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Original poster

To not let the Grandparents look after the kids

121 replies

GlitteryRainbow · 07/02/2026 16:03

Ex-H and I recently divorced. He’s not moved out yet but was legally obliged to two weeks ago - but that’s a different story.

He goes away regularly for week long trips to the US or Europe. I’ve said when that happens I don’t want his parents looking after the kids (young for age 12&15 year old).

Ex-MIL has dementia, she can’t look after herself. Needs care 24/7. Over Christmas when they stayed she took 3 days worth of medication in one go. When her brother visited recently by the evening she couldn’t remember his visit. She can’t cook anymore as she’d likely burn the house down.

Ex-FIL is the full time carer with no respite. He also has several medical conditions of his own. He isn’t coping with looking after Ex-MIL as she used to do everything.

I’m not happy with the ex-in-laws looking after the kids for entire weeks. What if Ex-FIL collapses from one of his medical conditions and the kids are left looking after Ex-MIL? Or Ex-MIL wanders off? Or she does something stupid and hurts herself and needs to go to hospital so kids are left on their own?

Ex-H has just said he has no problem with his parents looking after the kids. It’s me he’s concerned about having them. I’m so fed up that my concerns just get dismissed and he’ll just do what he likes.

OP posts:
LayaM · 07/02/2026 19:00

You need to be a bit more specific about their additional needs or delays because I'd expect a 12- and 15-year old to be able to look after themselves in an emergency and be pretty able to manage with minimal supervision generally.

Also they would both ordinarily be given a choice in custody arrangements so what has happened regarding that, do they want to go?

Ohfudgeoff · 07/02/2026 18:59

GlitteryRainbow · 07/02/2026 17:51

I’d have to have them when he goes away. Which I’ve said I’d rather have happen.

Show quote history

Can you balance it out between you across a year, so if you have them a couple of extra weeks while he's away, he can have them a couple of extra weeks when he is here?

stayathomegardener · 07/02/2026 18:46

It would be a no from me.

Dementia can be so unpredictable, I used to really worry staying at my Mums as she wouldn’t remember anyone was staying so potential to accidentally bludgeon me at night.

Our poor neighbour regularly beat her husband with various implements terrified he was an intruder as she didn’t recognise him.

liamharha · 07/02/2026 18:42

GlitteryRainbow · 07/02/2026 16:03

Ex-H and I recently divorced. He’s not moved out yet but was legally obliged to two weeks ago - but that’s a different story.

He goes away regularly for week long trips to the US or Europe. I’ve said when that happens I don’t want his parents looking after the kids (young for age 12&15 year old).

Ex-MIL has dementia, she can’t look after herself. Needs care 24/7. Over Christmas when they stayed she took 3 days worth of medication in one go. When her brother visited recently by the evening she couldn’t remember his visit. She can’t cook anymore as she’d likely burn the house down.

Ex-FIL is the full time carer with no respite. He also has several medical conditions of his own. He isn’t coping with looking after Ex-MIL as she used to do everything.

I’m not happy with the ex-in-laws looking after the kids for entire weeks. What if Ex-FIL collapses from one of his medical conditions and the kids are left looking after Ex-MIL? Or Ex-MIL wanders off? Or she does something stupid and hurts herself and needs to go to hospital so kids are left on their own?

Ex-H has just said he has no problem with his parents looking after the kids. It’s me he’s concerned about having them. I’m so fed up that my concerns just get dismissed and he’ll just do what he likes.

At 12 and 15 presumably no Sen needs I don't really see a issue but I seem to be in the minority I'm assuming they don't need looking after just supervision ,,at these ages they should be able to meet there care needs as in hygiene and food etc with grandad their as a responsible adult and guidance .
I assume if anything happened to grandad they would be able to summon assistamce from yourself ?
I have a high needs 6 yr old who often gets in to dangerous situations without constant supervisiony young teens are able to take care of themselves and even occasionally cook aeal for their 11 yr old sibling if I'm dealing with a situation.

Nearly50omg · 07/02/2026 18:39

Change the locks when he is away and when he turns up he will find all his crap on the doorstep! If he kicks off cal the police and show them the court documents and that he NO LONGER OWNS THE HOUSE OR LIVES THERE!!!

aWeeCornishPastie · 07/02/2026 18:31

Is he insane?? They absolutely cannot look after the kids

Endofyear · 07/02/2026 18:29

It would be a hard no from me. Your children need a responsible adult looking after them and it would be too much to expect FIL to care for MIL and two children for a week at a time.

