My ds keep shaming me

Mine would have a got a smacked bottom and then frog marched to a chair and made to sit there until they were told to move.

Where have they heard this language? This would be what I would be investigating.

Stern talking to.

Privileges removed.

Also I would also do less for them. Not their basic needs, but just generally less. I take mine out for fun activities, bake and cook with them etc. I explain to them that I am setting a boundary now as hoe they are treating me is not OK. I do the same with the 4 year old. He understands that how you treat someone will effect how they treat you and this may very well be not playing with them anymore. He has speech delay and still understands.

However, neither of my children have used such mean language to me before. It usually is they have heard someone say shut up and are testing it out or just raise their voice at me rudely that would cause this type of consequence.

They may well have picked it up from school. Both my DCs and my friends’ DCs have come home with some shockers at a fairly young age which have been picked up from the playground as it’s language not used in the home and not on the kinds of TV programmes they watch.

If it is a frequent occurrence, I would sit them down at a time when the language isn’t happening. Tell them this kind of language has been going on a long time and it isn’t acceptable. Do they talk like that in school? Do you need to speak to their teacher? (Mine have always been very focused on being “good” in school.) You expect this to stop, today. If not, you will impose X sanction until their behaviour improves. Then follow through. And make sure your DH/DP is on board.

Do they hit him as well? We had a lot of problems with hitting with one of our DCs but it was mainly directed at me. We have found DH seems to have more authority as he sounds more intimidating as a male. If this is applicable to yours, use it!

I would give very little in the way of emotional response. Id explain its not acceptable and they are not to do it.

Further... I'd explain rude children who say horrible things dont get nice things so there will be consequences.

I'd take the 4 and 5 yr old to the bin. And let them watch as i throw out all the snacks and tell them of they talk like that there wil be no snacks. And they'd get fuck all crisps/ treats / "nice snacks" from me.

Every time they do it they get a consequence (load washing, tidy toys) if they repeat. They get a media blackout for the rest of the day no tv and no screens.

Id be neutral and calm but immovable and id stop relatives giving them treats etc too.

I would want to know where they even got the idea from? Where did they learn that language? Where did they observe sneering, critical or bullying behaviour?

If anyone of my dc were rude or insulting they would know from a look from me how badly they had overstepped. It would be explained very clearly how unacceptable their behaviour had been.

None of mine have ever even tried it.

There would be no trips out except school
. If they can't behave at home they can't be trusted to go elsewhere..
No TV. No treats.
And speak to school...

Do the just do this to you? What about their father. Are they extremely rude to him too?? What does he do and say? A friend of mines teenager tried this once recently (just the once) his father made sure he knew in no uncertain terms that speaking to his mother like that was not going to be tolerated. His favourite thing was confiscated and she got an apology real quick.
The first time a four year old spoke to me like that I would respond with my firmest and angriest tone ‘I beg your pardon, what did you just say to me’? With follow up consequences if they dared to repeat themselves. No child I’ve ever met has. And I teach 4 year olds so have met many of them.

Shocking. Where on earth have the learned such language! Time to lose your shit

I’d protest vehemently, with a raised voice and use words like ‘stop’, ‘no’, ‘not ok’, and I’d restrain any hitting hands. I’d do it alongside my husband and I’d take them to separate rooms, their own bedrooms if they don’t share, with toys except teddy/comforter already removed, and I’d give it 20 mins before my husband went in to talk to each, youngest first, about why on earth he’s doing this. i wouldn’t expect coherent answers: the aim is to make them realise it isn’t acceptable. I imagine there’s some similar behaviour at school
and they are copying it and your reactions are exciting, not because they want to hurt you, but because they are having a big effect, and that’s unusual and interesting when you’re a little kid who’s normally got no power over adults.

Where have they learnt that though? They wouldn’t just say that out of thin air.

I think sometimes you have to treat things seriously and take a firm, zero tolerance stance. So no hitting and no name calling. No exceptions. And when it happens its a serious matter. Not ignored, not mildly corrected while distracted, not met with pleas to stop because 'its unkind and hurts mummy'. A clear message its not allowed. Ideally start this the first time it happens, but never too late.
So, stop what you're doing, shocked expression, down to their level and 'You must NOT call anyone fat, or any other name.' (Explanation as to why, useful, but not so it distracts from the key message that this is not permitted) Then repeat if it happens again with the addition of ' if you do this again...(consequence)'
Keep at it in the same way as you would if it was undoing their car seat or running into the road or refusing to brush their teeth. A non negotiable they must comply with.

Yes this. How does your husband respond when they do this? Is it when he isn't there? Who are they getting this language from?

I would be getting much angrier than this. It's repeated bad behaviour and needs clamping right down on. I would be sitting them down with their dad and saying it's not on and there will be serious consequences. Toys will be removed permanently never mind time outs.

If it was me and my children and this had been going on for this long, I'd be sending them to their room for the night and not a time out, I wouldn't be accepting an apology and then letting them carry on as normal. If their badly behaved at school they will miss a play time away from everyone else..... it's along the same lines

I think it would take one stern shock to the system and they'd stop

yep

sorry, not sorry

They’ve learned it from someone, they jolly well need to learn to stop insulting anyone for any reason, and learn it fast.

My mum would have done it the first time and I wouldn't have done that again.

Id scream at them, take their favourite toys away until they stop it and theyd be put in bed, the door shut without any nice tuck in or bed time routine for a long time until they stopped it. No weekend fun or treats etc. Until they stopped it.

Does it get him what he wants, a reaction or connection albeit not a good one, space or doesn’t have to do something.
you need to be firm with him, he needs to be told firmly to stop and given an immediate consequence which you stick too. He is at an age where he’s trying assert himself and you need to show him where the boundary line is. Be very consistent with it.

Do they think it is funny?
Where did they learn it?
Do they like the atrention you give them for it?
Each time say calmly we dont talk like that /we do not hit. Walk away and ignore them .

I’m not clear on that word ‘shaming’ but they certainly are being bloody rude. You and their father need to come down hard on this. We don’t talk about how people look. It’s rude.

You tell them very clearly and very firmly that talking to people like that is unacceptable, that you won’t tolerate it and that if he does it again, you will do (insert personalised consequence here).

We did this with our son at age 5 and it involved taking all of his Lego away for 2 weeks.

It’s very sad and disturbing to read that children so young, are being abusive to their mum.

What boundaries are put in place?
How do you react when they are so rude to you? Do they treat their dad in a similar way? ( the shut your mouth comments).

Mine too. I grew up being called fat and I'm recovering from anorexia. Commenting on anyone's face or body negatively is a huge sin in my household. My children have had worse consequences for commenting negatively on appearances than they have about swearing ect

Mine would have got a smacked backside if they were constantly doing that.

You need to explain to them that the next time they use words like that there will be ‘X’ consequence. Then follow through with it