To leave my husband because of his OCD?

OCD is an awful disease. There are medications and therapies that can help. Are his compulsion getting worse? Is there anything causing him increased anxiety? Try to get him to get help. Whilst there is no cure doctors can refer him for various therapies such as response prevention and cbt.

Seriously he sounds like an utter arsehole.

People with OCD do often seek to control their whole environment and everyone else in it (as well as themselves).
It is a debilitating condition for those with it and those they live with because of the often unreasonable levrls of control exerted by the sufferer on themselves and those around them.

OP - I didn't mean to be so hard on you. Having first hand experience of living with someone with OCD makes me somewhat irritated when the stereotype of excessive cleaning is used in the context of OCD as it automatically makes me think that they don't know what it really is. Ironically enough DS2 is actually really untidy despite his OCD - his compulsions are quite specific and he used to joke that it would have been easier if it was all about cleaning and tidying as at least there would have been an upside. If your DH does have OCD it is perfectly acceptable for you to ask him to get help and if he constantly refuses then that is not your problem. Although from the sounds of your texts my gut feel is that perhaps this is not OCD - it sounds like he is trying to control you in a somewhat abusive way. DS2 used to go to great lengths to try and hide his compulsions because he was so ashamed of them while your DH seems to using them as a way to control you. Also if he has gone as far as to declare he has OCD then usually this would be the tipping point that would make him agree to seek help, whereby it sounds like perhaps he is using it as an excuse to justify the way he treat you. Do you still love him? Are there any elements of him that you still love and want to be with? If this answers to these questions are no, then you probably have your answer.

"... trying to get him help. I have asked and he has refused. He says it’s more a me problem than a problem with him."

OP to me this is the key bit. If he was willing to go to the GP and access therapy (as a PPs husband) and maybe medication then he's acknowledging he (and you) are struggling and trying to change it. It's still tough but there's hop it'll improve. But to think it's a you problem is very unreasonable. He has to help the situation, you won't be able to sort it. The more you change to accomodate his anxiety, the more and more he (his anxiety) will ask of you. As someone who's had anxiety, it grows and tries to shrink your world more and more if you don't fight it. Until your husband accepts he needs help you're in a downward spiral. I think you have to look after your own MH and wellbeing. It's absolutely ok to walk away.

@Additupobviously I know that ocd is about control but as other posters have pointed out it’s accompanied by intrusive debilitating thoughts.
op has described someone controlling her not himself.

I think op that it's fine to struggle with something like this, many people do. But once it starts to hurt you or others around you then you have to take accountability for yourself and get help.

So in that respect I would leave if he continues not to get any help. His behaviour may be as a result of the ocd but it's also controlling and borderline abusive and you don't want to live like this or if you have kids have them growing up thinking this is normal.

The fact you're on egg shells worried about meeting his standards is no way to live. So I would give him an ultimatum and either he starts meaningfully engaging with help or you leave.

There was another recent thread about OCD. One poster described how her children had to have showers and change all their clothes every time they came home from school.

Fingerprints or marks on windows REALLY annoys me. It’s not hard to turn the hot fans on for a bit to clear the glass!

The rest of it sounds really hard to live with though.

OCD is ALL about control!!!!

If you love your dh and see a future with him you need to very much encourage him to get professional help. If you can't see a future with him then leave and it might spur him on to get help.

Either way he needs professional help ASAP for everyone's sake.

Has he always been this way or did something seem to trigger it? How is he with food?

OCD very much can be going OTT with housework. Its not normal to insist on shoe covers before getting into a car for eg.
No way to live OP and unless he gets help personally I would leave.

@Notacleaningfairy thank you for starting this thread. I’ve considered it many times myself.

My DH is diagnosed OCD and it is fucking exhausting to live with. I will never ever meet his standards. Never.
I love him dearly and part of him loving me is knowing that he has to find a way of coping with me hanging the laundry facing the wrong way or putting stuff away in the wrong order. His therapist asked him to show me his long long list of OCD triggers and responses. It was shocking! It must be horrendous to have those thoughts all the time. However, sometimes I long for someone to understand what it’s like being NT living with a spouse who is ND. We’re expected to be supportive all the time and I wish there was a bit of support for us!

