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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

For not sharing my gluten free cake?

330 replies

mypantsareonfire · 08/02/2026 12:16

Okay, so I know I’m not - being coeliac sucks at the best of times, and especially where cake is involved. But I’m a bit “wtf” over it.

My children had a “surprise” birthday party for me with PIL, SIL and BIL and their children, and my best friend and her two children. I don’t celebrate my birthday but they wanted to do it, and It was very sweet of them.

Dh bought birthday cakes - a gluten free one for me and two larger, generic supermarket cakes for everyone else. I mean they look pretty much the same, the GF one just has a bit more buttercream and sprinkles on - aside from the gf one being smaller, twice the bloody price and not as nice tasting.

Cake time and dh starts cutting up the “normal cakes” for all the guests and handing it out. SIL asks if she can have some of the other cake, dh says, no, that’s the GF one, I’m just about to put it away for (me) to have later. He then puts it away in a cupboard (it had already been put back in the box for cross contamination purposes). My children wanted to put my candles on the GF for me to blow out, that’s the only reason it was out.

They all have some cake - I don’t yet, cake crumbs and 9 children eating biscuits and pizza, it’s a cross contamination nightmare until we’ve cleaned it all up.

We are all in the other part of the house having fun. SIL brings more cake out of the kitchen for her 4 children (see where this is going), it was the gf cake, big chunks of it. She said her children said it looked nicer and she wanted some. only they don’t like it. Of course they don’t, who would, given the choice. I don’t say anything though, just clear it aside.

She had also plonked it on the the same cutting board the non gluten free cake was on and used the same knife, so the bit she said she’d “saved” for me isn’t safe to eat anyway.

We don’t live on Albert square, so no drama ensued. But BIL (dh brother) took her into the kitchen and she came out in a complete huff, sitting on her own and dramatically sniffing and dabbing at her eyes. MIL asked her if she was okay, she wouldn’t speak. I said, “hey, are you okay?” (I had no idea BIL had said anythings about cake at this point), and she just stared daggers at me and walked off.

BIL took me aside and apologised to me and said he’d asked her what possessed her, she’d said the children thought it looked nicer than they caked they were offered. I tell him it’s really not a big deal, it’s only cake, please don’t worry about it and just enjoy the party.

Everyone left, all happy, apart from SIL who walked past me like I was invisible (remember, haven’t said a thing to her about it, and remember, I don’t fucking care, I’m not 5!)

Dh said he would pop out to Tesco to get another cake, I say don’t worry, I’ll have some another day, it’s not a big deal. A couple of hours later, BIL turns up with a new cake, apologises again, I say thank you, I appreciate it, but you really didn’t have to do that. All sorted, right?

Nope. SIL has told PIL and her family that she was made to feel very unwelcome in my home and that she won’t be seeing us again and nor will the children. That’s all she said to PIL, who of course asked me what had happened, I told them and they were like, “you should have bloody pulled her up on it yourself at the time!” MIL said she has told SIL she’s being ridiculous and said to me that it will all blow over soon. Which I am sure it will do.

Now, for background, SIL has often rolled her eyes or made comments when we have family events as I bring my own food, or prefer to eat later. I don’t expect anyone to cater for me, or to have to think about cross contamination, and no one else minds at all, they never have done. Me having a different cake, which she thought looked nicer as it had more butter cream on (to hide the shit, dry cake), was probably her tipping point.

Poor BIL now caught in the middle of this absolute non issue that I couldn’t have given a monkeys about anyway!

Like I said, there was no drama. I didn’t say a thing, it was her own husband who noticed, pulled her up on it, and apologised to me. I honestly would have just left it. It’s just a cake and I’m not 5.

I’m just going to wait for it all to blow over, but it’s bloody annoying, right?

OP posts:
Miss1983 · 08/02/2026 14:58

Bravo to your brother for standing up for you and speaking to her without any prompt from you. You handled it well-she doesn't understand the seriousness of your condition and is an idiot. I'd love to see how she would cope if one of her children had a serious intolerance or allergy, seems like she is also an attention seeker. Keep it cordial and be thankful your family can call her out on such foolish behaviour and see what she is about

fyllnadspenna · 08/02/2026 14:57

mypantsareonfire · 08/02/2026 14:44

Yeah but that’s the mental part.

