To leave my husband because of his OCD?

You are misreading my post if you think it is either entirely directed at the OP or that I am telling her to stay with him.
As I have written, it depends on the situation.

Guessing you didnt read the OP updates about making lists for her while he was away, refusing to acknowledge he has a problem, its her problem to deal with.

Sounds more like coercive control that he is tagging as OCD so it has more impact and makes OP less likely to challenge.

It depends on how much you love him and what’s most important to you.

I do think though that a lot of mn posts about leaving spouses with illness or disability shows how far we have come from “in sickness and in health”.

Personally, I would not (and did not) leave someone I love because of something they have limited control over.

If they were being a nasty git about it and refusing to acknowledge the problem it would be another scenario altogether but if the person is doing their best then I would stick with them because that’s the deal.
Rough with the smooth.

He does not have a diagnosis of OCD. He has not sought one or tried to get help. All I can see is a coercively controlling man.

What are the obsessional thoughts that he is attempting to neutralise? That is the core of OCD. If you don’t have obsessional thoughts you don’t have OCD.

Even if he does have it you accommodating his behaviour is entrenching it and making it worse. It is not kind in the long term to facilitate someone’s OCD rituals or reassurance seeking as you are only making it worse

I would tell him that I refuse to live like this any longer and that if he wants my sympathy and accommodations for his abnormal behaviour then he needs to get a diagnosis and medication and start therapy and that I will only clean to my own standards from now on.

Who knows what is wrong with him, but I would not live like that.

Which is all well and good until you live in fear of making a mess , being criticised for wearing the wrong shoes in the car and being constantly told that your own cleaning isn't up to scratch.

Work colleagues’ husband is like this. They came home from holiday and the first thing he did was clean the worktops in the kitchen and told her as if to say that was one less thing she had to do. She has to put her gym bag in the boot of the car in case it scratches the fabric seat covers. They have a summer holiday home and he turns off the water every week. When their grandaughter comes every week her toys are all taken out of the loft and when she leaves have to go back again.
He has been referred and attends a local hospital and told the doctor in front of his wife that she needed to change to be like him and so that everything was fine and the doctor told him that “no he was the one who needed to change”.

'YAWN'! This isn't about you and what you want or like and where does it says the op is a slob? Also don't know where ist suggests the op is looking for an excuse to leave.

I'm getting fed up of the posters on here who just view posts in their own way - a totally screwed up version and use it to put down the op.

Op like most others have said it is not unreasonable for you to want to leave. He is controlling - whether he means to be or not. Either way, you shouldn't have to be putting up with him.

Most of my questions were for her not for her to ask her husband.

Behaviours rarely happen in a vacuum and if she's questioning whether she wants to stay as it is now it doesn't hurt to look back to see how you got there. If I said to my partner, for the last 6 months since you started this new job you have been on edge and more rigid in your thinking. I feel I can't meet your standards, talk to me what is going on? And he comes back with an explanation about how he doesn't like the job and the bureaucracy and an apology and we can come up with a route forward as a couple I would take that over leaving and finding out there was something that could easily be changed.

Whether it's OCD, depression, anxiety, whatever is not the problem it's a symptom. The focus on the behaviours isn't going to get you very far. To him it is a completely reasonable request not doing it makes him very stressed. Having to do it is making her very stressed. It's a stalemate. I'm just saying take a step back, move away from the behaviours away from the labels and have a conversation. If at the end of the conversation you are still at a stalemate walk away. If there's a revelation and he wants to go and work on that, it's a different decision. My partner and I have been together more than half our lives, it's often not been easy we have had to have frank and honest conversations. It's only then we can come up with solutions that find balance with life and our mental and emotional health

Why not just fail to do any of the things he requires and then he'll end up leaving?

Sometimes when he works away for a few nights he will text me asking me to please make sure everything is done for him coming home and has also sent a list in the past, I almost left then.

That is the kind of event that would make me sit him down for a serious talk about getting help, or it will be relationship ending.

Are you young? Do you want children? I wouldn't have children with someone who would restrict their activities hugely. He wouldn't be able to cope with toddler hood, for instance.

If he says it more a you problem than a him problem, you could just stop doing all the things he asks you to. Live just as you want to live and when he tells you you need to change or do something his way, just say "No. that's a you problem, not a me problem."

But that would probably be a pretty miserable life, so leaving is better. You could stop pandering to him while you get you prep to leave, though.

As others have said, the level of control is abusive, his disability doesn't make okay. And his lack of willingness to address his disability means you don't have any hope if you stay with him.

Tomorrow, OP, call up some solicitors and get some intro meetings to find one you like. See where you stand with divorce. Work out your budget and, assuming you don't have children who aren't adults, start looking for other places to live. If you have children work out if you're likely to be able to keep the home or how that transition might look. It is particularly important to leave if you have children - untreated mental health problems in adults in the home are very damaging to children's lives. See if you will qualify for any benefits. Start talking to family and friends you can trust about what your going through and what you're planning. Start thinking about what your life can be like when you get out from under this abuse.

Is it actually OCD though or is he just anal about cleanliness? Just because you don’t mention the reasons behind the cleanliness. My son has OCD, his symptoms started at 6 and he was officially diagnosed at 8, he’s now in his teens.
It is debilitating, my son rituals are done because he believes if he doesn’t do them, he or someone he loves will get cancer, die a horrific death, the house will burn down etc etc he won’t touch certain things or people and he washes his hands and body until his skin bleeds.
OCD is all consuming, repetitive thinking and behaviours that the sufferer believes will prevent things happening.

Being super clean isn’t OCD and just a stereotype of what people believe OCD to be.

Yanbu. I have my own mental health issues. Not like your husband, but I have to take responsibility for those so it doesn’t have to have a negative effect on those around me. Or at least minimise it as much as I can.

Your husband’s issues are having a negative effect on you and his marriage to you. He needs to find ways to help him deal with his (possible/probable) OCD.

There’s a whole world of difference between a child with a mental illness and a partner. The relationship is very different. Have you ever seen a parent divorce their child?

OK something to consider: that's it's not OCD, it's about control, or it's anxiety. Especially in light of you getting messages when you're at work and while you're away.

OCD is more about compulsions, rituals and intrusive thoughts. He'd want to clean because something in his head makes him feel very uneasy, and he's using the behaviour to 'deal' with them. E.g. an intrusive thought/feeling is telling him that everything needs to be 'perfect', and he might feel uneasy/doom/like something is going to go horribly wrong if there isn't perfection.

With anxiety, I think that is more about something else being an issue (a worry about health, a job, something out of his control) and the cleaning is a way to distract/get through the day. Perhaps he feels everything hinges on the house being clean and tidy, like a worry that he won't have time to sort it all, or that the whole day or his week will be derailed if the house is a mess. Like it's a house of cards and it's all about to tumble because one cup is out of place.

With both, a fear of germs and a need to clean to stop germs from infecting you/your house is also possible.

Control is the big one I'd consider here. Even if only to rule it out. That he is weaponising cleaning to undermine you, to spoil a work trip for you, to make you feel bad. To get you to remember who is boss, and get you to sing to his hymn sheet. Perhaps as a way "in" to message you, so he can check you are where you say you are.

That's just my understanding - so take all that with a pinch of salt. But maybe you're thinking he can't help it, it's OCD, and it's not. It might change your perspective a bit.

YABU to assume that somebody who is obsessive about cleaning has OCD. It’s a lot more complex than that and is an incredibly debilitating and distressing condition to have.

If he really has OCD then he needs a professional assessment to be properly diagnosed so he can access treatment and YWBU to leave him without even trying to help with this.

If it isn’t OCD then he should get some help to understand what is driving the behaviour.

I think you're being extremely unfair.

First, yes you're right that if it is OCD then it is a serious mental health condition and of course people deserve compassion for this. However, that compassion does naturally reduce over time for a person who refuses to seek help despite being told by their life partner (who they are supposed to love and respect) that they think something is wrong. I work with people with serious mental health challenges (including chronic OCD) in a professional capacity and have experienced some (admittedly less severe) difficulties of my own, so I have a lot of empathy for how shit it can be. Yet I've also seen plenty of people whose lives are made a misery by the mental health problems of their partners and family members to an extent whereby I can't blame them for stepping away from the relationship. For example some people have such severe anxiety that they think their partner will die whenever they leave the house without them, or that they themselves will die if left alone. Should their partners be obliged to stay home with them 24:7? I think not.

Secondly, if being a clean freak is 'just a preference', you seem to be completely invalidating the feelings of the OP just because they don't match what you imagine your own would be in her shoes. It is difficult to live with a partner who has very different preferences and expectations to your own. It is even more difficult when they refuse to compromise with you or to accept your perspective as valid - as seems to be the case for the OP's husband from her description. Also I'm sorry but hoovering 2 or 3 times A DAY? Contacting her when she's at work to interrogate her about a spill? Providing her with a list of instructions / requirements for housework when he is the one who is away? This sounds pretty horrible to me. I wouldn't be able to cope with it and it makes me angry to think that anyone else has to deal with this!

Finally: yes I know OCD is a specific condition that people shouldn't align themselves or others with casually, but it's also true that diagnostic criteria have a degree of subjectivity and that a lot of problems exist on a continuum of severity. It therefore isn't a binary choice between 'the OP's DH has a condition and needs sympathy' and 'The OP's DH has a preference'. And people facing mental health challenges can be controlling dickheads as much as anyone else.

@Superscientist why is it that it’s the OP’s responsibility to talk to him, find his triggers, what has changed etc…?
When the OP has told him it’s stressing her out, he is refusing to even think about assessment despite the impact in her.
Where is his respect and care towards her? Where is he taking responsibility for their relationship together?

Assuming the OP talking to him etc… works, the responsibility of making that relationship working will fully rest on her shoulders, on her constantly checking if things are ok for him. And with him not taking responsibility fir his issue (that he says is all hers anyway). That's not a way to live

How long has it been like this? A person doesn't wake up one day and insist on this level of compliance. When did it go from "I like things neat, clean and tidy" to I need my environment to look like this and you must comply too.

My partner and MIL both get anxious if there is "mess" my in-laws house is almost uncomfortably tidy for me coming from a very disordered house. I can give you a fairly accurate score of out 10 for how stressed he's feeling based on how he irked he gets from things being out of place. I check in with him and talk about what's going on.

Things out don't bother me but when I'm struggling with my mental health I get a compulsion to creat order out of the cupboards. My brain feels messy and I can't order it so I find things I can order ... Which does then drive my partner up the wall as the process tends to create quite a bit of mess!

You need to sit down and discuss reasonable requests on both parts. Shoe covers are possibly a step too far but changing shoes if you have walked somewhere particularly dirty is not. When my daughters nursery had a temporary car park we would take her shoes off as otherwise the seats were a mess. We are fairly rural and do a lot of walking I always take two sets of shoes in my in-laws car "clean" shoes to be worn in the car and my walking shoes that stay in the boot.

You are a bit of a frog in a slowly simmering pan of water that you have just realised has reached rapid boil. I would talk about the triggers, what changed to cause this level of control, is there a way forward. If he is willing to engage with the conversation I'd stay. If you meet a brick wall "this is how I am, live with it" well you don't have too, some times a person has to come to their own decision that something has to change you can't change it for them.

Also that sounds more and more like control rather OCD.

The fact he refused to be assessed and is telling you it’s all your fault is telling imo.
Like the so called spill in the kitchen that doesn’t exist - gaslighting?? Otherwise, he really needs help. It’s not just repeated rituals, it’s see things that don’t exist too.

OCD like any other syndrome/illness like that is a reason.
Its not an excuse.
It does NOT, and never will, mean that the partner HAS TO accommodate them to their level whatever the level is.
It is totally ok to ask someone with OCD to take their partner needs into account (like not wanting to live on eggshell, constantly worried that something is going to set them off).

@Notacleaningfairy it’s totally ok to ask him to 1- be assessed and 2- be open to a discusdion on what’s going to acceptable to both of you and what isn’t.

Eg the shoe cover in the car is bonkers, especially if he is driving. Theyre slippery agd are actually dangerous to wear whikst driving. If he is asking you to do that it isn’t doing it himself, then the answer is No.
If he is refusing to communicate with you, to find solutions together or to be assessed and supported/treated, then yes I would considered separation.
The reason is that, wo any of that, you’re going to run yourself ragged tryimg to meet some never ending varying standard of cleanliness (like again the shoes in the car is bonkers- shoes are ok until suddenly theyre not)

It sounds like an absolute nightmare. If you want to give him a chance, tell him that he must compromise and get help for his unreasonable expectations regarding cleaning (whether OCD or not). If he doesn't want to do anything to keep the relationship you have your answer. If he does make some changes but you are still walking on eggshells, you are free to leave at any time.

Let him do it.
You put your feet up.
You never use you hand/fingers to clean the inside of a car window surely? It leaves horrible marks. Use a cloth.
IF it is filthy mud in the car then fair enough. If it’s just usual town dirt then not necessary.

Sometimes when he works away for a few nights he will text me asking me to please make sure everything is done for him coming home and has also sent a list in the past, I almost left then.

This sounds more like control. How dare he send a list for you to complete, fair enough if he came home and completed the things on the list himself but it’s outrageous he expected you to do it like some sort of little woman.

My closest friend had OCD after her first child was born and it was hell for her. She had set routines to follow before she left the house and rituals to do when she came back home, nothing was ever clean enough for her at the time. She’s better now, had loads of CBT and it was a struggle for her to get where is today. OCD is probably different for everyone but your DH needs help of he’s trying to control everyone around him by sending lists.