Well, there’s a whole middle ground between a ‘neat freak’ and a total slob. It isn’t one or the other.

I don't think the OP is equating OCD with being a "neat freak." She's describing someone whose need to control his environment is so extensive that he's placing unreasonable restrictions on her behaviour e.g saying she can't cook in her own house, changing shoes before she drives her car. It's got to the stage where he's a critical voice in her head.

OP, you should not have to live like this. I'm not sure if you have DC, but if you do, living in a house like this will damage them. Your partner is controlling. What would happen if you said you wanted to cook? Or ignored his messages about spills? If he won't admit he has a problem then yes, I think you need to leave.

Are you considering leaving though? It never really sounds like people are in these posts. Leaving is totally different to having a rant.

people saying you need to get help are being a little naive- many, many people who have “help” continue to live large parts of their life or sometimes their whole life with OCD. There isn’t medication you take that just stops it.

living with a spouse with mental illness can be exhausting and breed resentment. If you are genuinely thinking of separating, then I would start the process. You don’t need permission

Do you vacuum 3 times daily? Do you not allow anyone else to cook because they make too much mess etc? It’s not just a matter of dirty car mats or fingerprints on a car window that seems to be the problem here.

It doesn't matter whether or not there is a diagnosis, this is absolutely no way to live for OP. If DH isn't willing to compromise and change his god-awful attitude there is no future. The fact he sees it as an OP problem and not his own means there is no fixing this. Under no circumstances have children with this man OP, he simply will not cope with them and they don't deserve this misery too.

Please read my earlier post about OCPD @Notacleaningfairy . He has no insight at all into his issues and no interest in gaining any. He won't change. I could not live like this and nor should you.

Yanbu to want to leave him.
What an utterly miserable existence for you.
Don't inflict him on children.
That would be a genuinely awful thing to do.

Does he show any concern for you? Does he apologise for these requests?

He's coming across as very controlling.

If someone close to you has a serious illness, be in physical or mental, it can have a very detrimental effect on close family members. I am not denying that - and if the OPs husband does indeed have OCD then he will be very difficult to live with. My DS2 has (clinically diagnose) OCD and believe me, it has not been easy on any member of the family but it would never cross any of our minds to abandon him. He too did not want to seek help initially - in fact he was in complete denial. The external behaviours he was exhibiting (in his case control over food as well as cleanliness) while very irritating were nothing compared to the mental anguish that was going on in his head. So actually I find the OPs post troubling because this is her DH who she promised to love in sickness and in health and she wants to leave because things have become tough because of an illness that he hasn't asked to have. This country is in the midst of a mental health crisis and external help is actually very difficult to come by and if you can't rely on your family to stick by you, I find that quite depressing. Now if the OPs DH doesn't actually have OCD (and none of us knows if he does) and he just has behavioural characteristics that are both irritating and borderline abusive and the OP is not happy in the relationship then she has every right to leave and no one. I was just pointing out that if you love someone then you are usually able to look fast irritating characteristics. I know lots of people who are "neat freaks" but don't have OCD.

How does he react if you don't go along with his requests?

Is he apologetic about his demands and their effect on your life?

I think my decision to stay or not would depend on the answer to those questions.

I've been in a relationship where I've had to walk on eggshells to get things right - I left when I realised how much anxiety it was causing me.

You don't have to be diagnosed to have an illness that impacts your life and that of those around you.

OP wouldn't have posted if this was just about someone who vacuumed a lot and liked a tidy house, and it's a bit insensitive to say "ooh, I'd love a man like that" when she's clearly struggling.

No, just one who "vacuumed the house twice a day and made sure that there was no clutter lying around everywhere".

The OP's DH has no diagnosed illness, by the way.