‘DH’ is this ok or downright uncaring?

Do you have kids?

I'd seriously be reconsidering the relationship

I had a severe reaction to a new medication I was put on and spent 12 hours vomiting, well a lot of it was dry heaving as nothing left. DH didn’t leave my side at all apart from to clean up, get bowls and call 111. I was taken to hospital by ambulance and he followed in the car. Being sick is not nice obviously but people can inhale or choke on vomit so need looking after, well that’s what we both think.

You sadly have an uncaring husband, hope you feel better soon.

This is the wisest advice I’ve read on the internet

What would your kids do if they were bleeding and being sick?! 😂

You really want someone talking to you while you’re getting sick ?

The man drove you to the GP and then to the pharmacy and got your prescriptions. It’s not like he’s abandoned you and naff all.

It’s quite common for people to experience the need to vomit if someone is wretching in front of them - is it possible he experiences this ? If so do you want him coming to the door and needing to vomit alongside you - very romantic … very caring right ?

Im sorry you’re unwell and I hope you’re better soon. I think you need to communicate what you need from him. Men cannot read minds. Rest up.

In this instance it was a man. It usually is on MN when we're talking about one half of a couple wanting the other to do more and the sacred 'work' gets trotted out to excuse all kinds of selfish, uncaring behaviour. Unless you are a surgeon, pilot or similar, most jobs are not so bone crushingly awful that a bit less sleep is make or break. I'm a teacher, full time, single parent to two. I've managed through early childhood night-time waking, multiple mid-night bed wetting, early waking, domestic disasters requiring emergency call outs at 2am and still managed to go to work and function. It irks me that so much utter crap is excused cos 'work'.

What are you like as a patient, my DH is awful when he is ill so I just make sure he is regularly watered and leave him to it.

he will have known you hadn’t passed out as he would have been able to hear you.

You do sound a bit dramatic op and that you would need him to check on you for some reason ?
I wouldn’t check on another adult being sick .. you’re an adult .. you can manage!
He probably went to sleep so he didn’t have to listen to you tbh .

I probably wouldn't have fallen asleep, but when DP and I were first together I wouldn't ever check on him if I could hear him vomiting, because when I'm ill I'm like a wounded animal and just take myself off and want to be left alone, and I have always assumed other adults are the same.
He actually asked me if I was angry with him after one bout of illness because I hadn't come to rub his back or bring him water. He was in the bathroom with access to water, and I would hate it if someone was rubbing my back when I was sick!
It opened my eyes to our completely different ideas of what someone needs in that situation. I felt awful and I'm much more "hand on" now, though DP knows to leave me be!
Maybe have a word with your DH and just see if he's a bit like me and fairly emotionally constipated when it comes to illness!

P.s. I'm so sorry you're unwell, and I do hope you feel better soon!

I like stories like this. Good on them.

Dh wouldnt have come in. He would have shouted are you ok and if I said yes he would go to sleep (sleeps like the dead and just instantly drops off) if I said no he would ask what he could do

Kidney infections can be very serious (and it certainly seems as if yours is) and can leas to all manner of complications. If you vomited up your antibiotic you not only risk dehydration but sepsis and that he just went to sleep tells you everything you need to know about where you feature in his list of priorities.
I'm so sorry. He sounds horrible.

Very crappy, you’re at high risk of sepsis with a uti that bad. He should be watching you like a hawk and ready to take you to a+e if you start going downhill. Intravenous antibiotics are the next step. Been there done that. Your life could be in danger. Urinary sepsis goes fast once it’s in the kidneys.

Ok having read your updates I revise my answer! He’s a selfish uncaring knobhead.

I’m not sure actually OP, not without more information about what kind of partner he is generally. My OH tends to get snappy and irritable when he’s ill and prefers to be left alone. If I asked if he was ok while he was vomitting or even afterwards he’d be likely to snap at me something like ‘what do you think?’ So I tend to stay out his way and give him space. I suppose that could look quite uncaring to the outsider. I also don’t like being spoken to or have someone hovering around when I’m ill or in pain because talking back takes mental energy I don’t have lol. But I do appreciate acts of kindness like being made a cup of tea or brought tissues/painkillers or covered with a blanket.
So it depends how he usually is I guess.

I personally wouldn’t expect him to stay up and wait for me but that’s because I quite frequently suffer with these as well as food intolerance and who wants to listen and wait for someone in loo wether it’s coming from either ends. Get you feel really shitty but if he is in other ways great and you’re happy then let it go. But to be fair it seems like this is a bit of a stretch from other issues you have with him.

I have too much time on my hands today...

Look, OP, I'd usually agree with the first poster, but there can be more to him falling asleep.
My husband is 75, three decades older than me. When I had norovirus, by the time I ran to vomit for the fifth time, he was also fast asleep.😊
Normally he does absolutely what he can, very supportive, but had no idea what nv was.
I know you must be feeling horrible with that stuff, is it possible that your husband was awake worrying before and then dozed off?
I mean, my husband wouldn't think that I'd pass out, it hasn't happened in 20 years.
Unless he is really dismissive otherwise?

Get better soon, these infections are bitches. 💐

Everyone is different and copes with illness/sickness differently. Maybe he meant to check up on you but fell asleep. My DF is exactly like your DH. It’s not great I agree, and frustrating, but if they have other redeeming qualities then I couldn’t get too worked up about it.

I’d say the same about a woman. Nothing to do with being a man. What on earth are you talking about?

If you’ve got to be up for work and have no idea how long someone’s going to be in the bathroom for, I think it’s reasonable to get your head down.

Nor me really.

And you were in the en suite.

I'm really sorry this has upset you, @Betty1305. I’m not surprised it has. I was very unwell last year after an operation and spent several nights hauling myself out to the loo several times a night feeling like death. DH slept through it all (separate rooms but still - I had to flush the loo, keep washing my hands every time etc so although I tried to be quiet, I couldn’t be silent).

He's genuinely not uncaring but he simply doesn’t possess any nurturing instinct whatsoever, and after my illness he had to take over doing everything around the house for a while as I just couldn’t. But even though I was ill (just…less ill) I had to keep telling him how to do things. Ridiculously basic things. It really hit how - when he'd been laid up in bed not long before - I'd just quietly got on with it all, made sure he was OK, had food to eat, the house was ticking along, everything was under control and he honestly hadn’t needed to worry about a single thing.

It made me feel very lonely and upset and tbh I had to accept that there’s now nobody in my life who’s going to look after me when I’m ill, like my mum used to back in my childhood. It’s basically down to me I guess. A very hard and bitter lesson.

Even if they were gone a while?

If I hear my husband being sick I don't expect it to be that long before he's back in bed tbh.

Mine tends to go out of his way for other people too. It's called making yourself look good so its actually all about them.
But even he would've shouted out are you ok? He actually came downstairs the other night when I got up to see if I was ok as hadn't been feeling that great earlier.
For him to fall asleep whilst you were vomiting is unforgivable. If you become reliant on him in later years this is how you will be cared for. Not cared for.

DP had chemo..a known quantity for vomiting, I would still be ready with water to rinse their mouth...a drink or another source of support. Could not imagine falling asleep until I knew they were settled and comfortable. This is why we live together isn't it?
I can't believe the folk without imagination to think someone might collapse or deteriorate when they rush to the bathroom.

What an uncaring blissful life they must lead 🤦‍♀️

OP - this is fair warning 💐

It wouldn't occur to me that vomiting might make you pass out. I'm an adult, I wouldn't expect anyone to be checking on me like that