Scared to have children in case they have additional needs

I think this is a hard way to live your life though. There is risk in absolutely everything. Don’t let fear drive you. You could equally be losing out on the biggest source of love and happiness you’ll ever experience.

I think you are sensible to consider this.

I would have wanted to abort if we found out ours had serious disabilities during pregnancy. But DH is a catholic wouldn’t have. It’s definitely something that concerned me before we conceived- how we would deal with that.

people who are triggered by this topic shouldn’t read it

Sorry if this has been said, as I’ve read OP’s post but not the full thread…

Children can be ‘healthy’ and neurodiverse at the same time. My DS is mostly nonverbal and autistic and has a learning disability meaning he is younger mentally than his age. He is very healthy 🤷🏻‍♀️

I was very similar to OP. Wanted a child, but loved my life and didn’t want to have an autistic child. I got an autistic child, don’t regret him at all and love him dearly. Would I have liked it to be different.. yes. Would I change it.. I’d like an easier life for us both, but wouldn’t change him.

Most babies are born without neurodiversity. I would say that if you want a family, you should go for it.

Just semi sober? Not totally not-sober?

I wish I’d spent more time considering this tbh OP. I finally became a mum at 40 and DS is profoundly autistic with a host of other “fellow traveler” ND diagnoses. It has very nearly broken me and even now, if a prenatal test for conditions like my son’s became available, I would urge every pregnant woman to take it and consider their options carefully.

Autistic posters of the high-functioning persuasion (and I know we’re not supposed to call it that) may think that’s terrible, but they will miss the point and assume they represent every autistic person, when they actually don’t. We are not talking funny-quirky Young Sheldon stuff here - when DS was a baby/toddler, my life was daily shit-smearing, senseless violence by DS (to self and others) and exclusion from every social opportunity, from play groups to pre-school. Anyone who has never had to sew their child into a onesie in order to avoid hours of cleaning shit off the cot and walls the next day should probably think on a bit.

As it happens, DS has mellowed now and is thriving in a specialist setting, although he’s still probably 2-3 times harder work than the average child. But we didn’t know that at age 3, and I spent many years wishing wholeheartedly that he’d never been born. (And yes, I feel terrible about that now).

The reality is that mos5 babies are born completely normal. Do you know if the reasons for your relatives disability is genetic? If I was in your shoes I would seek some professional advice from a genetic expert. It’s worth paying for a private consultation.
I completely understand why you feel like this about having a severely disabled child. Most of us if we are truthful would feel this way. When child is born with disabilities they are of course loved and wanted but I doubt any parent would choose the situation.a

Thank you

For the sake of any future children don't have them if you can't cope with any eventuality of your child.

I've struggled to read all these, so sorry if similar thoughts mentioned.

Disclaimer - I'm a mum of two young children with suspected ADHD and one has a bowel disorder. I also have MH problems, help care for my disabled mum and somehow juggle all this with a medical career. My life isn't easy but I'm a lot happier than I was pre-children and I don't feel "devastated". I DO feel devastated that as a society there is so little help for parents like me, both from the health service and schools. That is the tragedy here, and it's good that you seem to be aware of this.

I also have two close female friends whose DH's were in car crashes and left brain damaged in their late 30s. When you got married OP did it cross your mind that you may end up as a carer for a disabled spouse? Does the reality that that could be an outcome put you off being in a romantic relationship? Personally the love I experience from my DH and children makes the grief any illness/disability worth while.

Motherhood is an absolute killer whether or not your children are "normal", my worst times as a mother were the early years before the neurodiversity and physical stuff had even become apparent. It sounds like you're not up for the emotional challenge right now and that is okay but please be open about this with your DH - if becoming a parent is really important to him it's vital to address this.

Do you have any idea how insulting it is to read that so many people would be devastated if their kids were like yours? My son is fantastic, he is loving and optimistic, he is wise beyond his years about important things, he is determined and tries harder than anyone I know and there is not a single day that I regret my life no matter how hard it is. For you to be worried that your life might be life is like mine is insulting at the very least.

Well said.

