Selfish downsizing

Time with your dc is worth way more than private schooling. I’d move near a good state secondary school, then get an easier job.

Then this is what you must do and downsize.

As someone said upthread you’re entrapped by your “good life.” State school is not the end of the world.

My dc got AAA in their A levels their friend, who’d been privately educated since primary, got BBC. Yes they’re good at cricket but they’re not going to a RG uni like my dc. If that’s what £200k’s worth of education buys then no thanks. The classes were small the school building impressive but private education doesn’t always deliver on results. And basically that’s what you’re really buying.

If you can afford it all without the stress continue as you are but if you want to free up some time for you then go for it. You’re not a machine you need to have a good quality of life too. Your body and health will thank you.

if it doesn’t work out I’m sure you can ramp it back up again and go back to how it was.

Good luck Op with whatever you decide.

Why do they need to be in private school? Surely that's the massive expense that would make a big difference if it were removed.

Just because some people have things harder doesn’t mean you have to accept what you have as the right life for you

It's not selfish, OP, but I don't know how realistic it is. Money provides enormous choice and safety. I think if you want to seriously consider it, you need to identify an area you could afford, visit the schools, think about how significant your savings are, how far you are from retirement, what would happen if you needed more than a "pocket money" job etc. If your plan factors in all that and shows you it could work, then there's your answer. (Of course you then have the issue that your DH and kids don't want change.)

Can you not just outsource as much of life’s admin as you can.

Hire a housekeeper/nanny who can take the kids to school for you and then go back to the house and tidy/clean, cook, food shop, iron or whatever you need.

I work 12 hour days in a school. Salary good. Nice lifestyle bar the long stressful midweek days. I dream of similar to you!

in the long holidays I, unbelievably, get bored. could you try taking a chunk of time off to see if it’s actually what you would enjoy?

I think quality family life is more important than private school/big house, especially if you can move to an area with good state schools. While your kids are still primary school age is the perfect time to do it - once you reach secondary age it would be much more disruptive

I used to work four days a week, out of the house 8am to 7pm approx. Had an after school nanny who did kids laundry and cleaning, supervised play dates and homework. Also a cleaner. When I came home everything was clean and tidy ready for bed time routine then grown ups dinner and relaxation. It was quite doable.

It’s not “lucky” if it’s creating all this stress for you. The luckiest people love their lives.

But you have no time with your kids, and the time you do have seems to be overshadowed by how tired you are and how stressed you are just to keep your very “lucky lifestyle” going.

Doesn’t really seem worth it. They don’t need to go to private school, they’d be better off with more family time. More family that isn’t full of a tired and stressed mum.

If DH and DC love the house, and you’ve just paid a ton of stamp duty on it I doubt moving is an option. Could you buy in some more hired help - cleaner, house keeper, gardener? Is going down to 4 days possible?

What is it you want to downsize?
The house? Your job? The domestic load?

I sometimes consider moving to a bigger pusher house and maybe increase my hours / gaining a promotion at work but what I find useful is thinking, what do I think I’ll think when I’m older and the children have moved out/grown up.

I decided against it my Current role at times is quite pressured and I end up feeling over whelmed with the job, and the expectations on me at home (children, house work, reading / homework with children) and just generally being the best most present mum I can be.

You are not selfish for thinking this way. You are sensible to think this through and think is it sustainable to keep it all up?

Would you be able to spend more time with the children as a result? That’s a very important pro for the decision that would probably outweigh some
of the more temporary issues (ie moving school etc).

Are there any smaller changes you could make?

A drop in hours (but not a drastic one) for either of you? Any help you could buy in with cleaning or after school childcare?

Are your children in private primary and can then move to a state secondary school or are your plans to keep them in private until 18?
If they could change to a state secondary school then you could do less hours.

What are the benefits you get from your job? Good pay obviously. Good holiday entitlement?
Do you slog all year and then get to have great holidays and some family time?

it’s all about weighing up the pros and cons.
How does your dh feel? Does he know you feel this way? What have you discussed?

You made your bed, looked at it a, time to remake it

I have been in pretty much exactly that position a few years ago.

It’s ironic, Now that the big bills are finally out of the way, I felt safer in establishing some boundaries with work. And it turns out that those boundaries are fine. I worried I would lose my job if I didn’t go all out on the12 hour days, but it turns out the 9 hour days are just fine. I get less done, but am still getting “exceptional” in my performance reviews. I was slogging my guts out for no reason.

Try deliberately doing a bit less at work and see what happens.