phone me up when he wants money and when I call
him for a chat it’s always very stilted. He never calls me just for a chat, it’s heartbreaking actually because I’ll always love him but I’m not sure he loves me.

I don't mean as children, I mean as adults. As two adult women, there are things DD and I enjoy that are geared towards women. I think most women would have examples of such in their lives from 'girls nights out', to being part of a women's excercise or dance classes, or a feminist book reading, things we can share with our adult DD as two women, without it being odd she is doing the thing with her mum not her spouse.
There is no equivelent with our adult sons, unless we hapoen to share an interest our DiL doesnt have, so we are less likely to do things alone with him.

Very close to my 3 adult DS

I dunno I mean why are you focusing on this when there are numerous comments here from people who are very close to their sons. There are also plenty of people who don’t get on with their daughters.

My DH is an only child and we have a great relationship with MIL.

Personally, I think the old fashioned 'a son's only your son until he finds a wife' is very unhelpful and can become a self fulfilling prophesy. In the early years of out marriage (especially when the DC were very small) there was some tension in the relationship with MIL and it was all down to comparison between our relationship and her relationship with her own mum/perception of our relationship with my DM/perception of friends' relationships with their DDs. At those times I think she was so focussed on not losing her DS than she didn't consider our personalities/other commitments etc. The relationship she thought she was losing was not one that either of us would ever have had with anyone; it wasn't personal, we're just independent people. When she realised that she wasn't actually 'losing' him and calmed down the relationship was able to develop more naturally and is now very healthy and works for all of us. I think any 'in law' relationship can be tricky to navigate but the lesson I've learned for when it's my turn is to try to allow it to develop like any other relationship.

I'm one of 3 children and am the only girl. I left home to go to university at 18 and only returned for very short visits once I'd graduated. Both my brothers settled close to our parents and both had families, in which my mother (as you're talking from a mum's perspective) was massively involved.

I never had children and always lived a long way away from our parents.

There is absolutely zero guarantee you'd get a girl if you had another baby and zero guarantee you'd be closer to her than to your son when they became adults.

That's the main thing! Still think they are both lucky you are so understanding 😄 but it's probably why he is close to you x

This saying is BS.
My DH is one of two male siblings and they were very supportive of their DM - in fact my BIL was over-solicitous and it got on her nerves.
We went on holiday with them a couple of times when DCs were young and DH went round weekly.

I have an adult DS too, he’s away at uni atm but we are close and I expect that to last.

im sure it all depends on who the DS marries (same for a DD), distance to you/ILs, general type of relationship.

They actually seem really happy together. There’s never an atmosphere between them, they seem to really love each other.

My DH is one of 2 boys and they are both really close with their parents. They both live a distance away but call/message a lot and visit where possible.

I have a different perspective as the mother of an autistic son with significant social and emotional difficulties. I worry that he’ll struggle to live independently from us. Both of my children are closer to their father than to me. More in common, and he’s generally a bit warmer and kinder.

The things we do with our DSs are by nature, mixed sex things

What is an activity that isn’t mixed sex?

You are a lovely mum and your DiL is very lucky to have you! Yes, you're right he should put his wife first....but shouldn't she also put her husband first, and agree to alternate? If this was a daughter you were talking about I'm sure there'd be a few comments about her maybe being in a controlling relationship!

However, for many people, there are activities that are mixed sex, and activities we do with our own sex. This doesn't mean we have to divide the world into pink and fluffy and blue and worthy. It simply means that some things are orientated towards women (or men) such as the examples I gave earlier about things I do with DD.

But if you have same sex dc I think there is less splitting the family for different activities, also when you have more than 2 dc simply due to logistics.

Its not about 'going shopping' really. My DS2 enjoys shopping and my DD and DS2 hate it, as do I.
However, for many people, there are activities that are mixed sex, and activities we do with our own sex. This doesn't mean we have to divide the world into pink and fluffy and blue and worthy. It simply means that some things are orientated towards women (or men) such as the examples I gave earlier about things I do with DD. As mums we are able to do these things with our DDs without our Dsil feeling excluded.
The things we do with our DSs are by nature, mixed sex things. So if he has a woman partner, his first choice for those activities will (should) be her, not mum. So if his mum is fortunate, she gets to go with them as a couple, but rarely would it be appropriate for her to do them alone with her DS while his partner stayed home.
Exceptions will always exist where mum and son share an interest his wife doesn't of course.

