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Original poster

To not let the Grandparents look after the kids

121 replies

GlitteryRainbow · 07/02/2026 16:03

Ex-H and I recently divorced. He’s not moved out yet but was legally obliged to two weeks ago - but that’s a different story.

He goes away regularly for week long trips to the US or Europe. I’ve said when that happens I don’t want his parents looking after the kids (young for age 12&15 year old).

Ex-MIL has dementia, she can’t look after herself. Needs care 24/7. Over Christmas when they stayed she took 3 days worth of medication in one go. When her brother visited recently by the evening she couldn’t remember his visit. She can’t cook anymore as she’d likely burn the house down.

Ex-FIL is the full time carer with no respite. He also has several medical conditions of his own. He isn’t coping with looking after Ex-MIL as she used to do everything.

I’m not happy with the ex-in-laws looking after the kids for entire weeks. What if Ex-FIL collapses from one of his medical conditions and the kids are left looking after Ex-MIL? Or Ex-MIL wanders off? Or she does something stupid and hurts herself and needs to go to hospital so kids are left on their own?

Ex-H has just said he has no problem with his parents looking after the kids. It’s me he’s concerned about having them. I’m so fed up that my concerns just get dismissed and he’ll just do what he likes.

OP posts:
MID50s · 08/02/2026 21:08

Nearly50omg · 07/02/2026 18:39

Change the locks when he is away and when he turns up he will find all his crap on the doorstep! If he kicks off cal the police and show them the court documents and that he NO LONGER OWNS THE HOUSE OR LIVES THERE!!!

This! 😀

Willyoujust · 08/02/2026 21:04

You need a court order to say that the children will stay with you when he’s not available. That is not on.

Original poster
GlitteryRainbow · 08/02/2026 20:59

PeopleLikeColdplayYouCantTrustPeopleJez · 08/02/2026 20:57

My sympathies OP. Just because our children get older it doesn’t mean they don’t need us to support them day to day. Between my 2 older ones they have ND, anxiety, depression and a chronic pain condition. They needed to have someone on their case getting shit done and also patience and empathy. All at the same time. The balance is hard. And probably basically impossible for someone like
your exFIL who lacks both patience and empathy, on top of being a full time carer.

I would definitely be digging my heels in on this.

Show quote history

Thank you for your understanding and empathy. Sorry it’s tough for you too.

OP posts:
LionKing88 · 08/02/2026 20:59

OP your latest posts are so defeated and youre not taking any suggestions on board. What exactly do you want from the thread?

Original poster
GlitteryRainbow · 08/02/2026 20:57

stomachamelon · 08/02/2026 20:15

This is all sounding a bit strange now…
You are in a fairly high powered job where you are required to go away?
everything your ex husband says goes? Even post divorce?
You are worried about a hypothetical situation but won’t get legal advice?
Both children are incapable of even phoning you?
You are now saying he will say your a bad mother and the children he doesn’t even look after as he is away all the time will be taken away from you even though they are 15 and 11 and in-laws are dementia ridden/ seriously unwell?
Surely the schools you must deal with regularly as they are SEN and have allowances would back up your situation?

Show quote history

Yes, I’m in a fairly high powered job which requires me to go away.
It’s best to go along with what the Ex-H says for a quiet life after 27years I’m well aware of this.
I have sought legal advice for the hypothetical situation. I thought it was written into the divorce agreement that whilst the in-laws could visit they couldn’t look after the kids.
I didn’t say the children were incapable of phoning me. In fact my daughter knows that she can phone anytime there is a problem and if she can’t get hold of me she can phone my sister.
When you get told something repeatedly for 15 years you tend to believe it. Ex-H and his parents think I’m the world’s worst mother because I work.
Both kids are in secondary. Ex-H deals with SENCO for 15 year old son. I am in touch with school for 12yo daughter. She’s only been there a term and a half. The primary school might do though they know me much better.

