I'm 16 and I need some perspective

'It's generational' is a piss poor excuse for behaviour like this and a way to excuse people from being mean and closed to learning/moving forward. It's plain close mindedness.

Yes, the media was very focused on body and presentation previously, but we didn't all think it was right! And even those that did, surely haven't been living under a rock for twenty years.

My own DM is critical of others in this way and it all boils down to self esteem issues. OP keep looking outwards, you sound switched on and you don't deserve the direct and indirect criticism from your mum. Because don't forget, when she is criticising others to you, she is also telling you her expectations of YOU, that you shouldn't be bad or fat or anything else she commented on in your friends, and that's the real insidious stuff.

Your mum is clearly BU, but there is something joyless and depressing about all shapes and sizes feeling they have to squeeze into the unforgiving, long, shiny, one colour dresses that seems to be the only acceptable prom/formal style. It's easy to be kind when you are someone who rocks that look.

I think this leads to more comparison of body shapes, not less as there's nothing else to differentiaye them. If clothes were more fun again and people could buy things that suited them, there would be something else to say.

No, she isn't. Don't be unpleasant. So many people's mothers are their first bullies, but that doesn't make it ok.

I feel like I must have been living in a parallel universe from some of you. Who were all these people who thought it was ok to make bitchy comments about people's appearances 20 years ago?!

My friends and family have never been like that?!

Your mum shouldn't have said those things but honestly you are also being over sensitive too. You are going to hear a lot worse and going to have to learn to deal with it. You seem very innocent and sadly the real world is liable to eat you alive. It's ok to point out to your mum it's not ok to say those things but getting upset and making it more of a deal won't achieve anything else except make you upset.

This. It doesn't have to be a massive deal.

This is just silly. There were plenty of teens who were not stick thin in the nineties. Just because it was the 'ideal' among some people doesn't mean that everyone was skinny. They weren't. I was a teen in the nineties and I remember it clearly. Also, I don't remember middle aged women being meaner during the nineties, either! If anything, it is the ones who were teens during that era, ie middle aged now, who would have those attitudes. I remember there actually was quite a backlash to heroin chic, while girls may have aspired to look like Kate Moss, a lot of adults thought she looked disgusting!

I’m late 50s and I know a few people like this (similar age) but most of my friends wouldn’t dream of being so judgemental and mean.

I have two adult DDs and went out of my way not to comment negatively on weight etc when they were growing up. Not that I would but even a tiny comment can have an affect on impressionable teens.

I'm really surprised that people are saying that it is a generational thing, OP.

I'm in my fifties and my own lovely mother is dead now, but she would never have dreamt of making such unkind and unnecessary comments about my friends. Or about anybody to be honest.

I would also never dream of making such nasty comments to my dd about her friends.

So I don't think it's an age thing, personally. I think it's just a personality thing. Some women seem to feel better about themselves if they criticise other women about their appearances. And about other stuff sometimes. It probably stems from a place of insecurity, I guess, but it isn't very nice.

There probably isn't much point in engaging in a debate about this with your mum, because you may just end up feeling upset. If she says something like that in future, just respond and say "really? I think they look beautiful". And keep saying it if she persists.

You sound like a lovely, kind person. Your mum should be very proud of you.

You’re being a great friend. She may be reflecting her own experience of losing friends because she says judgemental things.

I suspect she grew up in a time when society in general was VERY openly judgemental about women’s bodies and appearance e.g. the 1990s when we were all supposed to be stick thin and boyishly proportioned and had internalised this judgement.

She hasn’t caught up with the fact that much kinder, more self-accepting attitudes have become the norm now.

From the perspective of a 90s teen young women do look overweight and recklessly dressed for their body-shape now. It’s quite joyful and freeing I would say - but I can understand it being jarring too.

For what it's worth OP from what you've posted you do sound like a much nicer person than your mother.

Honestly? Your mum sounds like she's being a bitch. Keep being you, quietly and marvellously. Having a supportive friendship group is worth it's weight in gold and you're very lucky.
The old saying about how you can't choose your family is a truism, and ultimately it's the people you choose to surround yourself with who will shape how you live in the world.
You and your friends sound lovely.
Who knows what your mum's motives are at this point. Maybe she feels left out, maybe she's projecting insecurities from her own girl hood onto you, maybe she's just misguided.
Mother daughter relationships are often a bit fractious (mine with my mum certainly is!) but remember that she loves you even if she's doing a rubbish job of showing it sometimes!

