Scared to have children in case they have additional needs

I am 10 minutes into this and in tears. Fucking hell it’s hard to watch him ragdolling her around the kitchen like that. Awful

I also worried about this OP, but there are things you can do to mitigate against the chance of having a child with profound autism. Take prenatal vitamins for 3 months before conceiving (not after), make sure your thyroid isn’t under or over active, check your iron levels and address any anaemia, and generally eat/drink healthily.

I decided not to have kids because of the genetics in my family. My brother and sister have had kids and ......well, I made the right decision, put it that way.

I'm in a similar position. I chose to have a child with DH knowing he's autistic, knowing how much it's in his family, and knowing it was pretty likely at least one DC would be would be autistic. The presentation in his family sounds like the presentation in yours - and so far that's what we've got with DS. It was a dice roll, but one I was prepared to risk. Which isn't to say that I've always found parenting DS easy! But it's also far from devoid of joy.

Having children is an exercise is loss of control. In so many ways, you don't know what you're going to get, or how its going to change your life. As someone who likes to be in control, that's not been an easy lesson to learn! But as others have said, being disabled isn't a worst case scenario. I think what you're really afraid of is having children who are unhappy, and whose needs, behaviours, actions make you and the family unit unhappy. And disability is far from the only scenario in which this could be true: some people will have children who do terrible things, or whose personalities mean life is very hard for them, or for other reasons remain dependent on parents for long periods of time. I think you have to be accepting of some risk and some pain as part of being a parent.

This makes sense biologically

If I’m honest, it’s one of the reasons I only have one. I too was worried about this when I thought about having babies, but then found out I was pregnant at 16 weeks! I didn’t want to tempt fate having more and thought I couldn’t be this lucky a second time around if I considered having more.
I have friends with DC with additional needs to varying degrees, and there are a few of the kids who I honestly wouldn’t be able to cope with.

Fostering is definitely not an option for someone who wants perfect, healthy children. Most have faced a lot of trauma, and many have mental health issues.

My children both have additional needs although they were quite mild but I fully agree with you.

I’ve seen friends and family with children with severe autism and I don’t think that I could do it but I also think that I’d also just get on with it and do my best which is what most parents do.

we all want our children to be perfect and preferably do better in life than we did, it doesn’t always work out like that and that’s fine. You just do your best, love your kids and get on with it. We just have reserves that mean that the amount that we can cope with gets bigger as needed.

I have ND husband , child - I suspect I am ND. Child has PDA - it’s a nervous system condition / connected with autism it’s a pervasive drive for autonomy - our whole like is on eggshells - it’s so stressful for her sibling too. I know there is a biological urge but if you or your DH are ND then there is a strong possibility the child will be too. Now I see the string of autism in my DH family, my MIL is most certainly autistic - she is so so so controlling I can see she may also have PDA, I’m certain I have ADHD. Life is fulfilling but challenging so very challenging - it’s exhausting and I would say having the kids is amazing and they bring so much to us. But it’s not easy,

TBH I think you are sensible! Some people on here ( usually Mums!) have a terribly difficult time of it.I know no one can really tell in advance ,but some Mums have another when they are already struggling along(No critcisism here just total admiration for these ladies) Why not have a few years child free first ? Most people have no guarantees in life anyway

I agree with you, your decision is completely selfless. It comes from lived experience, which i totally respect and have a friend who has made the same choice for the same reasons. I think what i was trying to convey is, some people being selfless isn't an arrow in their bow.

What’s I’ve noticed is that the ‘milder’ autism (which is often described as quirky, high functioning etc) tends to be genetic, but the severe form (non verbal, smearing, learning disability) seems to come out of nowhere.

Babies that would not have been treated in NICU in the nineties are now bring treated , but are being left with huge problems. My eldest son decided to try to be born at 22 weeks in 1992. I was told that, if he was born, no attempt would be made to save him. If he was alive he would be wrapped in a blanket, given to me and allowed to pass away .That doesn't seem to be the case anymore.

That’s deeply unfair.

You can always click off the thread.

This is absolutely a valid concern, and I commend OP for giving this serious thought.

It isn’t more common. We just know better how to diagnose and treat children.

No offence here. If I knew then, what I know now, I wouldn't have had kids.

I think your feelings are valid tbh. Genetics play a big part in autism/ADHD etc and if it's in your family then there's a chance. Are you NT? Whos the ND parent of your family members? You'll be able to follow it back through the family.

To be honest having 3 children with a addtional need 21 19 and 11 its hard going and I can totally understand your concerns and rightly so too. You have done amazing helping your cousin it we have zero help. So well done and thank you for doing that. It is hard but the soectrum is very wide some dont need as much support as others. I think coming on here and share g is wonderful. Don't be put out by people responses. Its hard and I never wnated this life but it what God has given me and I've grown into a strong woman and I love who I am. There is so much knowledge now and more support and understanding. You grow and adapt just like you being a parent with neuro typical children all have their challenges. Being a parnet full stop is hard. But so much joy love also comes with it. Have you spoke to your DH about it? What are his thoughts. Unltimayly it mainly rests on the mum looking after the children so I hear you and I see you.

Oh well, that’s ok then. As long as you wouldn’t do it in real life. Much better to hide yourself on an anonymous forum when you are being highly insensitive, than do it in real life where people know who you are and you have to face their reaction in person.

This didn't even cross my mind when I wanted to become pregnant. I didn't know anyone who had a child with additional needs. It does seem more common now though. I wonder why.

If your cousin has children with additional needs, if it’s genetic, you’re more likely to have children with additional needs too.
Why do you say the risk is low? Is it because of your family history or your DH’s?

It’s good that you know your limits, it can certainly happen though.

Do you feel able to talk to your husband about how your feelings about having children have changed?

It would be better to have that conversation sooner rather than later.

Unless I have missed something people aren’t reading the OP’s posts properly. She hasn’t said that she’s devastated for any parent with a disabled child, she’s said she’d be devastated for herself. Those are two different things. Its OK for her to feel like that about her personal life. Some people are reading things that aren’t there and perhaps should reflect on why that is.

I’ve don’t have kids OP, because I think the world is a god awful place to inflict on a child, and it would be 100x harder if that child had difficulties. The world isn’t set up to support anyone with additional needs, and that certainly won’t change in my lifetime.

lets be honest from
the outside world everyone would feel devastated to learn your child is going to face challenges Iife. That doesn’t mean she shouldn’t have children, she’s just been honest

As others have said - autism is genetic and therefore, in your case, it might be more likely that you would have a neurodivergent child. Is anyone else in the family autistic?

Obviously, not all neurodivergent kids have such severe needs. I have a neurodivergent child and his needs are not as severe. I did know that neurodivergence ran in my family and he is also the reason why I stopped at one as I didn't want to roll the dice again. Having said that my nephew seems neurotypical so it's not a 1 to 1 link.

I think it was a very brave and honest post by OP. Surely no parent would want their child to be disabled or have SEN. It's hard enough raising children who don't have any issues.

There have been numerous posts on MN from desperate parents of disabled kids, or those with severe SEN, saying that they can't cope any more.

I've also read posts re aging parents of such kids who are terrified of what will happen to their child after they die.

Of course tragedy can strike at any time, through an accident or illness, hence part of parenthood is learning to live with the worry of what could happen.

OP, you need to talk about this with your partner, and decide what is best for both of you. 💐