OP posts:
PeopleLikeColdplayYouCantTrustPeopleJez · 08/02/2026 20:57

GlitteryRainbow · 07/02/2026 21:00

No child maintenance.

If they just needed an adult in the house it would be fine. Getting them up and ready for school in the morning is a nightmare. 12yo is not a morning person so needs persuading to get up. She has chronic anxiety so needs to be reassured about school and any issues. Then at the other end of the day it’s making sure they do their homework. 15yo will lie about having done it and start at 10pm. Then getting them to go to bed and to sleep is a negotiation and making sure they haven’t sneaked onto tech. It’s all very stressful and FIL isn’t good with people. I remember him shouting at his daughter who had PND just to pull herself together. He has no empathy.

Show quote history

My sympathies OP. Just because our children get older it doesn’t mean they don’t need us to support them day to day. Between my 2 older ones they have ND, anxiety, depression and a chronic pain condition. They needed to have someone on their case getting shit done and also patience and empathy. All at the same time. The balance is hard. And probably basically impossible for someone like
your exFIL who lacks both patience and empathy, on top of being a full time carer.

I would definitely be digging my heels in on this.

gototogo · 08/02/2026 20:48

No the grandparents can’t look after young children however they are not young, they are of an age they can be helping out, I was staying with my grandmother at 15 looking after her! Unfortunately this reads like an exw who wants to exercise control, unless there’s sn you need to step back on this

PyongyangKipperbang · 08/02/2026 20:42

You do need to go to court, because "First refusal" to the other parents is perfectly normal. A lot of court orders include this and would not be seen as outrageous.

You are being way too passive about this. You are not alienating them, you are simply asking that you have first refusal on caring for them when he has a work trip.

Original poster
GlitteryRainbow · 08/02/2026 20:40

stomachamelon · 08/02/2026 20:15

This is all sounding a bit strange now…
You are in a fairly high powered job where you are required to go away?
everything your ex husband says goes? Even post divorce?
You are worried about a hypothetical situation but won’t get legal advice?
Both children are incapable of even phoning you?
You are now saying he will say your a bad mother and the children he doesn’t even look after as he is away all the time will be taken away from you even though they are 15 and 11 and in-laws are dementia ridden/ seriously unwell?
Surely the schools you must deal with regularly as they are SEN and have allowances would back up your situation?

Show quote history

You’ve never been in an abuse relationship have you?

OP posts:
Original poster
GlitteryRainbow · 08/02/2026 20:38

Anonomoso · 08/02/2026 20:27

He doesn’t have to live there, or even have any rights to entre the property.
As you have bought him out and now own the house, surely you're entitled to change the locks.

I don’t own the house, I haven’t brought him out. My solicitor withheld the money as he didn’t plan to move out. So I can’t change the locks.

OP posts:
Original poster
GlitteryRainbow · 08/02/2026 20:36

RedToothBrush · 08/02/2026 19:56

Let me put it another way. Which is more crucial and important; your kids being safe and not put into a position they can't cope with or you getting away without the kids? Either kids are at risk with the grandparents without another adult or they aren't? Which is it?

The fact you seem to be saying you think getting away without the kids is the more important of the two doesn't reflect well.

That’s not what I said but it’s a tough decision if it means losing my job again. If I don’t have a job I can’t afford to look after the children anyway and they’ll be left with the grandparents even more.

OP posts:
Original poster
GlitteryRainbow · 08/02/2026 20:32

Pinkissmart · 08/02/2026 19:56

Of course they shouldn’t look after the kids.
People with dementia aren’t ‘stupid’ though

Did I say people with dementia are stupid?

OP posts:
Anonomoso · 08/02/2026 20:27

He doesn’t have to live there, or even have any rights to entre the property.
As you have bought him out and now own the house, surely you're entitled to change the locks.

stomachamelon · 08/02/2026 20:15

GlitteryRainbow · 08/02/2026 19:07

Ex-H will convince them I’m a bad mother and I’ll never see them again.