Then this is the bigger issue; that she is unkind to you and denigrates you. This isn’t acceptable. You need to find the strength in you to call it out every time. Every. Time. This will result in it either changing or at least a realisation that you have boundaries and have drawn your line in the sand. It could go badly but do you want to live like this?

Yeah, this. Also, if the OP was complaining about her father not her mother, I reckon we would see far less of the softly softly approach. It infuriates me how often poor female behaviour is handwaved on this site.

Why on earth should the OP apologize!? Her mother was in the wrong.
OP, I would just greet any further remarks like that with a chilling silence. My mother isn't as bad as yours, but she sometimes makes very silly comments. When she does, I just say nothing at all. She has learned what that means. Granted, I'm in my forties but I have a far stronger personality than my mother anyway. You also sound much stronger than your mother. If she is like that a lot, I would grey rock her as much as possible.

I think we all have to grow up and face up to our parents limitations. We will have our own limitations too, no one is perfect. This doesn't mean that you can't try to make the best of the good qualities your parents have. I think learning how to deal with the behaviours you don't like is a great skill.

I feel for you and I'm sorry your mum is being like this.
My mum is also this way. Our views, values and opinions could not be more different. I think I first realised this at age 16. It look a while to understand it was her life experiences that shaped her and I could be different and not follow her script.
I'm now in my 50s and she's in her 70s.
I love her but I'm having a good life with people I choose to be around and my children are all accepting, kind and non judgemental.
Be proud of who you are.

Your mother is being mean. I'd have said something more along the lines of handsome is as handsome does and wouldn't she prefer that were friends with nice people and were happy with people who weren't always being snide about others..

What on earth does she mean by "you make people hate you easily"? I don't see any evidence to support that in what you've written. Sounds like she may be projecting her own traits onto you, since making unprompted negative comments on someone's looks and appearance is definitely one way to make someone dislike you!

It sounds like you know what's going on here. My mum has a massive mean streak (at this point it's probably most of her personality rather than a streak!) and I had to learn before I even became a teenager that I couldn't rely on her for advice on how to become a well adjusted adult.

My advice? Trust your instincts. You know what makes a good friend even if your mum doesn't.

Your mum sounds like a nightmare. I’m 46 and her behaviour was wrong back in my day too, not sure why people are excusing this as a generational thing.

for me, the uncalled for comments were gross to make about anyone and especially a child. Was she never taught the phrase, popular with my Granny’s generation, “if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all”?

im also very concerned the way she turned the whole thing into a personal attack on you and your friendships. Totally uncalled for and terrible parenting.

I’d feel sorry for her though, she sounds mean and bitter and it’s sad that she 1. Gets her kicks tearing down others, and 2. When called out cannot just learn to consider her actions and apologise, and instead doubles down.

Some of it is generational. Like a previous poster says in the 90s we did this all the time - about celebs and other people. It was awful really.

Younger generations are much kinder in their comments.

My father (now in his 70s) will often comment on ‘tell me you wouldn’t wear that if you had her thighs’ or ‘she’ll break that chair if she sits on it’. Awful comments really and thankfully now his children and grandchildren call him out. But it’s very much the comments everyone was saying until the late 90s.

I think
apologise to you mother for upsetting her an explain you don’t like negative comments on people’s appearance. Hopefully she’ll appreciate the apology and take on board what you’ve said.

My mother is like this, I just don’t engage and say that it’s not nice - tbf she has stopped doing it around me now. If someone is overweight and wearing a shirt skirt for example and she said something, I’ll just say ‘good on her, as long as she’s happy, who cares’
The cruel comments your mother made about you personally, was her being defensive because you caught her out. As you get older, you will see her flaws more - just learn from this and use it as an example of how you do not want to treat people and rise above it. Continue on the path you are on and don’t doubt yourself.

My daughter has a friend whose mum is quite controlling and constantly seems to evaluate people in terms of looks, weight, dress, even straightness of teeth. None of her daughter’s friends or her own daughter look favourably on her. She’s probably a result of her generation that these issues were given such weight. It has affected her relationship with her daughter who prefers to hang here where external appearances are not given such importance. I guess you will end up choosing where you spend your time if your mum is like this.

Maybe try asking her which she would prefer for you: fat friends with bad dress sense who are fun, supportive and loving, or slim well-dressed friends who are mean bitches always tearing you down.