I could understand if I had said anything to her. Or if dh had. Neither of us said a thing. We just wanted to have a nice, stress free day.

It was her own husband who took her aside and asked what the hell she was thinking. To turn that into being made to feel unwelcome in our home is outrageous!

We both ignored it to not cause a scene or any upset.

Yes, logically you weren't at all to blame, but in her mind you were the root cause of her embarrassment over her husband's 'little talk' to her. It sounds like she already (bizarrely) resented you for your special dietary needs, and now she's angry that her husband spoke to her about it and went to the trouble of replacing your cake. It doesn't make sense, of course, but she probably still blames you for the results of her own strange behaviour.

lilacleopards · 08/02/2026 14:57

Absolutely not. I breastfeed my daughter who is anaphylactic to dairy, so I don’t eat any dairy products. Everyone knows I do not share my dairy free stuff! Get your own 🤣

bornintelligent · 08/02/2026 14:56

nothingtoseehereatall · 08/02/2026 14:47

My god she's awful. Wilfully risking the potential to make you really ill like that... it's awful!

I have a really good friend who is Coeliac. I like to host people so quite often have a bunch of folks around, including her. I always make the entire menu GF because that way she can have all the same options as everyone else without having to worry about it. Not saying that to blow my own trumpet, its just surely what you do for friends you love - and would do the same for family of course!

(Dove's Farm GF flour is great for baking, I don't think you can tell the difference! I think GF brownies I make are better than the 'normal' ones, something about the flour suits them perfectly. )

I agree . I baked an amazing sponge for my granddaughter birthday cake using Doves SR flour.

Getupat8amnow · 08/02/2026 14:53

I was very ill as soon as I was weaned. Within a couple of months I was diagnosed with Coeliac Disease. My mum was a master at making meals and puddings for me that were gluten free decades before Coeliac Disease was well known. I am in my fifties now. In those days my mum got lots of my GF food on prescription, that has stopped now. Many people think anyone GF is following a fad and dont understand just how ill I become if I inadvertently ingest gluten. Sometimes foods that were GF suddenly contain gluten. I always loved HP sauce when I had chips (homemade) until one teatime I had my meal and was soon very unwell from both ends. It turned out that HP sauce was no.longer GF asthe ingredients had been changed. This was decades ago now but I was so disappointed at the time.

My mum made excellent GF cakes. Buttercream icing and Juvella GF flour. Mygravy was always thickened with cornflour and made with a bovril cube as it is GF. Coeliac Disease is life long and can have very serious long term consequences if you dont stick to a GF diet completely.

nomas · 08/02/2026 14:52

mypantsareonfire · 08/02/2026 12:21

Yea he’s dh older brother. He’s lovely. He really shouldn’t have worried about it as much as he did.

How do nice people end up with such twats?!

mypantsareonfire · 08/02/2026 14:51

MrsLizzieDarcy · 08/02/2026 14:42

But lots of food is naturally gluten free. The grandkids love a joint of gammon or a whole roast chicken, salad, baked potatoes with cheese for their birthday meals. You could have had curry/chilli/casserole with rice. We rarely buy processed "GF" foods as they're generally horrid anyway. And try baking - it's a relevation, processed cakes are dry and horrid. Try this site: https://glutenfreecuppatea.co.uk/ I've never had a bad recipe and the cakes are brilliant.

You don't have to be the odd one out is what I'm clumsily trying to say.

Oh I know. I don’t actually eat anything processed.

But I take my own food because unless you are used to avoiding cross contamination, you don’t realise how easily it can happen.

My kitchen isn’t gluten free. My children eat normal bread, pasta, biscuits etc. But I know how to prepare my food safely in that environment, it’s second nature to me now (and dh), but other people wouldn’t think about the little things.

I went to a friends house for drinks and she had got me a gluten free pizza as a surprise, and got one for herself too so there wouldn’t be any contamination. But she cooked it on the pizza tray that she’d used to cook her children’s pizzas on just before. So I couldn’t eat it. She didn’t know and felt awful. I felt guilty that she’d spent money on GF pizza (expensive and you may as well eat the box!)

so it’s easier all round if I take my own food.

ETA - the party I had for my birthday - my kids did it all. It was a suprise. My 12 year old did all the party food. They knew I wouldn’t eat any, so they did it for themselves and friends/cosuins.