Show quote history

This is all sounding a bit strange now…
You are in a fairly high powered job where you are required to go away?
everything your ex husband says goes? Even post divorce?
You are worried about a hypothetical situation but won’t get legal advice?
Both children are incapable of even phoning you?
You are now saying he will say your a bad mother and the children he doesn’t even look after as he is away all the time will be taken away from you even though they are 15 and 11 and in-laws are dementia ridden/ seriously unwell?
Surely the schools you must deal with regularly as they are SEN and have allowances would back up your situation?

Handrearedmagpie · 08/02/2026 20:03

He can't have his mother with dementia confused even more by moving her into his house whenever it suits him!
If I knew this was happening to my kids, I would be speaking to social services.

RedToothBrush · 08/02/2026 19:56

Let me put it another way. Which is more crucial and important; your kids being safe and not put into a position they can't cope with or you getting away without the kids? Either kids are at risk with the grandparents without another adult or they aren't? Which is it?

The fact you seem to be saying you think getting away without the kids is the more important of the two doesn't reflect well.

Pinkissmart · 08/02/2026 19:56

Of course they shouldn’t look after the kids.
People with dementia aren’t ‘stupid’ though

RedToothBrush · 08/02/2026 19:51

GlitteryRainbow · 08/02/2026 19:02

I can never go away when it’s his week with the kids? That will go down well with my work when I can never go away.

Show quote history

You get a court order so your arse is covered and he can't just dump them on his parents. ATM you are way too passive and just letting him dictate even if that puts your kids at risk.

Until you know your kids aren't at risk, no you don't go away.

Marble10 · 08/02/2026 19:44

Christ. They have enough on their plate without having to worry about teens! Why would your ex even think that’s a good idea?!

independentfriend · 08/02/2026 19:41

Talk to a family lawyer - the chances of your ex being able to persuade a Court the kids should live with him and not see you are very small. He might threaten that. But find out the actual risk and processes involved.

Hypermobility in the 12 year old - worth looking at some physiotherapy from somebody experienced in hypermobility to see if there's muscles she can strengthen to support the lax ligaments. Also possibly worth exploring the diagnosis - I'd be wondering if it's elhers danlos syndrome rather than 'just' hypermobility.

I suspect this isn't going to work out because your ex MIL will struggle in any house that isn't her own.

Anyahyacinth · 08/02/2026 19:07

I don't think its fair to make your children young carers particularly at a time when they are coping with a divorce.

If necessary, I would speak to their school about your concerns

Original poster
GlitteryRainbow · 08/02/2026 19:07

RedToothBrush · 08/02/2026 18:40

And this is why you go to court instead of being passive.

Show quote history

Ex-H will convince them I’m a bad mother and I’ll never see them again.

OP posts:
Original poster
GlitteryRainbow · 08/02/2026 19:04

scottishGirl · 08/02/2026 18:31

But the kids can tell you this surely?

I also don't like for MIL that she will have to live in a different environment for random week's here or there...surely that will just confuse her even more if she has dementia.

I think ex Husband just needs to accept that if he's away he misses a week and they stay with you. If he doesn't agree, go to court.

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I also don’t think it’s fair on MIL. Ex-H won’t care about that.

He won’t want to go to court as that costs money.

OP posts:
BeRoseSloth · 08/02/2026 19:04

You can ask the family court to make a Prohibited Steps Order to stop him leaving the children with his parents. it can be heard urgently.

www.gov.uk/government/publications/form-c100-application-under-the-children-act-1989-for-a-child-arrangements-prohibited-steps-specific-issue-section-8-order-or-to-vary-or-discharge

Original poster
GlitteryRainbow · 08/02/2026 19:02

RedToothBrush · 08/02/2026 18:33

You are still facilitating it. That means being away when you know it's his week.

You are going to have to get a lot stricter.

Much better to go through court. Sounds like you just don't want to say no at this point and you are going to have to be a lot harder than that.

Show quote history

I can never go away when it’s his week with the kids? That will go down well with my work when I can never go away.

OP posts: