Not wanting mil to stay

when the time comes and she wants to stay, if your DH won’t tell her no, then you must. Simples.

But really you have a DH problem.

How did you break the cycle?

How many times will she expect to visit ? Can you handle 3-5 night in a year ? I hate house guests too

I can’t stand anyone other than my adult DC staying over.

I agree with PP. You tell DH that MIL needs to stay in a hotel if he wants peace. If he invites her to stay, you will go away yourself, either with or without the DC.

Why can't you just put up with it for say 4 nights per year? She comes to visit twice and stays 2 nights. The rest of the time DH can go and visit her.

I don't like having people stay over either but there's no way I'd send my parents or inlaws to an Air BnB for the sake of a couple of nights at a time. Is this a thing now?

And saying on you very first line

I probably am being unreasonable but I dont care!

Isn't really a great start

Why say you own your house, if you are married surely you both own it now?
<completely misses the point here>

So your DH is nice to his own DM and everyone dismisses that as “weakness”

Some of you need to watch out that karma doesn’t bite you on the bum and that your own DCs and DILs don’t treat you with the contempt and intolerance that you treat your older relatives.

FFS OP. Own your actions. If you want to cut your MIL out then do so but don’t come on here looking for justification from the hive mind that it doesn’t make you a bad person.

Maybe you can set the tone by going to visit her first - but staying in an air B&B / Premier Inn etc. Saying you don't do houseguests and modelling the alternative might start to click with her.

This.

I'm not keen on house guests and only have very close friends to stay, unless it's very brief and for a specific purpose, eg someone getting a flight from the airport 30 minutes drive away but a long way from their home.

Get DH to explain that this is how things are and she'll have to get an Airbnb or hotel.

I made a huge mistake in having my ex's DM to stay and it was a nightmare. Mind you, she was a proper miserable cow.

Wanting to preserve your own space is completely valid. It's your house, your boundary. It takes honest self reflection to know this is something you need to feel happy and relaxed, and a perfectly reasonable mental health line in the sand. Air bnb's are available, if she wants to visit, she takes responsibility for her accommodation.

OP “i didn’t say she was a bad person she does what she wants to do but doesn’t ask or take anyone else’s opinion on anything it’s her way or no way”

You do know OP that you are coming across very like this yourself?

also OP:

”I said I didn’t want them sleeping over
i do not need to see somebody else’s face that I don’t live with for 16 hours of the day and have someone in my personal space literally every single awake moment because that is what they do
i feel like I can’t breathe so if that makes me bad then so be it”

Maybe they dont tell you as you come across as patronising?

Just saying..

ckearly more compassionate them is lot of people on here.

the other side of the coin is that mil thought she was helping out. Stomping off in a strop is ridiculous and I’d not entertain that.

I’ve been a young mum. I still had boundaries.

I would always ensure that arrangements fir arriving and leaving are agreed in advance and if 5 days was mooted, I would say that that is too much -in a kind way. Having to ‘kick someone out’ just wouldn’t happen in my house as I have boundaries which are firm and reasonable to everyone and I apply them kindly. Having someone stay with no idea of plans to leave sounds wild to me.

I would never, ever bad mouth my in laws in front of my children (op hasn’t said she has, but I strongly suspect that she has from the way she is speaking) and if I heard my dd talking badly of my in laws (unless a specific and justified reason), she would get short shift from me.

having my mil stay takes a few bottles of wine fir me to get to , but she or dh would bet kniw that. She is desperate to me part of my life and having her come to stay a few times a year is a small thing.

i do put in adjustments and will make sure dh takes his mum out fur lunch to give me some space. I also feel no qualms about going out in my own fur a coffee if im feeling I need space.

Honestly here is the best policy.

This is her decision and you all need to discuss boundaries.

i think you’re a tad harsh on your husband. He’s not spineless, he just doesn’t have the same issue you do.

I would tackle this head on and say “I don’t like having any house guests so when you visit here are some b and b’s close by. I want to preserve our relationship and I’m aware that when you stayed last time we fell out and didn’t speak for a long time”.

I completely get you OP. I hate having anyone stay over. In the 30yrs I've lived in my house I've had the PIL stay one night (when I was in labour with 2nd DC and they were minding DC1 - MIL refused to go to bed because she was kind of hoping I'd give birth at home and she'd be first to grab the baby) and had a work colleague stay one night (we were attending an event together that was near me). Other than that it's a no-guest zone. Don't mind day visits, but hate the whole overnight thing, and we don't have a spare room anyway. When I see posts on MN about people trying to clear up after one set of guests before the next arrive it fills me with horror as it would be a nightmare for me.

I'd be upfront with MIL and say you can tolerate house guests for one night stays only, and provide a list of low cost hotels or bnb nearby if she wants to stay longer. If she's moved to care for her DB and friends though, hopefully she won't be able to be away from them too long.

I would suggest finding a purpose for any spare room like an office or gym. No spare beds and send her links to a hotel if she wants to visit.

Being a young mum is a weak excuse

You don’t sound like a compassionate person at all

Go on a (kind) offensive. Don't be caught off guard.

"Oh MIL, that's a great move for you, but we will all have to think about the arrangements for when you come to [our town]. As you know, I'm now working from home and every room in the house is occupied / As you know Jo and Edi are now in their own rooms. However, fantastic news! There is a [insert accommodation of choice] that is only 5 minutes walk or 7 minutes in a taxi. I know how much you value your independence and this seems like the perfect solution. I see it is free from 3rd to 8th October. Do you want to book it?"

Do exactly this, for everyone’s sake

Confused here.

OP allowed her MIL to stay for five days?

Was she supposed to kick her out?

MIL is her DH’s mum and OP should be compassionate yet OP is also supposed to somehow boot her out of her home after she overstayed her welcome?

Being a ftm is not an excuse. Often dynamics change when children enter the picture.

Plus, teenagers don’t typically go off of their parents’ experiences when it comes to their grandparents, they go off their own personal experiences. If MIL is a lot to them, then she highly likely is.

Pretty sure most posters recall what their grandparents were like with them and could say whether they were nice or not. Plenty of threads, posters have said what their own grandparents were like when they were children.

she got so pissed off and said I’ll leave then shall I ...
Erm... yes please! 🤣

From someone who also has a difficult relationship with my MIL, you need to give a little and then draw a clear boundary. Tell your DH that you happy to have her stay a couple of times a year for one night but really any more than this you would worry that it would lead to a falling out. Then encourage him to maintain the relationship with the grandchildren in others ways - him visiting her, or them all going away for the weekend.

Sell it to him as the best way to keep the harmony: and best of luck!