Having children is very much a roll of the dice- in every single aspect. You may well have kids with additional needs. You may also have children with health conditions that you have to manage. You might have children with entirely different temperaments and personalities to you and your partner. Pre kids I had a really clear idea of what life with kids would be like and what those kids would be like. I was totally wrong! I love being a mother and I adore my children but they will always surprise you. Your children are their own people, they dont come into the world to fulfil our desires to become parents. I think chatting your worries through with your partner will help, has he thought about the chance of your children having additional needs? X

Just wanted to offer an alternative viewpoint, as many of the posts on this thread are from parents of disabled children but I can't see any comments from disabled adults who were born disabled sharing their stories.
I was born with severe physical disabilities, born without eyes and with multiple joint deformities.
My parents did everything in their power to ensure I had the best childhood possible, pulling out all the stops to make certain I had access to a good and accessible education and also that I was able to enjoy the experiences and opportunities other children enjoyed.
I am not saying it was easy for them but I had a very happy and stimulating childhood and never felt I missed out on much that my non-disabled peers had. I remember having many joyous family times with my family, most of my childhood memories are very positive ones, I can assure everyone that it was not a relentless miserable slog for all involved! I know my parents loved being my mum and dad too and that they did not spend all the time wishing I had been born 'normal'.
Thanks to my wonderful parents and their determination to give me the best life possible, I did very well academically at school. I received a first class degree from a top university and now have a fulfilling career which I love. Most importantly, I am very happily married and have a perfect baby girl of my own.
I am still severely disabled and do require a great deal of specialist equipment, adaptive technology and support from carers to help me with daily tasks, but I have a fantastic, extremely happy life and would not change a thing.
Just wanted to offer the perspective that life for children born disabled is not automatically going to be grim and tragic and can, on the contrary, be every bit as good as life with non-disabled children. Disabled children are not some kind of booby prize.

Even life with children without additional needs is hard. It’s not all just baking I’m afraid.

If you really want kids, you must accept the reality that no kid is perfect, and you’ll have to keep going no matter what hand you’re dealt with. Same with everything else in life.

My son has ASD and likely ADHD - he's 5. We made the decision not to have more kids because we cannot cope as it is. Love my DS dearly but it's gruelling, lonely and relentless. He's in mainstream school and copes fine for now but at home I'm subjected to alot of violence from him which I am powerless to stop. We had a diagnosis at 3 and weekly support ever since. He looks like any other kid but noone has any idea what goes on at home. I feel like the stigma around SEN kids is far worse now, and because he "looks fine people assume he's just badly behaved. We aren't able to do the simple things other people do like shopping, going to a cafe, learning to swim. It's hard.

Because there’s a massive gap between the end of the institutions and what some people believe is a huge rise in certain types of disability

Why those dates. What about those detained right now? Less than before but still current.

I think it's good to give it some real serious thought. Just keep in mind that all children are an accident or illness away from disability and no one thinks it will happen to their healthy child until it does.

So it may not be a great idea to have a child if you do feel so strongly against it.

I've got one child with additional needs - would I have two children if he had been born first? Absolutely not. Always baffles me people saying they've got say 4 kids with problems (seriously, you'd stop at one, wouldn't you?!)

No? I have a few friends with quite severely disabled kids & all bar one went on to have a second/third.

One of my kids was born prem & had a really difficult first year, it wasn't clear if she had a life of special needs/health issues ahead of her.

I would say... its different when its your kid. Its hard, but you have a love for your child that helps you to find a reserve of strength. I have two friends with children with special needs that mean lifelong care but honestly they are lovely kids and seeing the love their family have for them (and vice versa) brings a smile to me. One in particular i see a lot, and her daughter, while difficult, is so lovely, she is affectionate and never fails to make me smile.

I don't want to down play their challenges but their DC are loved and lovely and i would never ever choose a childfree life over DC like theirs.

Well, these types of things are generally genetic and also linked to older age parents. She's your cousin, but in what way if that makes sense? You're both quite young. Also IVF increases the risk of the baby having problems not surprisingly.
I don't think it's unfair what you've brought up at all.
I've got one child with additional needs - would I have two children if he had been born first? Absolutely not. Always baffles me people saying they've got say 4 kids with problems (seriously, you'd stop at one, wouldn't you?!)
You're right. It's damn hard work. Love my child to bits but no, wouldn't wish it on anyone else and it's heartbreaking for him too.

I actually think it's good to think about it. I am disabled. My life is fine, but it's not easy and some things I can't do which others would never give a second thought. My parents' life was not easy either, and they were isolated by several friends and some family, who just couldn't deal.

It takes a lot to be parents and even more when the child has additional needs. The way I'm now realising how hard my parents fought for help and support for me is sobering.

If you're not sure you can do that, don't have children. I don't. Besides, anything can happen at anytime. Not all disabilities are evident at birth, obviously.

I also wanted to say that lots of people with genetic illnesses running in their families go for genetic screening and think long and hard about whether to have kids. ASD/ADHD is also genetic so I dont think you are wrong in feeling the way you do or even that unusual.

Not only have you completely misread what I wrote, where were these ‘institutions’ between 1980 and 2010?

It hasn't 'come out of nowhere'. It was just hidden from the world in institutions.