Other People's Parenting

No I wasn't walking down to the park. But I knew my son, I knew all the local kids and parents. If I needed to stop my son playing with someone I would absolutely do it. At 10-11 years old you do need to keep on top of this before it becomes a real problem, drugs, drink shop lifting etc. Being aware is a major part of parenting at this age group

Erm I didn't even mention social media. For your information at 17 my teen still dosnt use social media. My child also used to go to the park on the way home, I still had to right to stop this if my child was playing with someone I didn't like and I would give reasons. Your child is in year 6. When you have a child in year 12 who will realise how young a year 6 actually is.

At nearly high school age you do have an influence on who they hang out with. I have much older teens. At your child's age I did have to power to say no to certain friendships, eg people coming to my house or them going to certain friends. As a result my older teens have lovely friends and my relationship with my teens is closer than it's ever been, so no damage done. No they aren't 6 anymore, but they are not 17-18 either and you do have authority to say no and you do have influence. And the other parents aren't bad parents, they are doing what's right for them in their family

The problem isn't the other parents. The problem is you need to set the boundaries for your own children.

And btw I am not against gaming on principle. Studies have shown that millennials who first played games actually have an increase in brain function from doing so.

The difference is the games we used to play were linear, instant death and restart games, with little guidance - you just had to figure it out, and try again and again and again and again.

Most games now are not set up like that. You die, you respawn in place. Levels are subsectioned so dramatically that there’s little resistance to progression in the game and resilience and brain pathways aren’t laid in the same way. The logic and problem solving is also gone as games are much easier with hints and helping you through it.

So maybe some research into the types of games you will get for him would be a good prep for when you do get a console.

I really feel for those with kids a bit older (my eldest is 4)

Our parent year in this area have really gone hard on this. People have signed declarations in nursery & reception years to agree that they will not give a smartphone until X date.

We are not even a well to do area. This is an average working class (many would say lower class) area.

I know you might feel alone and I understand you don’t want your son left out. But do know you aren’t alone, you’re just a few flipping years out!

That’s very annoying. I would be pissed. But I really do feel like the newer cohorts of parents are trying to tackle this. When your kid grows up those years will simmer away and it’s not going to be unusual anymore for having not been allowed these things.

So don’t do it! Just say no. If he wants to remove everything from his bedroom so be it - he can do it. But you aren’t buying a game console for his bedroom!

Boxing is basically just beating people up. There’s nothing good in encouraging violence. It’s grim. I think it’s ludicrous that it’s an Olympic sport.

I think unlimited access to those apps is madness BUT I also think it’s naive to think most older siblings are going to protect their younger siblings from inappropriate content. Or that your dc will not want to be heavily involved in gaming (addictive and SO much fun).

Your job is to create the counterbalance. The real life opportunities that distract her from her online life. My older dc likes martial arts, SUP and kayaking in summer, DofE, looking after her pets. And recently reading smutty romantasies (no, I don’t approve but it’s better thank TikTok … probably).

I know what you mean, there is so much more to the world. I think it depends on their friendship circle. I have an 11 yr old boy. He has two groups of friends, one of four (and then him) and the other is a three (and then him). Of the four none have a phone. My son isn’t allowed YouTube unless it’s on the only TV we have in the sitting room and one of us is around and then it’s only for 20 mins. They mainly seem to play Zelda or Fortnite. Of the group of three, two have brick phones/what they call a house phone basically for calling their parents when out of the house. The other has a proper smartphone.

he is still busy with scouts, football, swimming. He meets his friends at the pool or town’s football pitch. We bake together sometimes and he does drawing videos.

About 8 months ago he was desperate for pocket money and we’ve tied it into reading with us once a week, learning chess with his dad once a week and doing lengths at the pool with me once a week. He seems to be enjoying it. Can you try bribing yours with anything like that because I’ve found now it’s a habit and if we forget or are too busy my son says ‘but we didn’t read together this week.’ Etc

Can I ask what your issue is with him wanting to learn boxing?

You can encourage, but you cannot control.

You are not BU. If it's true then that is shit parenting.

It's really sad that gaming / being online is stopping children from living fuller lives and that parents are stupid or lazy enough to let it happen.

Stick to your guns - can you encourage your DC to invite their mates to yours rather than the other way around?

I'm quite strict on screens but I know people who've allowed them unlimited AS LONG as their DC do sports, homework, hobbies, outdoors time too. I think that's fair enough.

Is he at secondary yet? If not that might be an opportunity to widen horizons.

I really encouraged mine to be friends with children whose parents had similar values to mine.
Families who all eat together in the evening. No smart phones before secondary and then only with restrictions. No screens in bedrooms. Etc.
I encouraged lots of hobbies too.

What's wrong with boxing? Seems to be exactly the kind of thing that you want him to be doing.......

I would strongly encourage it. You don't want him turning into a kid who only games, pretty much a bag of mayonnaise.

You aren’t wrong, but I’m amazed you know exactly how other people are parenting. Have they actually told you this directly or is it what the kids say? Because kids that age will say any old shite and it doesn’t make it true.

i heard neighbours child proclaiming loudly to my much younger DD about all the things he is allowed to do. All a work of fiction.

Yes, it's a difficult one. Unfortunately there are many parents who want an easier life and their kids out of the way so allow them to do whatever they like, thinking 'it won't happen to them'. This ends up as a problem for other parents who do have boundaries.

I think it's a case of compromise. You don't want them losing friends but you also want to keep them safe. So allow them some stuff but not others, and set time limits rather than stop them completely.