Scared to have children in case they have additional needs

This is without a doubt an absolute tragedy. How does this statistic compare with the amount of babies who have thrived on formula. What do you suggest the mothers who can't breast feed do?Bank milk could never provide enough. I don't believe it could be guaranteed to be 100% safe every time, especially when it's often delivered rather than collected 🤔

I completely agree with you and it's why I won't be having kids. I like my life how it is.

Sepsis isn't an infection, it is a life threatening reaction to an infection. Any infection.

Formula isn't sterile which is why the formula guidelines for making up bottles in the UK are very strict, more strict than the USA.

This. ^

I could not do it.

I would not do it.

"perfectly safe for children"

There has been another Formula recall in the UK just yesterday, following a global recall by Nestle at the beginning of January. Two babies died and there were nationwide shortages in the USA in 2022 when Abbott Labs had to shut down production due to bacterial contamination of their formula. Then there was the 2008 Chinese milk scandal.

"Powdered infant formula is not sterile and can contain harmful bacteria like Cronobacter sakazakii and Bacillus cereus. These bacteria can cause severe infections, such as sepsis or meningitis, particularly in infants under 2 months, premature babies, or those with weakened immune systems."

My brother had meningitis at 4 weeks old and was left severely disabled.

@Incomplete Senten 💐💐💐

Jesus. Read the room.

There are mothers who for various reasons are unable to breast feed & there always will be. Despite your good intentions of promoting breast feeding I think it's wrong to put this type of guilt on their conscience. Quality formula with strict regulations has been offered successfully to babies for over 150 years. Glass bottles still exist if this is the preferred choice.

If you had an ounce of common sense you'd realise that there has been substantial research and ever continuing research of formula. It's extremely regulated and perfectly safe for children.

this thread isn't a breastfeeding vs formula feeding debate so for you to insert that into this thread shows your lack of critical thinking skills.

(From someone who breastfed.)

Excuse the typos in my last post.

This was something DH and I gave a lot of thought to, and we decided to remain childfree.

There should be no challenges involved. The idea people are not given the support they require in the situations described is nothing short of diabolical.

I wonder how many of the people criticising OP would willingly choose to live like that? Not many I suspect. It’s a living hell and what my friend and her youngest child suffered for a long time and both were badly damaged by it until her situation became so severe that her child was sent to residential school. That saved her life and provided her son with a far better quality of life and the structure that he needed. Unfortunately it was near impossible to get a placement then and it’s even harder now.

I appreciate the challenges that local authorities and governments are facing in terms of providing special needs care and education but this is a ln emergency situation that really does warrant “throwing” money at it in terms of respite, residential placements, therapy, carers etc. No one should have to be terrorised in their own home like that.

Your kids are yours. It doesn't need to be an insult to you. You love your kids. You don't need random strangers on the internet to love them too.

the OP evidently reads that she'd be devastated to have a child with autism. Not 'that they're like yours.' She'd be devastated at the diagnosis, not the actual child itself. I would be too! I've seen the struggles people close to me have gone through with little to no break. I wouldn't want that life for myself and that's okay. It's not personal to you and your kids..

hypothetically if someone said to you while you were pregnant 'your child is going to be disabled and autistic' would you really not be sad or upset? I don't believe anybody would be jumping for joy exactly. And if you were sad or upset, you're not far off being on the same page as the OP.

I think this is one of those times when OP’s right to speak about something valid that worries her overrides your offence, because ultimately she isn’t talking about your child specifically, she’s (perfectly reasonably) speculating on whether she would be able to parent a SEN child.

Given every other poster on here has a child with SEN, it is no longer a remote prospect as I thought it would’ve been when I was growing up. It’s very common now and as such she’s very wise to really think about whether that would be a life she could cope with.

I know.

It's some people's reality with a disabled child.

This is becoming more common.

I'm certain that young man is a wonderful chap when calm, but I would despair if I was living her life.

The tears of her other son having to witness his mum being attacked again are just as hard to watch.

I'm sure the thought of residential care would be heartbreaking. Personally although it would feel like losing a limb I have absolutely no doubt in my mind I would opt for this as long as I had access & home visits etc regularly.

Thank you for your honesty, @IncompleteSenten. Many pp have said they wouldn't change their ND/disabled child - well, good for them. But every child is different, as are parents. One parent will cope well with something that another can't.
Your son sounds profoundly affected, and I don't know how you cope. Will there come a time when you have to move to Plan B, ie residential care for him?
Really feel for you 💐

If you don’t want a disabled child then don’t have children. You can’t guarantee you will get a healthy child and if you can’t handle one with disabilities then don’t be a mum .

She meant imperfect not unhealthy obviously.

I’m sure your children are beautiful ❤️.

The OP clearly has a very glamorous view of parenthood, probably best not to have kids.

I’m not mandating anything but I am explaining that it’s really offensive as are many others. The other examples you give (other than your disability) are in no way comparable to what many people are describing.

I’m also not projecting anything, I have no discomfort, issues or unhappiness about my life which is exactly why it is offensive to read that some people have pity for it or would want to avoid having a child like mine.

Haven't read the whole thread but I really disagree with the people saying you shouldn't have kids if you feel this way.

I think it's much less of a reflection of whether you should have kids and more of a reflection of you having an accurate idea how hard it is having children with complex needs because of spending time helping your family member and their children.

I was in a Facebook group with about 100 mums who had similar due dates to me when I was pregnant with my daughter. When the topic of pre-natal testing for chromosome problems (eg Downs Syndrome) came up, a few people said "we're not bothering because it wouldn't make a difference Hun."
But the only 2 people who said "actually it would make a difference" were the people who had grown up with a sibling with major complex needs (not necessarily that they wouldn't continue the pregnancy but it did make a difference and was useful to know).

I thought it was telling that the people who were most well informed by their life experience had this view.

In both our families we cant find it either.
My husband was a later dad, 40+ for all 3.
I think this does play a part, not that I would ever dream of saying that to him.

OP, one of the things I have observed about mumsnet over the years is that there seems to be a statistically significant number of people with either disabilities themselves or offspring with disabilities. It’s certainly not representative of my own community.
FWIW, I feel the same as you. I had all the tests I could to ensure a healthy baby. I too would have been devastated to have had a disabled child. And just because some people on this thread are upset, you’re entitled to discuss it. No one is born with the right to not be offended.

Do you know a lot of people who have disabled offspring? I ask because in my Real Life, I know very, very few families where their children have disabilities. A bit of ADHD here and there maybe. So few that it would never have occurred to me not to have children.
If you actually want children, then have them. Have the harmony test. And don’t wait until you’re 40!