Scared to have children in case they have additional needs

You are annoyed that someone else would be devastated for themselves? The OP hasn’t said that others have to feel how she feels, she has only commented on how she would feel. Its weird to have an issue with her having her own feelings about her own life.

You're not unreasonable to feel this way - but I'm afraid the answer is to not have children.

You have to be prepared to take whatever you get if you decide to have kids and it's fine to not want to gamble.

The bar for removing children from inadequate families is incredibly low. I have a friend who is a social worker and I taught children in hugely deprived areas for 20 years. The homes they lived in, without any question of being removed,were often desperate. Permanently removing a child either at birth or months/ years after the birth is very rare. If a child is removed at birth the pregnancy will very likely have involved the parents using drugs regularly and the mother is usually a victim of DV or has been pushed into sex work. The baby will be put into Foster care for years before being adopted and huge efforts will be made to support the birth parents so the child can go back home. The days of perfect babies born to 'foolish unmarried young mothers ' and adopted withing 6 weeks by a ' naice' family are now more Our local vicar adopted 2 girls ( unrelated to each other ). I taught both. The older they got the more their issues surfaced. Lots of adoptions collapse and the child is put back into Foster care. Imagine sending a hugely damaged child back/ carrying on with horrendous behaviours with little support. Do not adopt.

I don't have experience so can't say but from reading your post, I'm thinking maybe you could think what would be harder for you, a life with a child with a disability or never being a mother... (I'm saying that because you are saying you want to be a mum). There are definitely more children will additional needs being born into the world but equally statistically you are likely to have a child who doesn't have additional needs. If you did however, you would love your child unconditionally and you would get inner strength to cope I believe x

OP, I don’t really understand why people are being so hard on you. I guess it’s a matter of perspective but I think it’s better to be honest about these things rather than hide away and worry in secret.

I have children already and they don’t have additional needs of any other - they’re fairly boring little lads and lasses, bless them.

I had them quite young and didn’t really think of the possibilities but now I am older and the only thing stopping me from having any more (my partner wanted 1 more to ‘complete’ our family and so did I originally) is the thought of any additional needs.

I am not someone who can cope easily with everything and I already struggle with motherhood. It would be selfish of me to say I’m strong enough to handle anything.

however, I am also of the belief that parenthood is astonishing. At the end of the day, if I had a baby with any other needs, it is still my baby. My responsibility. I know I would love my child regardless.

that doesn’t negate the fact that I would struggle immensely and the idea has put me off having another child.

i have family members with profoundly autistic and unwell children. They are incredible parents. I don’t feel like they are living devastating lives but I would be lying if I said I envy them - they’re doing God’s work, honestly. They deserve endless support and appreciation for being so patient and committed. Having children is always going to be hard, so having them with additional needs would also come with unique challenges.

All I want to say is I hear you and you’re not alone

I didn't think for a second about what we would do if our children had additional needs. As it turned out, one of our children is developing typically, the other is autistic. Her needs are on the milder/higher functioning end of the spectrum, to the point that most people who meet her and only know her on a superficial level dont realize she has autism. And even then, being her mum can be really hard. Keeping her regulated, advocating for her, teaching her to accept herself and be proud of who she is but also teaching her acceptable ways to behave - it's hard. it's emotionally draining. I absolutely don't wish we hadn't had her, and I don't wish she was neurotypical either because then she wouldn't be who she is (and she's fabulous!), but I don't think there's anything wrong with saying that parenting her is challenging and is likely to be so throughout her life. It's okay to hope that your child doesn't have the needs my child does. It doesn't offend me. We have also decided not to have a third child because if that child also had autism we know we couldn't do a good job of parenting two kids with additional needs. I'm not at all ashamed of that decision as I know it's not right to have a child that i can't look after well. I think it's sensible to reflect on your own capacity before you have a child, much better than bringing someone into the world whose needs you can't meet.

I get it, OP, and this was something I struggled with, more so when deciding whether to have DC2. I don’t think there’s an answer really than your own appetite for risk and how important being a parent is. It’s a personal decision.

We have stopped at two, mostly because we feel our family is complete but even if we didn’t, I wouldn’t want to roll the dice again when we’ve been fortunate enough to have two healthy children.

I think a lot of people don’t ’just cope’, or that the word ‘cope’ is doing a lot of heavy lifting and people are ‘coping’ at the expense of their own mental and physical health and living basically on the edge of what is sustainable. Surviving, just.