But there are loads of other people who are close tobtheir DS's. I am far closer to my DS's that I am to my own mum. My brother sees her every week and they live 15 minutes away. I moved away in my 20's. I stay in a hotel when I go to visit now because we will inevitably have a row. Apart from that I didnt have kids so I could have someone to go shopping with. I want them to have their own lives.

I love this. MIL warm invites and welcomes are only for her daughters and granddaughters. The boys dont get that. If they did they would have the same warm relationship.

My partner is an only child. He is extremely close with both of his parents

I only have dds so can’t speak from a mother’s perspective. But I can tell you about my DH and his relationship with his parents.

DH loves his mum, but has a complicated relationship with his dad, who is perfectly nice but can be difficult at times (as can my mother).

he messages them once or twice a week and if left to his own devices would maybe pop in for a coffee couple of times a year. Never speak on the phone. Luckily for them, I’m a nice daughter in law and will encourage DH to see them more often. I invite them for Sunday lunch and then always invite them for Christmas as my parents will always have some of my other siblings (large family) and if we don’t invite his parents they will be alone (despite having two older sisters who literally live in the same village as his parents).

they probably spent more time with the DC when they were small, MIL was helpful and wanted to have the kids one day a week while I was at work and my mum really didn’t want to do that at all. That said my mum had a small child still when my DC were small and so we used to do more days out and things together.

On the whole, the DC are much closer to my side of the family. They know their cousins from my side of the family that live on the other side of the world better than they know their cousins that live 10 miles away on DHs side. it was a bit awkward at dd1s 21st when the whole of my side of the family was invited and only MIL and FIL from DHs side. FIL actually asked why DHs sisters and nieces weren’t there and I had to say because they don’t know them and they have no relationship (dd1 said this when we talked about inviting them). We have tried over the years but they’re just not interested. Whilst they know my side really well. I think seeing my DDs laughing and joking with my sisters made him a bit sad about how close they were, but that’s because we have always made an effort to see each other and DH and his sisters don’t.

so basically. The wider family is very much my family for my DC. But they are quite close to their grandparents because I have made sure they are and they are always included. If it had been entirely up to DH they wouldn’t be. Not because of any bad feeling but it just doesn’t occur to him to go and see them or invite them to anything.

I have an adult male son. We are close in terms of the quality of our relationship and how we get on, but I don't see him lots because of his working hours and he is a bit rubbish at messaging/time passes quickly.

He is getting married and actually contact is a bit more frequent with his fiance involved as she is a bit better at organising social calendars and responding to messages! I have a close relationship with her as well, which helps

I have a 25 year old son. He lives with his DP about two hours away from me.

He calls me at least twice a week, sometimes more often. I see him about every six weeks. We message every day.

I would say we are very close. I get on very well with his DP and am supportive and positive about their relationship.

I adore my MIL and in some ways she's easier to speak to than my DM (although we are close as well).

We do live in different countries however that was my husband's decision way before he met me. Ironically his sister lives geographically close by to them but her relationship with them has been much more up and down over the the years.

I frequently share updates on our family WhatsApp (way more than my husband does) and I look forward to having them stay. I think they'd hear a lot less if I didn't do that, not because my husband isn't close to them but he's just not great at that sort of thing. As PP have said it's much more about the relationship than gender (IMHO)

Honestly don’t worry about a thing. My DS is 30. Lives with his GF and 3 children. Youngest is our Grandson but we treat the others the same. We holiday together. We eat out together. Have Christmas together. He always comes to me for advice. As long as you know your place then it will be fine. We give them their wings and then they learn to fly

I am a woman and I'm just thinking that the way my Mum behaves with me and her other daughters.. if we were men she would probably get accused of overstepping and being a MIL from hell by MN. I have a son and I really hope the only difference would be not being able to do the newborn baby stuff with grandkids as much as the maternal family. That's just nature as a woman needs her Mum at that time. But I don't see how it would affect the relationship with the grandkids. My MIL lives closer than my mother and she could develop a better relationship with them if she wanted.

But I see my partner not contacting her when he should or sending pictures and it does worry me. Hopefully it's not inate.

I have two adult DS. The youngest went NC with me , his brother, grandparents, cousins 6yrs ago. No explanation. My eldest is a darling but an absolute bugger to communicate with. Never reads messages or returns calls.

I’m close to my son, but he lives in America now, so it’s mainly FaceTime, phone calls etc

But, he talks to me if he’s got worries, so it’s not about closeness for us - if he lived nearer, I’d see more of him.

My daughter lives 10 minutes away, so I see much more of her.