OP posts:
BernardButlersBra · 08/02/2026 14:51

Is she always such a dickhead?! Was she being deliberately spiteful? Or is she one of those PFB parents who gives everything to their children and fuck everyone else?

user2848502016 · 08/02/2026 14:51

Ok so someone who doesn’t really understand about coeliac might not have realised about cross contamination with the chopping board etc

But everything else she did is completely unreasonable! You don’t need to feel bad at all none of this is your fault

ItsNotMeEither · 08/02/2026 14:50

SIL is an idiot! BIL is a real GEM! Good for him, taking her aside, pulling her up and even buying another cake.

PIL seem on your team too!

This is totally on the SIL, she's only upset at being called out for her behaviour, not because she put your heath at risk.

Absolutely let her stew in her own juices. Don't you dare end up calling her to smooth things over. Let time work in your favour, if you don't see her for a while, so be it. Most likely it will blow over and she won't do it again (for a while).

If in three months she still isn't turning up to family events, make sure your BIL still attends and brings the kids.

GoldbergVariations · 08/02/2026 14:49

mypantsareonfire · 08/02/2026 13:52

Oh, she knows.

She has made many comments before. My parents in law love having everyone round for a Chinese takeaway every 6 weeks or so. I can’t eat that, so I bring my own food with me.

Everyone is fine with that, apart from SIL. She once told me it was very rude. I told her exactly what happens to me (it’s mainly horrendous brain fog like I’m living in treacle, my eyesight issues get worse for hours which is frightening, joint pain so intense I can’t walk for a couple of days, as well as the horrendous stomach issues).

MIL has told her to stop making comments before, that she doesn’t see it as rude at all, she would rather I was there with my own food that not at all - MIL just feels very guilty that I can’t eat like everyone else, she has no issue with me brining my own food, she just wishes I didn’t have to.

Coeliac here, living on a strict gf diet for 46 years so far.

OP I am incensed on your behalf.

One of the very worst aspects of this condition (and there are many!), is how very "othering" it is. No one who does not live with it can ever understand just how upsetting it is, always to have to be the one who has to sit things out, or causes difficulties with the catering, or so often be the unwitting subject of the conversation if new people are there. I have wept bitter tears about it over the years because it is just so unrelenting. You always have to be on your guard, and you never ever get a day off. It takes a great deal of fun out of what are relaxed and happy occasions for everyone else.

The one place you should be able to relax is among your longstanding family, and even more so in your own home. Even more so when you've put something away in the cupboard!!

The fact that this utter see you next Tuesday goes out of her way to bitch about it every time and make you feel uncomfortable is utterly appalling. You are an absolute hero to not rise to it.

I suspect your family will sort this out going forward, but if not I, a respectable middle class lady in my 60s, will happily take her down a back alley and instruct her in the error of her ways. Just say the word. 💕

KnowledgeableAvocado · 08/02/2026 14:49

OP. Sponge.co.uk do lots of very decent gf cake if you ever fancy one. Bit dear but they deliver next day if you order early enough in the day! Sorry your SIL is awful. 6 years is enough time to get used to someone having coeliac disease.

Isometimeswonder · 08/02/2026 14:47

She went into your cupboard?! That's CF territory itself.

nothingtoseehereatall · 08/02/2026 14:47

My god she's awful. Wilfully risking the potential to make you really ill like that... it's awful!

I have a really good friend who is Coeliac. I like to host people so quite often have a bunch of folks around, including her. I always make the entire menu GF because that way she can have all the same options as everyone else without having to worry about it. Not saying that to blow my own trumpet, its just surely what you do for friends you love - and would do the same for family of course!

(Dove's Farm GF flour is great for baking, I don't think you can tell the difference! I think GF brownies I make are better than the 'normal' ones, something about the flour suits them perfectly. )

Climbingrosexx · 08/02/2026 14:46

Well what a piece of work your SIL is and it looks like everyone around her including her DH sees it too. You do well to be so chilled out as you would have every right to be angry.

She sounds pretty miserable but she clearly brings it on herself. Her DH also sounds embarrassed by her.

While you are enjoying your day and not allowing it all to stress you out she can sit and wallow

Happyjoe · 08/02/2026 14:46

mypantsareonfire · 08/02/2026 13:01

Ah, the dreaded stock cube!!