I think it's perfectly reasonable to want life to be straightforward. And I say that with 1 out of 3 that has additional needs. She is thriving but it has taken a lot of time, commitment and money. Without that, I don't know where we would have been. She was diagnosed at 4 and alongside her brothers educated at public schools because I want their life to be smooth and for her to get the support she needs. Without that, I feel life would have been more traumatic and not saying that doesn't make it untrue.

I have 3 girls aged 13, 12 and 9. Middle one is ND.
Life is challenging and we sometimes cant do/go places but I wouldn't change my daughter for anything. She is her own amazing person, I just wish that people were more accepting of her funkyness

No one would actually choose to have children who are unhealthy or have additional needs if there was a guaranteed choice between the two, would they? It’s ok to say you would only want healthy children or those without additional needs.

She didn't say that children with additional needs aren't perfect.

I know some will say “well it sounds like you’re too selfish and immature to have a child”. I don’t believe that to be the case. I’m just aware of my limits and having a life that is not extremely hard is a priority for me.

Why is the decision to not have children considered selfish but having a baby because 'I waaaant one' isn't?

I’ve always thought the same OP . I would also never risk having a child with someone autistic as it can be hereditary. I know that I would not be able to cope with a disabled child .

I think it’s right and healthy to talk about it.

This is a risk in every pregnancy. Even if the baby is healthy issues can occur during pregnancy and/or birth causing disability. Healthy people become disabled everyday through accidents etc it’s just part of being human.

My 6 year old son is severely autistic, non-verbal and needs to attend a special needs school. Unlike others I don’t think you are unreasonable for being scared of the prospect of having a disabled child. It’s incredibly hard and I worry daily for my son. He’s 6 years old and I thought I wouldn’t have a second child but I’m 5 months pregnant. I know the risks. Nothing in life is certain. I’m excited and happy to be having a second child and truly hope they are healthy.

Maybe some short therapy sessions to discuss it might help. Ultimately you need to be ok with the prospect of a disabled child because no one is guaranteed a healthy baby. If you are worried about autism (like your cousin’s child) I guess you could have some genetic testing done but again that doesn’t guarantee anything.

This

I have several friends/relatives with Sen children and my god daughter has a very serious rare medical Sen but I am so proud to have been asks to be her godmother and every day she is alive is a blessing

I think you're being very sensible OP. I only had one child mainly because I had her at 37 and felt that having another at an even older age than that was too big a risk for me. I knew I could not cope with two children if one of them had severe needs. In those days autism or ADHD was not even on the radar, you just had tests for DS or (I think) Cystic Fibrosis.

If I was contemplating having children now I would certainly consider the risks and if either me or DH had had ND in our backgrounds we would probably have decided against having them.

I think everyone worries about this, to some extent.

Not all autistic children struggle and suffer. My DS is severely autistic but is such a happy little boy. He is probably the happiest of my three children.
I know he'll face difficulties as he gets older (or more likely me and his dad will) but NT children don't just sail through life.
There are countless posts from parents with NT children who have problems and issues.

Ok so chances are around 1 in 10 for some form of learning need (ASD, ADHD dyslexia, DCD). Around 1:100 for a congenital problem ( heart defect, chromosomal imbalance etc). Odds increase for all of this with age of both parents and any family history- there are no guarantees.

Are you or your DH autistic? Are there any genetic issues in the family?

I think all you can do is weigh up the pros and cons have relevant testing if you can and decide then onwards if you want to run that risk. If you adopt the child will most likely have issues anyway.

I truly think you shouldn't have kids, because those children deserve better than a mother who would be devastated to have them.

Don't get me wrong, raising children with SEND is difficult with the added advocacy, paperwork, therapies etc but my children are also the biggest joys in my life and being their parent has been my biggest privilege. I'm so glad they were born to a mother like me rather than someone like you.

NOONE wants a disabled child- noone! I didn't and yet I had one (1 out of 2) autistic child.

Well, it does reduce risk in that it provides an answer as to whether not certain conditions are present, and allows for decisions to be made based on that knowledge.

That you can’t control everything does not mean you have to accept controlling nothing.

I’m not autistic, but I’ve had other health problems since birth, and I agree with you. I had a child when I was very young and thoughtless. Luckily, he is okay, but when I realised that another child could have health issues like mine, I decided that one was enough.

OP I get what you are saying. My adult daughter has a serious boyfriend. He has several people with autism in the family. I admit it’s crossed my mind that she may end up with an autistic child. The number of threads on here about the challenges are quite alarming. Articulate and loving parents describing violence, faecal smearing etc, it’s pretty off-putting. I won’t say anything to my daughter but yes it worries me.

And of course it’s fine to say this anonymously here. You sound like a caring and loving person. I wish I had the answers for you.