Selfish downsizing

How old are the kids?

I think your plan here is sensible… but maybe a more medium term plan. Maybe when the kids are older and at a particular point in their lives. End of year 6 or 11, say.

I don’t think you’re selfish at all, but maybe now isn’t the right time to go headfirst into it?

@Eatthebeat I don't think you are selfish to dream about this, but I think you might be underestimating the impact it will have on you dh and your dc. And how much of your (collective) time and energy will be taken up by dealing with the fall out and making all of that OK.

I realise that sounds like:
a) your stress / overwhelm etc is the price YOU have to pay to keep everyone else on an even keel
b) it is YOUR responsibility to deal with all of the impact, rather than you and dh (and the dc if they're old enough) to make a plan that works for you all.
That's not what I mean.

However I think you do have take the whole family into consideration. I also have a 'simple life' dream. For me at my stage in life (retirement, all dc left home and independent), it would be selling the big family home and moving to a brand new, smaller, well designed house that would be suitable for me and dh (or whichever one of us surviives the longest) for as long as we can be independent. That dream includes having everything new - no dodgy kettle, or slightly wonky pillow, or table that was bought as a cheap stop-gap and has become a permanent feature... Then add in maybe 10 or 20 important artefacts from our current life.

I talk about it often, and the whole family laugh. What about Dad's entire collection of the World Cup Football memoribilia - where is that going? What about the Belgian Beer Mug collection? (in the garage). But more deeply felt is everyone's connection to the family home.

I know what woud make life easier for me - now and in planning for the future - but we're a family, and it's not all about me.

I would be planning a move to a great state school area for secondary. Maybe a grammar?

Each to their own but I would definitely prioritise my dcs’ education over everything else. Unless there was a fantastic state school reasonably close by of course.

what is the problem? Housework? Throw the decor and clutter and just hoover once a week, polish the tiles and that is that. Or is it your own long work hours

Yes! Op you need a good mother’s help or housekeeper. There must be an agency specialising in this. A responsible young woman used to the countryside who will help with school runs, food shopping, making dinner, laundry, animals, driving a mini tractor or whatever.

And hire a cleaner and gardener too.

And make sure your dh is stepping up,

Or is that your job is so tiring, that you would be tired at weekends anyway?

If that’s the case you need to talk to your employers about going to four days? Or working from home a bit possibly?

Honestly, I greatly regret putting my daughter in private school. It has been great for her academic results and confidence so big win for her I think. However I am incredibly tired and could be thinking of retiring now instead of stressing about money if she’d gone to state school. She only has two years left and loves it…. So it is grin and bear it until then. Then I am massively downsizing life…. Move to a cheaper area, smaller place, and not have the grinding pressure of earning a lot….. I can’t wait.

The fantasising about a totally different lifestyle points to there being something causing stress/burnout in your current situation, unless you are 100% sure what it is you do run the risk of changing the wrong thing(s).
Is there 1 thing you can change first? I’m out of the house 12 hours a day, 3 days per week but WFH the other 2 days which allows me to get up later, get more rest and be more present for those days.
Primary years (particularly KS1) are hard, don’t underestimate that part either!

Then you cannot downsize unless you move them to state school

Came here to say the same. We love our smaller house, which we still all enjoy and love making memories in.
Your children don't have the life experience to know that you may be choosing the 'better way' - whatever that looks like for you as a family. Choose the best thing for your family (current situation or downsize).

Do it OP. Before they get older and it just gets more expensive

But we can’t give you those stories when the grass absolutely is greener when you choose the side with a better work life balance and time with your children.
No one is suggesting unemployment, but that you’re doing just isn’t the sort of life most parents (mums) want to have, because the grass is definitely greener when we have real time with our children and families as well as work.

Sorry, but you’re not going to hear that. You’ve chosen a life that most of us are looking at and thinking “not worth it.”

Would the sale of the house, and the money it frees up, cover school fees up until 18? Or if they move to state school, would it free up money for uni? The life you have right now doesn't sound sustainable.

I took redundancy when kids were about to enter secondary. Moved them from private primary to state secondary (planned - very good school) and have never regretted the decision. Daughter now at Oxbridge and son in Y12. Both perfectly happy at state school and I didn’t go back to work as I loved the flexibility of doing what I wanted when I wanted. Highly recommend!

The problem with this plan is that it only benefits you, and makes life worse for the other three people in the family.

I'd look into the work situation. Can you move to an adjacent area? Reduce hours? Organise your diary so that you spend one or two days WFH a week?

If possible, take a few days off and go to a completely different environment, so you can have new ideas. Talk to friends with different perspectives on life... there may be alternatives that you haven't thought of.

Can you decrease your hours slightly? Move to a 4 day working week or every other Friday off?

It feels like you are craving some time to yourself rather than you hate your job?

We downsized our housr and cut our bills in half and I felt a weight had been lifted.
I was so stressed keeping up with my own expectations of how my life should be it was making me ill nust keeping up with myself.
I can say that the fact we are now less stress is making all of us happier. Albeit in a smaller house with a shitter car but those things do not even matter really.
I can now work without feeling like the pressure is on my head to keep things going. It has been a game changer.

Get yourself a studio flat and tell your DH and kids to take a hike.

How does your DH feel about it? what does he want?

Your kids? what do they want?

That is a lot of big changes. Job (and, by the sounds of it, area of work), house, school and location - basically everything except your relationship.

Are you sure you want to give up your current job? Is there not a middle ground such as reducing your hours, working from home one day a week, getting a cleaner? Are there any decent grammar schools nearby? That would presumably save you about £40K+ p/a.

State primary I think you should be considering. Better I think than moving house.

What's the point of the thread then?

Your kids don’t care about a big fancy house and they would probably be happy in a decent local school. What they do care about is having a happy fun parent to chat to and spend time with.

To me your life sounds awful, sorry if that is harsh. It’s a classic looks good to outsiders but is actually a guilded cage scenario.

Personally if your DH genuinely likes his job and earns well I would move house, somewhere he can still commute but with decent local schools. You can get a smaller place, less upkeep and potential to make it more energy efficient. Plus you can make your life a bit easier possibly work fewer hours and focus on the things that really matter.

@Eatthebeat What exactly are you looking for here?

You've described a stressful life yiu aren't happy with. People have suggested various alternatives but you dismiss them saying that they won't work because your not miserable enough basically? Where do you draw the line though? You get no family time, work / commute so much you're exhausted, and the house is too much for you. Maybe you can't see because you're trying to please everyone else to.your detriment