Tell exH that either he is there to take care of his kids or they stay with you. If he objects, tell him to take it to court. No judge is going to take his side in this case.

Minnie798 · 07/02/2026 18:29

If your 15 and 12 year old need a lot of looking after and supervision, It doesn't sound fair on ex fil. He has enough on his plate.

peachbananas · 07/02/2026 18:29

You have a lot on I get that, but at 15, presuming no SEND needs? I’d expect more maturity, more life skills, more independence.
I can’t imagine a 15 year old unable to cook a meal, for example. Are these things you can work on? If not, why? It’s not typical for that age, have their needs been assessed? Do they have support in place?

You're not unreasonable for not wanting them cared for by the grandparents, not at all! Also if they are as dependent at that age as you say, it would be unfair on FIL, who isn’t coping as it is.

Original poster
GlitteryRainbow · 07/02/2026 18:26

ginasevern · 07/02/2026 18:22

Apart from anything else, your DH obviously doesn't give a shit about his parents. His poor father, elderly with medical conditions and a carer to someone with advanced dementia. Yeah, let's pile on the responsibility! He sounds like an absolute fucking dickhead.

Hence why we’re divorced. He only ever thinks of himself. I could give many other examples of this happening.

I don’t get on with the in-laws but in this case I don’t think it’s fair to put the extra burden on his father. He says his parents love spending time with the kids. I think there’s a difference between spending time with them and looking after them for a week.

OP posts:
ginasevern · 07/02/2026 18:22

Apart from anything else, your DH obviously doesn't give a shit about his parents. His poor father, elderly with medical conditions and a carer to someone with advanced dementia. Yeah, let's pile on the responsibility! He sounds like an absolute fucking dickhead.

Original poster
GlitteryRainbow · 07/02/2026 17:58

Basikelly · 07/02/2026 16:09

Of course they shouldn't look after children. How 'young' is the 15 year old? Should you be addressing that? They should be able to deal with an overnight with their 12 year old sibling at that age.

The 15 year old has some issues so there are a lot of things that he can’t do for himself. The two of them fight a lot physically, so I wouldn’t want to leave them on their own together. He certainly couldn’t cook a meal. I wouldn’t leave them on their own for a week.

How should we address his age being younger than it is?

OP posts:
Original poster
GlitteryRainbow · 07/02/2026 17:53

toomuchfaff · 07/02/2026 16:57

Sounds like ex hasn't even considered the needs of PIL and is just being an arse. Id hardly think that FIL is rejoicing at the prospect of having the kids on top of all other responsibility.

I have suggested it wouldn’t be fair on FIL. Ex says that he hasn’t said that it’s a problem. I’ve said I doubt that he would.

OP posts:
Original poster
GlitteryRainbow · 07/02/2026 17:51

Ohfudgeoff · 07/02/2026 16:07

It's not about what your DH wants, it is what is in the best interests of the kids, and putting the children into the situation you described is not in their best interests.

What other options are there?

I’d have to have them when he goes away. Which I’ve said I’d rather have happen.

OP posts:
Original poster
GlitteryRainbow · 07/02/2026 17:50

Slightyamusedandsilly · 07/02/2026 16:06

A couple of questions.

  1. Why was he legally required to move out (might have bearing on his judgement).

  2. Have you been to court about custody?

  1. It was part of the divorce settlement. I brought him out of the house, he moves out.
  2. The divorce settlement including what happens with the kids was looked at by the court. We didn’t go to court specifically about custody.
OP posts:
toomuchfaff · 07/02/2026 16:57

Sounds like ex hasn't even considered the needs of PIL and is just being an arse. Id hardly think that FIL is rejoicing at the prospect of having the kids on top of all other responsibility.

Basikelly · 07/02/2026 16:09

Of course they shouldn't look after children. How 'young' is the 15 year old? Should you be addressing that? They should be able to deal with an overnight with their 12 year old sibling at that age.

Ohfudgeoff · 07/02/2026 16:07

It's not about what your DH wants, it is what is in the best interests of the kids, and putting the children into the situation you described is not in their best interests.

What other options are there?

Slightyamusedandsilly · 07/02/2026 16:06

A couple of questions.

  1. Why was he legally required to move out (might have bearing on his judgement).

  2. Have you been to court about custody?

Hollietree · 07/02/2026 16:05

You are absolutely correct. It’s concerning that he would willingly put his children as such risk of harm. You need to put your foot down and tell him that safeguarding your children is paramount.

cornflakecrunchie · 07/02/2026 16:04

Absolutely NOT!!!

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