DS injured self and framed another child!

This is pretty extreme behaviour and I would be livid. If I were this girls parents I would want him removed from the club. How would you feel if a girl falsely accused your son of sexual assault and he had no CCTV to back up his innocence.

The boy needs some counselling. It takes some mighty level of rage to self inflict that type of injury on yourself just for the purposes of getting revenge on someone who’s better at something than you are. I would be concerned about his attitude towards women and how it will affect his behaviour in future relationships.

What do you mean "Thank goodness for CCTV"? It clearly says in the OP "The staff have now put the situation under investigation as there is no cctv in the area it happened."

Lots to process here, but I’m also interested to know if he’d feel humiliated if it was a boy who dominated him?

I think deliberately hurting himself with the intention to frame her is a bit extreme
and quite vindictive. I do think I’d get him to write an apology note to both her and the fitness club.
if he’s kicked out then that is a natural
consequence.

I’d get him to read a book and write something to show his understanding of jealousy and bullying. And talk about what is A better way to react to healthy competition and losing. Which is to work harder and practice more not sabotage!

id also be checking what media he is seeing and engaging in and if that is skewing his behaviour to something like this.

I really hope the club kicks him out. I remember training with boys like this in jiu jitsu when I was a teenager. One would deliberately go out of his way to hurt me secretly when instructors weren't watching as he hated the fact that I was better than him. One day I had enough and punched him really hard in the face which obviously I shouldn't have done but I was the one who ended up in trouble for the whole thing. The one silver lining though was that he started crying after I hit him and he didn't come back to the club after that.

I worry with the rise of all of that manosphere BS that this kind of behaviour from the OP's DS will be more common.

OP I know he is your son but you need to be telling the club what he has told you. He needs to face to consequences of his actions and also the girl in question needs to have her name cleared as she hasn't done anything wrong at all.

I also think your DS needs counselling as deliberately injuring yourself like that just to try and spite someone else is absolutely not normal at all.

I don't think it is normal, especially not for 12. That's a very malicious and thought out plan to punish a girl for daring to be better than him at something. Imagine how that would play out if he one day has a wife or girlfriend who out-earns him or is in some other way more successful than him.

I would say as a minimum, he needs to honestly tell the class teacher what he did, and give a full apology for the girl.

Personally I'd be withdrawing him from that activity even if he isn't kicked out out of respect for the victim who probably does not want to see him every week.

He could spend that hour studying the history of feminism, the patriarchy and the oppression of women, which he needs more than martial arts right now.

I only have experience of my own, now 15 year old son, but I personally don't think this situation is 'normal behaviour' for 12 years old, at all. To me there seems to be a degree of planning, likely linked to this girl recently being given star of the week. I would be also concerned that your son did this because she is a girl, and is somewhat better than him, and he couldn't stand being beaten by a female. That is sexist, and to not only deliberately injury himself but to blame this girl, to me is a punishment. Yes, ultimately he's jealous but the act itself is a punishment.

Unfortunately, yes he could be thrown out the club, and he will deserve it. It will be a lesson in understanding that all behaviour has consequences

Don’t wait until tonight. Message them now and ask them to call you this evening.

the sooner the girl knows she’s been cleared the better. The poor child could well be absolutely terrified of what’s going to happen to her. Do you want a young tween to suffer any longer than necessary?

and I think your DS should be with you while you make the call. He made a mistake and owned up, but he needs to understand that the consequences could have been terrible.

a severe punishment is needed, together with compassion for his error in judgment.

The misogyny is alarming, where is he getting those ideas from?

I’d ask to speak to one of the safeguarding leads at school, both to ask if they can provide any support or suggest resources but also so they can be keeping an eye out to see whether there are any wider issues amongst the year group or if he is being influenced by another child/children who need to be safeguarded themselves.

Praise him for his honesty, don’t shame him. It’s a good opportunity to role model healthy attitudes and build a secure relationship where he can trust you and be honest with you. He will obviously need to own up and apologise but hopefully he will grow from the experience.

