To leave my husband because of his OCD?

Notacleaningfairy · 2026-02-08T11:23:50+00:00

He is not diagnosed OCD but has admitted he “probably” has it and I completely agree. I’ve just been asked if I can start wearing shoe covers in the car as the mats get too muddy. If I don’t want to wear shoe covers then I must have another pair of trainers to change into before I get into the car. We drive a ford, not a Lamborghini. I don’t want to give off the impression that I don’t clean because I absolutely do but it’s not to his standard and it never will be. He will vacuum twice a day when he’s working and 3 times a day if he’s off. He does all the cooking because I make too much of a mess when I do. He can’t have anything sitting on any units, everything must be put away or hidden. There is so much more I could write but I won’t bore you all. I’m finding it so hard. I am constantly worrying the house isn’t clean enough for him. The other week when I was driving my window steamed up a little so I brushed it with my hand and instantly regretted it because I knew he would be annoyed. One day he will admit he has a problem and will apologise if he’s asking too much and the next day he will tell me there is nothing wrong with wanting things clean and that he “doesn’t ask for much” help

Dexy7655 · 13/02/2026 16:15

Yeah , he's not interested in your point of view and sees no need to change - so it's unlikely that he will.

Living with him sounds like hell to me - you must constantly be on eggshells. And apparently he is happy for you to feel that way. Not very nice, is it?

Clarabell77 · 13/02/2026 13:56

bigboykitty · 13/02/2026 11:20

This is terrible advice. Please do not show him the thread @Notacleaningfairy . I'm concerned that if you do that, his abusive behaviour may escalate. This man is not in any kind of mental health crisis at the moment. He either has a personality disorder or is a controlling abuser - or both. He can only be helped if he acknowledges his own problems and makes his own decision to seek help. He is nowhere near to doing this. OP is not responsible for him and should not try to pressure or force him towards help. Please drop the 'he is very ill' spiel. A person like this, in total denial, will cause untold misery to their loved ones with total disregard for anyone else's wellbeing. You do not need to explain this to him OP and he will never agree with you that he has a problem. You simply have to decide how much longer you want to tolerate this.

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THIS!! 100%

WalkDontWalk · 13/02/2026 13:51

tabbycat897 · 08/02/2026 11:52

OP do you actually know what OCD is? It's a debilitating mental health conditions where the compulsive behaviours (i.e. cleaning) are a way of trying to manage the obsessive/intrusive thoughts. It's not just a case of someone being a bit of a neat freak. If he DOES have OCD then you getting pissed off at his behaviour shows a complete lack of support and compassion. if he's just a neat freak then I am not sure what your issue is either. I would love it if my DH loved cleaning and it certainly wouldn't irritate me - I would be more irritated to live with a total slob that I had to clean up after. It sounds like you don't actually like him very much and you are looking for an excuse to leave.

...he hoovers three times a day. It doesn't matter what you call that, it's a problem.

TakeALookAtTheseSwatches · 13/02/2026 13:40

YANBU, and I say that as someone with OCD. I apologise to my DH all the time if my compulsions have affected him because I would never want him to feel the way you do. I will compulsively ask stuff like "did you wash your hands after you touched that?" "Did you definitely cook the chicken for long enough?" I try my best not to buy my mind will not let me rationalise it without getting the confirmation.

I also don't do it in a way where I'm saying there's something wrong with him for not doing things my way. I am well aware that washing your hands 5 times just to make a piece of toast is abnormal and not at all necessary and I'd never expect anyone else to do it.

However, there are some things that I consider to be common sense that he will then try and blame on my OCD such as not cleaning shoes in the kitchen sink for example, I feel like plenty of people without OCD wouldn't be happy with that.

Timetoheal4good · 13/02/2026 13:24

tabbycat897 · 08/02/2026 11:52

OP do you actually know what OCD is? It's a debilitating mental health conditions where the compulsive behaviours (i.e. cleaning) are a way of trying to manage the obsessive/intrusive thoughts. It's not just a case of someone being a bit of a neat freak. If he DOES have OCD then you getting pissed off at his behaviour shows a complete lack of support and compassion. if he's just a neat freak then I am not sure what your issue is either. I would love it if my DH loved cleaning and it certainly wouldn't irritate me - I would be more irritated to live with a total slob that I had to clean up after. It sounds like you don't actually like him very much and you are looking for an excuse to leave.

This is utterly ridiculous and not kind either by the way.

TheQueenOfTheNight · 13/02/2026 13:20

bigboykitty · 13/02/2026 11:20

This is terrible advice. Please do not show him the thread @Notacleaningfairy . I'm concerned that if you do that, his abusive behaviour may escalate. This man is not in any kind of mental health crisis at the moment. He either has a personality disorder or is a controlling abuser - or both. He can only be helped if he acknowledges his own problems and makes his own decision to seek help. He is nowhere near to doing this. OP is not responsible for him and should not try to pressure or force him towards help. Please drop the 'he is very ill' spiel. A person like this, in total denial, will cause untold misery to their loved ones with total disregard for anyone else's wellbeing. You do not need to explain this to him OP and he will never agree with you that he has a problem. You simply have to decide how much longer you want to tolerate this.

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Absolutely- you know that you can't control this, and he's making it clear that you have no influence either. He's going to break your self-esteem. You're a frog in a warm pot of water. Time to save yourself.

This is about control. The more you try to placate him, the more he'll push you further. You have to stop. If he doesn't like the things you're doing, so what? He doesn't get to dictate how you live. Take back your autonomy from this dictator.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 13/02/2026 13:05

My Mum was exactly like this and she everyone to live up to her exacting standards. My Dad wasn’t even allowed a wallet when out on his own because she was paranoid he would lose it. I think YNBU; this is not about someone who enjoys vacuuming it’s about control.

Aluna · 13/02/2026 11:34

Notacleaningfairy · 13/02/2026 10:27

Thank you for all the messages, I’ve read through every one of them.

I tried to have a chat with him last night. I asked him if he will please seek help. He told me I’m the one that needs help and that I’m lucky he does so much and the house would fall to pieces without him doing everything. He doesn’t do everything though that’s the thing. If it wasn’t for me he wouldn’t have clean clothes to wear everyday, he would have no food in the house, etc etc

Whether this turns out to be coercive control or OCD or a combination - he has flagged loud and clear that he believes there is nothing wrong with him, that he doesn’t want or need treatment, and you’re the one with the problem.

So - you either accept things will not change - or you end the relationship.

bigboykitty · 13/02/2026 11:20

Swiftie1878 · 13/02/2026 10:47

I’m afraid he is very ill and needs to seek help urgently. He is going to break himself mentally if allowed to continue with his obsessive behaviour, as well as breaking your spirit and ruining a marriage.

Somehow you need to persuade him to see a doctor. Showing him this thread may help? I don’t know his character, so am unsure.

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This is terrible advice. Please do not show him the thread @Notacleaningfairy . I'm concerned that if you do that, his abusive behaviour may escalate. This man is not in any kind of mental health crisis at the moment. He either has a personality disorder or is a controlling abuser - or both. He can only be helped if he acknowledges his own problems and makes his own decision to seek help. He is nowhere near to doing this. OP is not responsible for him and should not try to pressure or force him towards help. Please drop the 'he is very ill' spiel. A person like this, in total denial, will cause untold misery to their loved ones with total disregard for anyone else's wellbeing. You do not need to explain this to him OP and he will never agree with you that he has a problem. You simply have to decide how much longer you want to tolerate this.

Swiftie1878 · 13/02/2026 10:47

Notacleaningfairy · 13/02/2026 10:27

Thank you for all the messages, I’ve read through every one of them.

I tried to have a chat with him last night. I asked him if he will please seek help. He told me I’m the one that needs help and that I’m lucky he does so much and the house would fall to pieces without him doing everything. He doesn’t do everything though that’s the thing. If it wasn’t for me he wouldn’t have clean clothes to wear everyday, he would have no food in the house, etc etc

I’m afraid he is very ill and needs to seek help urgently. He is going to break himself mentally if allowed to continue with his obsessive behaviour, as well as breaking your spirit and ruining a marriage.

Somehow you need to persuade him to see a doctor. Showing him this thread may help? I don’t know his character, so am unsure.

bigboykitty · 13/02/2026 10:46

That is your answer. He doesn't have a problem. So he's telling you to put up or shut up. Do you want to put up with his behaviour and the way he treats you?

xmaskitkat1967 · 13/02/2026 10:45

TofuTuesday · 08/02/2026 11:51

Is this ocd? I have lots of (unfortunately) experience with ocd and house cleaning is a stereotype but maybe it’s worth getting a proper assessment of what’s going on. This sounds extremely controlling but unless there’s more may not be ocd.

I agree. My daughter has diagnosed OCD and has none of these traits. This is a common idea about OCD but not actually true.

BlackCatDiscoClub · 13/02/2026 10:36

Can you explain to him that he makes home life unlivable and anxious? He may love this life, but you dont, and if he cannot compromise then you cannot live with him anymore.

MidWayThruJanuary · 13/02/2026 10:32

That leaves you with a very difficult decision to make @Notacleaningfairy

Original poster

Notacleaningfairy · 13/02/2026 10:27

Thank you for all the messages, I’ve read through every one of them.

I tried to have a chat with him last night. I asked him if he will please seek help. He told me I’m the one that needs help and that I’m lucky he does so much and the house would fall to pieces without him doing everything. He doesn’t do everything though that’s the thing. If it wasn’t for me he wouldn’t have clean clothes to wear everyday, he would have no food in the house, etc etc

OP posts:

BlackCatDiscoClub · 09/02/2026 17:09

I worry about conflating this behaviour with OCD. Does his panic spiral on the days when he can only hoover twice as opposed to three times? Does he have an seemingly purposeless habits such as needing to count and recount things, having to chrck rooms multiple times before he can leave them, or needing to perform rituals to reduce anxiety or keep things 'safe'. Is there meaning behind the number of times he hoovers, i.e. is three times the magic number for it to feel clean to him?

blueberrylady · 09/02/2026 17:02

YWBU for leaving him because of his OCD, YWNBU for leaving him for refusing to acknowledge that he has an illness and to get treatment. I have previously had quite serious OCD, though a different type than you describe, and know it was very difficult for my DW during flare ups, though she was always very supportive. However, I was desperate to recover and after being able to access therapy and medication it is now very well controlled and rarely causes us any significant issues. I know how difficult it can be to deal with, but he has to want to get better if he doesn’t want it to destroy his health and relationships, and if he doesn’t you are completely reasonable to not want to continue to support him when he won’t support himself.

bigboykitty · 09/02/2026 16:54

StellaAndCrow · 09/02/2026 16:21

It would be untypical, or at least surprising, for OCD to involve making a list for someone else to follow!

It's actually not atypical at all, but the way he is going about it is possibly more suggestive of obsessive compulsive personality disorder or simply highly controlling behaviour.

OhCobblers · 09/02/2026 16:34

Notacleaningfairy · 08/02/2026 13:11

I don’t want anyone to think I would consider leaving my husband without trying to get him help. I have asked and he has refused. He says it’s more a me problem than a problem with him.

Yesterday I received a text while at work asking if I had spilled something in the kitchen before I left, I replied no, and he replied well you must have I’ve just cleaned it up.

Sometimes when he works away for a few nights he will text me asking me to please make sure everything is done for him coming home and has also sent a list in the past, I almost left then.

Not a chance i would stay and live the rest of my life like this. There is no consideration here for you at all from him. Screw that. Go and live your best life OP. Best of luck

StellaAndCrow · 09/02/2026 16:21

It would be untypical, or at least surprising, for OCD to involve making a list for someone else to follow!

Aluna · 09/02/2026 16:08

Shrinkhole · 09/02/2026 08:20

He does not have a diagnosis of OCD. He has not sought one or tried to get help. All I can see is a coercively controlling man.

What are the obsessional thoughts that he is attempting to neutralise? That is the core of OCD. If you don’t have obsessional thoughts you don’t have OCD.

Even if he does have it you accommodating his behaviour is entrenching it and making it worse. It is not kind in the long term to facilitate someone’s OCD rituals or reassurance seeking as you are only making it worse

I would tell him that I refuse to live like this any longer and that if he wants my sympathy and accommodations for his abnormal behaviour then he needs to get a diagnosis and medication and start therapy and that I will only clean to my own standards from now on.

Yes, exactly.

Aluna · 09/02/2026 16:07

TruJay · 08/02/2026 17:28

Is it actually OCD though or is he just anal about cleanliness? Just because you don’t mention the reasons behind the cleanliness. My son has OCD, his symptoms started at 6 and he was officially diagnosed at 8, he’s now in his teens.
It is debilitating, my son rituals are done because he believes if he doesn’t do them, he or someone he loves will get cancer, die a horrific death, the house will burn down etc etc he won’t touch certain things or people and he washes his hands and body until his skin bleeds.
OCD is all consuming, repetitive thinking and behaviours that the sufferer believes will prevent things happening.

Being super clean isn’t OCD and just a stereotype of what people believe OCD to be.

I agree it’s by no means clear that this is OCD.

The obsessive part of OCD covers recurrent, intrusive thoughts/urges perceived as unwanted/ distressing. The compulsive part occurs when the person tries to suppress or manage these thoughts with repetitive behaviour (eg washing, checking, arranging) or repetitive thoughts (eg counting, searching, praying) obsessively and rigidly.

One of the key symptoms is anxiety - the behaviours are to manage anxiety and distress.

Is DH anxious, distressed with obsessive thoughts triggering compulsive, repetitive behaviour that is time consuming and impacts his life?

If not - he may just be controlling, preoccupied with a clean, tidy environment on his terms. Once he starts controlling people - partner and children - that’s coercive control.

Either would be difficult to live with and it’s ok to decide you can’t cope whatever the cause. Both are difficult to treat - so long term prognosis is not great.

averythinline · 09/02/2026 13:42

Honestly thats ridiculous... No nit a way to livev... Your instinct with the list is correct.... Imagine never receiving those texts again... I could feel your shoulders drop from here
Thats abusive not supportive.. please set yourself free..

ThatBlackCat · 09/02/2026 12:09

He's really very very sick. You NEED to give him one last ultimatum. Tell him he is very sick and needs help, and you are giving him one week to arrange it or you will be filing for divorce and tell him this time you mean it.

What do his parents/family think?

NoTouch · 09/02/2026 10:22

I could not live like this.

Has he always been like this or is it something that has progressively worsened?

I would discuss with him why he does it, he needs to recognise it is not normal behaviour, it is either OCD or coercive and understand the impact on you and that you cannot be expected to tolerate it. Do not let your own perception of normal change or be eroded. If he can’t understand and won’t attempt professional help I would leave.

If you don’t have kids yet do not consider any until this is resolved, if you do, you need to quickly protect them from this damaging level of control.