My ds keep shaming me

Last April I had had enough with my kids behaviour. One has ASD and the other is just a diva. My son with ASD is well aware of what's acceptable and isn't but he was making bad choices, same as my daughter (they were 6 and 7 as t the time). They got home from school to an empty bedroom, I just left their beds and wardrobes and desk / books. Lots of tears and screaming but they've been far better behaved since. Now they know if I threaten something and they carry on, I will do it. I also sold their tablets.

Yeah, exactly this. ^

Has DH got your back? When DS started to push his luck, same sort of age DH was scorched earth with him and backed me up, he also said to me that I had to be firm, and that DS was going to end up a lot bigger than me ( he is!) and we had to make sure he was respectful as a child as what would we do if he was older and uncontrollable. So DH always backed me up, and was always firm in his parenting, but I had to be too.
we did ask, tell, do, always follow through with consequences, and honestly kids are a lot happier with clear boundaries!

Do not allow your children to watch YouTube unless they are supervised at all times. You might think you know what they are watching, but you don’t know what other videos and ads are popping up.

Where did they hear the word? their father? grandparents? television? are they copying what they have seen another adult say?

They are very young, but you can still explain to them that it's not nice to say anything about a person's appearance whether its weight, big nose, hair colour, glasses etc.

Hitting you and telling you to shut your mouth is another matter. Again, have they heard somebody say this to you? They are very young to come up with those words and to behave like that.

agree. Whatever the answer is it’s not physical violence

I don't advocate smacking, but I didn't start to say to my granddaughter, if she hit me, I'd hit back. She then used to stop and think. So I put it to her that if she then decided to hit, it was a choice and I then get to make the choice to hit back. It never came to that. She got smacking from being in school/soft play etc.

It utterly disgusts me that there are people on mumsnet in 2026 who would actually smack their kids. Disgusting behaviour which is also illegal in Scotland.

There are other ways of teaching your children. Abuse is not it.

They could’ve easily got this kind of language from kids at school or online. My first thought wouldn’t be that it’s the husband

This response is so kind and helpful , everything I thought but couldn’t phrase this well.

How on earth does not showing any anger or distress when someone calls you the fattest mum in the world teach them anything?! They are being nasty to see what happens, teaching them that women just go quiet and bear it is a terrible, stupid strategy.

They need to know if they are horrible to people, then people will be angry and bad things then happen to them (not violence obviously). That's how they don't turn into wifebeaters/serial killers.

Gentle parenting has a lot to answer for.

I suspect OP knows full well where they got it from but doesn’t want to share as it will shatter the illusion of the perfect loving household.

There is absolutely no chance in hell this would happen in my household.
I would take everything away from them right now, and make them earn things back with good behaviour. This has gone on long enough OP, they need to learn that if they want things they have to be good, as opposed to having things taken away for bad behaviour if that makes sense.

I think time outs have been proven to not work well.
And haven’t worked here also.
Have you had a calm heart -to-heart chat about it hurting your feelings ? How it’s not an appropriate thing to say to anyone ? With each child separately.
I would say no more days out and no more treats etc until they can be kind to their mother (and everyone else !) and husband should be on the same page here to support you.

How are you reacting when they say it? This needs more than "Thats not very nice" and taking toys away

If my 5 yo called me this or told me to shut my mouth and hit me he’d be getting very severe consequences. Behaviour like this can be a result of too much gentle parenting IMO. You can’t sit a 5 yo down and explain why it’s hurtful to call you those names because they haven’t developed enough empathy to care yet. Yes, you should still have that conversation with them to help them develop that empathy, but that can’t be the only thing you do. If it was me they’d get shouted at, told if they dare ever speak to me like that again I’d be emptying the snack cupboard for good. And I would do it. No snacks until they can speak to me respectfully. If they carried on doing it after that I’d impose another consequence, something like “we’re not going swimming today anymore because why should I do something nice for someone who calls me fat and tells me to shut my mouth?” I’d genuinely ask them this question and try and get them to think about whether they’d feel like doing something nice for someone who had called them names and been rude to them. After all the inevitable crying about missing out on swimming, once they were calm and able to listen, I’d sit them down and explain to them that it hurts my feelings a lot and it’s not nice and not kind. They have to know that you’re the boss and you won’t put up with it. They’ll soon learn that being mean and disrespectful equals not getting treats or being able to do fun activities. I’d get some books to read them about kindness and feelings etc to help them develop their understanding of this too

Firstly, you need to establish where they have learnt such vile language. Do they have access to screens? Some kids at school?

You sit them down and tell them the rules. No hitting, and no nasty words. If they break either rule they do time out and no treats. Be VERY firm with them when they use inappropriate language.

But you MUST establish where they have learnt such phrases. It is not typical vocabulary of a 4/5 year old.

If one of them does it, then make sure you focus on praising the child that is being good, and the other one needs to see that they are missing out.

You stay very calm not showing aby anger or distress. You simply lead him ti a boring time out place whete he has to stat for 5 minutes with no interaction (if he moves or shouts you put him straight backand start tge timer again) after tgat he has to apologise and then hug and move on. You say you have 'tried' timeouts, but you wont get immediate success, you have to stick with it long term until the 'time aint worth the crime' sinks in.

This. ^ They have heard this from someone. No children aged 4 and 5 years old would be saying such nasty things about their mother.

@Sunshining20 The first place I would look/my first suspicion would be their father. I just don't see who else it could be. You should confront him.

See I don’t really view time outs as a consequence - more a way of putting breaks on a situation, giving everyone time to think about it, and then having a serious conversation about the behaviour and explaining the consequences.

Ops language about get handling of this sounds weak to me.

I would go very still and stare at them, then shout/scream: 'what did you just say? How DARE you?!'
I would start throwing away their toys

This actually sounds a bit unhinged ...

I would be speaking to school because I'm guessing the 5yo is hearing it there if noone is using that language at home and I'd want to know what's happening there.

What I would do is sit them all not (not immediately after a row) and come up with a home agreement (ie write down on a poster the ways people will treat each other in your home to make it a nice place to live eg. Listen to each other, use kind words etc) then I'd get them to think of a consequence for when someone breaks the agreement. And then you follow through on that every single time.

I'd say consistency is key, you and dh need to be completely united and consequences be to be immediate and impactful so its a direct association. Ie unkind words mean no TV for the rest of the day. You could also use a rewards system with a treat they need to work towards with good behaviour - poor behaviour means one marker towards their treat is removed.

At the same time I'd be thinking about what they're watching on TV, I'd be including books etc about why it's important to be kind with your words and lots of talk about empathy. I wouldn't jump directly into punishment as you need to be calm and if the other parent is there when this happens they need to show you empathy and care and reiterate that it's never ok to hurt others with hands or words.

When they're doing this, they're dysregulated, angry and they're trying to manipulate the situation to try and regain control so you must be calm and grounded when you're responding otherwise it tells them that it's working. So lashing out in response isn't going to work.

If my kids did this to me, I would go very still and stare at them, then shout/scream: 'what did you just say? How DARE you?!' I would then send them to seperate rooms without anything in them for a while.

If they did it again, I would start throwing away their toys.when my husband got home I would tell him exactly what they said, he would also shout at them and warn them if they did it again then their tablets etc would be binned.

and repeat. They are pushing the boundaries because they are learning that they can do and say whatever they want and you will just cry or look sad.

I would warn my kids against playing with your kids if they acted like that, and certainly wouldn't have them over to my house. You are storing up problems because you are acting too wet/ 'gentle'.

They are acting appallingly, it's ok to show then that if they act this way to people they will act very angrily and there will be immediate consequences.