I think this is serious enough to investigate his views on ambition and gender stereotypes, plus I’d keep an eye on his impulse control. He’s only 12 and emotions can get the better of them at times, but if this becomes a pattern then I’d be worried. You can tell him that you appreciate him telling you the truth and that you are here to support him through the next steps, but that he needs to apologise to the girl and the club, and face the consequences such as exclusion from the club.

that was what leapt out at me....and its not an instant thing, there is some planning there, maybe even to knowing there is no cc tv. I'd deffo be checking what he watches, what his friends are like and so on.

Very concerning behaviour and in no way ‘normal’. I seriously hope you've now informed the club!

I think OP needs to apologise to the girl’s parents too. They must be very upset and reasonably quite angry when they know the truth.

What has the club said? It might be good if he does get kicked out, because that kind of behaviour needs a serious consequence.

Is the club fair to boys and girls? Do the girls get more stars because they are doing better and working harder, and is this clear to the boys? There may be some well-intentioned favouritism of the girls, which he may find frustrating and unfair.

However, it sounds like even if that's the case, it's only a part of the problem. It sounds like the girl he's matched with is just better than him at the moment and he plotted and went to extreme lengths to try to get rid of her. That's absolutely nuts and he does need to face consequences and understand why he's in the wrong.

Honestly, I'd be absolutely furious. He's 12. The age of criminal responsibility in the UK is 10 (not that what he did was criminal) and he is two years past that.
He 100% knew what he was doing. It wasn't 'poor decision making' - it was a deliberately lie aimed at causing another child hurt, embarrassment and potentially costing her her place at a club she loved. All because she was a girl.

I wouldn't just be telling the club. I'd be making him apologise to her for lying - in front of her parents and the coaches - and I would be pulling him out.

I think he’s made a really really stupid rash decision but the positive thing is that he did own up. He knows he’s done wrong and that it’s gone too far. Had he not owned up then I’d be very concerned. The fact that he has shows self awareness, remorse and guilt which is good. Still needs a hefty consequence for what he’s put the girl through and a big discussion over sportsmanship and the importance of being able to lose gracefully especially to girls if it was her gender that was his issue.

is a major red flag, he needs to speak to a professional as that level of rage and lying is very serious

Sounds like the boy from Adolescence and we all.know how that ended.
I don't know what the answer is but it needs sorting asap. Have you checked what he's looking at online?

This was my thought. Lying is one thing - but it feels bigger than that. It feels as if the rage came from being 'humiliated' by a girl, and this is worrying as he goes into puberty. I'd be looking at his social media and considering counselling.

How did you respond to that?

I’m a single mum of 2 boys, so I know how difficult it is to keep an eye out for this. But because of what these boys are exposed to now, if you’re not careful, you really have to be on top of it.

Complaining that girls are receiving star of the week more often than boys would trigger a discussion in my house about why that may be; the unfairness against girls in the past and the difficulty of keeping girls this age involved in sport etc. And then also that boys of this age will be hitting puberty, creating advantages, so those girls holding their own is deserving of star of the week. And also the obvious; that the girls have been better recently and actually deserved the award which is the main reason for it. It’s a difficult chat because you don’t want them thinking the girls got it “just because” but I also want my boys to understand that they may not have built the patriarchy hill, but they stand on top of it simply because of their sex.

Obviously you don’t want to go to far and have a narrative of “boys are shit” so still be full of pride and praise for all they do, whilst ensure they are empathetic towards other people and women without jealousy and meanness and all the rest of it.

I'm glad he's told you. He needs to know it's better that he's told the truth as well as being told it's absolutely unacceptable to lie in the first place, to purposefully get someone else into trouble and to use his frustration in this way. Acknowledge that it does feel challenging if someone else is better at something but that the correct response is to channel that into your own physical training and to respect the other person for their ability.

Tell the wrestling coach people ASAP.

He deserves to be kicked out as well.

I dont think that's normal at all and I think its very extreme. He needs to be made to say sorry direct to the girl and the teachers.

I worry that if he’s making things up like this at the age of 12, it could develop into resentment or hostility towards women in his future relationships.

Oh no OP, I'd report the 'update' to the club immediately, if he gets kicked out, so be it, actions have consequences. If he doesn't then there needs to be a very heartfelt apology to the girl and the club from DS.

I too would be concerned about the underlying misogyny here and have a look at some resources to help with that.

I assume the first thing you did was contact the club and tell them?