When I was first diagnosed and dd was a baby, MIL wanted to make me a casserole. She’d gone to so much trouble scrubbing down her kitchen, making sure everything was ok. Then she popped in a stock cube, double checked and then saw it contained barley. She was gutted!

Your MIL is fab! At least most of your in-laws are grand.

My neighbour in my old house was coeliac, even her own mum didn't take her seriously. Lots of snide comments over the years. It came to a head on Xmas day when her mum just wouldn't shut up about her not eating a mince pie, so my neighbour ate one, ended up spending the rest of the evening in hospital, just to make a point once and for all. Her mum did take heed after that! It's insane what people refuse to believe.

mypantsareonfire · 08/02/2026 14:44

fyllnadspenna · 08/02/2026 14:37

She's an idiot, but fortunately your husband's brother is not, so even if nasty SIL tries to keep her children away as retribution for finally being pulled up on her strange behaviour, it sounds like he'll ensure his kids will still see the rest of the family. It's such a shame when our family or in-laws choose weirdos (or even just extremely irritating people) for partners or spouses.

Yeah but that’s the mental part.

I could understand if I had said anything to her. Or if dh had. Neither of us said a thing. We just wanted to have a nice, stress free day.

It was her own husband who took her aside and asked what the hell she was thinking. To turn that into being made to feel unwelcome in our home is outrageous!

We both ignored it to not cause a scene or any upset.

OP posts:
NewYearSameYou · 08/02/2026 14:44

Your SIL is a complete and utter cunt ... I actually hope she finds the thread and leaves all of you alone going forward. Your BIL deserves a much better person than she clearly is.

BreadInCaptivity · 08/02/2026 14:43

The surprising thing about this situation is that your BIL (who sounds lovely) is married to such an asshole.

From what you’ve posted OP, her behaviour at your birthday celebration was pretty true to form, so abhorrent but not a surprise or out of character.

Ignoring her was absolutely the right thing to do.

Besidemyselfwithworry · 08/02/2026 14:43

She sounds awful and mean and hey, if she doesn’t feel welcome in “your house”
And “won’t be coming”

so what? You don’t need the stress and nastiness x

MrsLizzieDarcy · 08/02/2026 14:42

But lots of food is naturally gluten free. The grandkids love a joint of gammon or a whole roast chicken, salad, baked potatoes with cheese for their birthday meals. You could have had curry/chilli/casserole with rice. We rarely buy processed "GF" foods as they're generally horrid anyway. And try baking - it's a relevation, processed cakes are dry and horrid. Try this site: https://glutenfreecuppatea.co.uk/ I've never had a bad recipe and the cakes are brilliant.

You don't have to be the odd one out is what I'm clumsily trying to say.

Theroadt · 08/02/2026 14:40

WonderingWanda · 08/02/2026 12:25

She is so utterly entitled and unreasonable it's laughable. I suspect, underlying this is some deep seated jealousy. She perceives you as getting special treatment that she is missing out on and is unable to get past this.

If you ever see her again please feed her the shittest, driest gluten free bread, cakes and biscuits you can find and state that you don't want anyone feeling left out so you're all having the same (It will be worth the expense just to piss her off a little bit more).

Yup that’s what I thought - jealousy

Solost92 · 08/02/2026 14:37

Even if you took the whole gluten thing out of it. It is so incredibly rude to go into someone else's kitchen and help yourself, without asking or offering anyone else, to someone else's cake. Especially a birthday cake. Especially when you've already been served some. So incredibly rude.

MayaPinion · 08/02/2026 14:37

Even if you didn’t have coeliac it’s outrageous that she went into your kitchen and shared out a cake she was expressly told not to touch - it’s beyond entitled and well into CF territory - incredibly bad mannered. The fact that it then meant you couldn’t eat any of your own birthday cake makes it 10 times worse. She sounds petty, jealous, and vindictive.

fyllnadspenna · 08/02/2026 14:37

She's an idiot, but fortunately your husband's brother is not, so even if nasty SIL tries to keep her children away as retribution for finally being pulled up on her strange behaviour, it sounds like he'll ensure his kids will still see the rest of the family. It's such a shame when our family or in-laws choose weirdos (or even just extremely irritating people) for partners or spouses.