Not wanting mil to stay

Good for you. Does MIL stay in a hotel now?

Why on earth does this post about OP's MIL make you feel sad? OP feels the way she does because of her MIL's behaviour. MILs aren't automatically programmed to interfere, to be nasty and to piss their DILs off like OP's MIL has done. It is a choice they make and they then need to deal with the consequences of their own actions.

My ex-MIL was a horror and I ended up hating her guts. I have made sure that I treat both my DILs with kindness and respect. It's not difficult.

It's fine if staying over with family in their home works for you all. Some people love to host, some people like being guests. I just don't understand why people push it as a thing you have to do to host/stay with family when it really doesn't work and nobody is actually happy when you do.

Christ I just spent 3 nights at my DDs … maybe I need to ring and apologise!

I have boundaries with certain relatives too. In this case though as it is your MIL I 🤔 I'd book and pay for the Airbnb. You may find she even prefers her own space and the cost would be well worth it for my mental health!

I'm with u on this huni , my other halfs mother lives about 2 hours away from us after years of shit I told him that's it now if want to vist and stay over we not staying in house never again so go to a local hotel i can't handle to drama and the whole crap of the family thats y we moved away u need to tell him enough is enough sod it x

Similar @CrazyGoatLadywe had to sleep in living room of PIL and their pattern was to sleep in front of the TV 9-12, then get up and be very loud for a few hours, even until 3-4am. So we couldn’t go to bed, I was told if I was tired I should just be able to lie down on the floor and go to sleep. FIL would also get up at 7am, bang around for an hour, go back to bed for a few hours. I would be wide awake then.
Then they wonder why you don’t want to come and stay and complain you are difficult.
If you have people to stay or are staying at others you need to make the effort to make sure people are actually getting some sleep.

We have family stay in hotels/air bnb when they come. Allows for more space and a better visit for all.

we do offer to help with costs though, if that is an option for you?

People's habits and schedules just aren't always compatible. MIL and her partner go to bed at 9pm and expect a quiet house after that, and have a 2 bed semi. I can't expect 2 teen night owl boys to share a small living room with the dogs and be silent after 9pm, no wifi either and poor signal so it's not like they can go on tablets with headphones. MIL struggles to sleep at ours because the boys are pottering until midnight or so and the rooster starts at dawn. She's terrified of the goats and won't leave the front door unless one of us is with her.

FIL has turned his spare room into a workshop since retiring and has no spare beds, but thinks it's entirely reasonable for us all to camp out on air beds on the living room floor. Which would mean we can't go to bed until he does, and he's more of a night owl than our DC. He drinks heavily and his idea of a good night is playing us awful experimental music by obscure bands, wuth the volume up so high it's painful as he's rather deaf, and lecturing us about them. Not that we can hear a word he says of course. At our house, he grumps about not being allowed to play said loud, dreadful music and that we're too quiet and "no fun" and don't have enough "hard liquor" in the house - usually after draining DH's single malt!

But despite it glaringly not working for anyone involved, still it's somehow rude or seen as we don't love them if we don't host/stay there. Baffling.

I'm with you on house guests. I hate hosting. I didn't mind when I was younger/had more energy, but perimenopause and a stressful full time job plus caring responsibilities for elderly family have left me with no spare energy to host people and do all the extra cleaning and cooking. We are building a shepherds hut at the moment and when it's finished that will be available for guests, but until then they stay at the local pub/b&b!

I don't like or expect to stay in others' homes either, so it's not like I refuse to host but expect to stay.

YABU not to accommodate her visiting at all, but YANBU to insist MIL stays in a hotel/self catering or bnb. People's schedules and habits aren't always compatible, and we can spend time with family for longer if we have somewhere we can retreat to, or we know we'll have the house to ourselves overnight and in the morning.

Could you be straight up with her? Say MiL, it’s lovely you’re moving to be close to your sibling and friend. It’s a good thing you are doing. I know it will make things tricky if you want to visit us. And you know how we rub each other up the wrong way if we spend too much time in each other’s company? So how about I find some decent ABNBs close by us that you can book? Means you have somewhere to escape to when you’ve had enough of me, and we can take you ‘home’ for the night when it suits?

Move further away and make sure you have no guest rooms.

A lot of people simply don’t enjoy overnight guests - we’re all different

Tbh I had to have this conversation with my own parents as my house is just too small, don't have a spare room and meant moving all kids into one room. So 4 adults and 3 teens with one bathroom, it was bad. I gave them hitels nearby or air b and b and told them id book it and pay.
Sadly they never visited me again as dad seemed to take a huge huff (we are all flight or ferry ride away) then coving and then they just got too old.

They are lucky I visit quite a bit

There is no harm telling her your expectations

Sorry, I just can't relate to this. You're all family. Isnt it normal to put up family when they come to see you? Even if its a relief when they leave. It just seems rude to suggest she stays in an air bnb when she comes to visit if you have room in your house.

’It’s a long old way, we’ll be able to meet in the middle’.

Start researching good equidistant places to meet up. Eg meet at a cafe in a park mid morning. Coffee and a catch up, snack for the kids. Kids have a play in the playground and blow off some steam. Then to a nearby restaurant/ Pizza Ex/ whatever for lunch and a catch up. A little walk after lunch then say your goodbyes. Is that doable?

I feel your pain on this.. I couldn't do it I don't like having house guests one bit.
I remember the days years ago when I had a mil ... omg it was a nightmare I couldn't ever go back to those days I'm happily single now thank god.

This made me laugh 🤣 send husband to the mils ... get rid of both 😂

Can't you get rid of the spare bed and turn the spare bedroom into something else? Then point her towards air bnbs (you can even offer to rent it for her).

Your voice is so alive! I hear your accent as perhaps Northern Irish rural?
Yes? No?
Despite whatever I might be thinking about your plight, I just want to applaud you and resonate with your description of your situation.

As to the rest? Nah! Don't let her stay. She sounds like poison. Get her a B&B, if she insists on visiting. Insist that your DH acquires a spine from somewhere.
F*ck 'em. Keep being as real as you are. Much love. xx

I think it’s fair enough for her to stay 2 nights if coming from so far away. Just have boundaries and say 2 nights max. It would be U to say she can never stay. And that coming from someone who can’t stand her MIL

Completely agree.

It doesn’t matter if she’s upset or not, she’ll be upset by you telling her you don’t want her to stay at your, she’ll want to stay for days and you know that ends in disaster

just say, that you don’t have room or inclination to host anyone, but Airbnb or a local bnb would suit her better.

Arrange to be away when she's stays or investigate a nice hotel/b&b near you and explain that if she wants to visit she'll be staying in her own accommodation. She has brought this on herself, so don't feel guilty. Finally, you can always pack your husband off to stay with her!

Just go and sleep at a friend's house. Let DH cook for her and sort her out.