Page 22 | Scared to have children in case they have additional needs

Jellybunny56 · 07/02/2026 14:14

I think if this is how you feel then the right decision is to not have children at all. It’s something my husband & I spoke about before we decided to have our children because the reality is that you roll the dice with any pregnancy, even if both parents are young, healthy, no known genetic conditions, even if you have all of the testing done during pregnancy, you are never guaranteed a “perfect” child in the sense you describe.

If you aren’t prepared to roll that dice and love, support & accept any child you end up having then honestly the only choice you have it to not roll the dice at all.

For what its worth I don’t think anything is insurmountable, and while yes life is more difficult or has more/different challenges raising a child with additional needs, that doesn’t mean it’s a nightmare or not worth doing.

ncaibu · 07/02/2026 14:14

You're not being unreasonable being aware of this. It's one of the reasons I won't have another child. Thankfully, I have two healthy children and the thought that having another that might have a disability scares me off as I also wouldn't be able to cope nor would I want to disrupt the lives of my existing children.

SemiSober · 07/02/2026 14:14

Avelin · 07/02/2026 14:12

I would love to be a mother (to healthy children). I know I shouldn’t admit the bit in brackets but it’s how I feel. I do feel ashamed to state that.

I’m not trying to be rude to anyone with kids that have additional needs.

it seems bonkers just to roll the dice knowing that it may not work out how I’d hope.

Edited

‘I would be absolutely devastated’ is rude. It isn’t your life at present so you don’t need to worry or have an opinion on it.

Original poster

Avelin · 07/02/2026 14:12

I would love to be a mother (to healthy children). I know I shouldn’t admit the bit in brackets but it’s how I feel. I do feel ashamed to state that.

I’m not trying to be rude to anyone with kids that have additional needs.

it seems bonkers just to roll the dice knowing that it may not work out how I’d hope.

OP posts:

SemiSober · 07/02/2026 14:10

Avelin · 07/02/2026 14:01

A cousin of mine has two extremely autistic children. I love her kids deeply but I would be absolutely devastated if I had to live her life. One of her kids is non verbal and they are both very physical and can cause harm (intentionally and unintentionally. My sister and I try to give this cousin a break whenever possible (maybe once a month?) but we are so exhausted after even one evening.

I know the risk of having a child with additional needs is low but I’m absolutely terrified this could end up being my life. I love children, I love seeing how they interpret the world. I love doing arts and crafts/baking with my nieces and nephews. And many people think I’d make a good mum. But I’m just so scared of the possibility that any future children would have problems. Even though im very healthy and so is dh.

Is this normal? I’m 31 and dh is 35. 2026 was supposed to be the year we started trying for a baby. But I’m extremely anxious.

It’s sad there have just been so many people dealt lousy cards e.g. Jesy from Little Mix and her twin daughters.

I know some will say “well it sounds like you’re too selfish and immature to have a child”. I don’t believe that to be the case. I’m just aware of my limits and having a life that is not extremely hard is a priority for me.

Thank you for making me feel shit about my life. Maybe you should think about how people in this situation would feel reading this post. Some things just do not need to be said.

HildegardVonBingham · 07/02/2026 14:10

OP I am exactly the same - this is something I think about a lot and don’t feel comfortable raising with DP….

ifonlyitwasreal · 07/02/2026 14:10

You are not selfish you are realistic. It’s ok to be child free

mumofoneAloneandwell · 07/02/2026 14:09

FruitSaladYummyYummyFruitSaladYummyYummy · 07/02/2026 14:05

Then the answer is not to have a child if you would be devastated having to raise a child with disabilities.

Nothing wrong with knowing your own limits, but saying you would be devastated to live my life, and the life of many on here Is pretty insensitive. Just because you couldn't cope it doesn't mean our lives are worth being devastated over.

This.

Ilikewinter · 07/02/2026 14:09

I’m just aware of my limits and having a life that is not extremely hard is a priority for me. Life can be hard before you add kids to the mix, with a disability or not!. So given your priorities, I wouldn't be having children.

Downplayit · 07/02/2026 14:09

I have two healthy children and it terrifies me to think this is something that never occurred to us before we had children. I have several friends with children with significant long-term care needs and I have total admiration for how they are so selfless, not just now but looking down the barrel of that being a life long commitment. I know you would love your children whatever but I don't think its something I could cope with. I'm not sure that helps except to say it's a possibility you should come to terms with before you decide to go ahead with having a family. It will be inspiring to see stories from people in that situation themselves.

Cairneyes · 07/02/2026 14:09

One of my children is autistic, my elder son is very reluctant to have children of his own because he “ doesn’t want one like his brother” . That hurts as I love both dearly but I have to accept that there has been a huge impact on family life because of my youngest and his brother bore the brunt of it. So, whilst I wouldn’t change either for anything, I do understand why he might feel this way.

99pwithaflake · 07/02/2026 14:08

It's one of the many reasons I chose not to have children.

Original poster

Avelin · 07/02/2026 14:08

FruitSaladYummyYummyFruitSaladYummyYummy · 07/02/2026 14:05

Then the answer is not to have a child if you would be devastated having to raise a child with disabilities.

Nothing wrong with knowing your own limits, but saying you would be devastated to live my life, and the life of many on here Is pretty insensitive. Just because you couldn't cope it doesn't mean our lives are worth being devastated over.

I’m sorry for having been insensitive to you and your situation. Not at all intended.

I was going to add line in the post and say I hope no one with children that have additional needs takes offence but I thought it sounded patronising.

I wasn’t trying to be personal to anyone. I just know if I had children with needs as severe as my cousin’s children life would be incredibly difficult. And I’m not sure I’d cope.

I have a lot of admiration for people who are clearly much stronger than I am.

OP posts:

RhaenysRocks · 07/02/2026 14:08

I think you're very honest to post that and think you probably shouldn't roll the dice and have one if that's how you feel. More people are opting to be child free, it's not the given it once was.

Bubblebather89 · 07/02/2026 14:07

You know your limits so don’t do that to yourself. Have a life without children.

toomuchfaff · 07/02/2026 14:06

Its not selfish, its realistic.

Out of 9 friend/family groups with young children (under 10), 2 of the couples - both only have 2 children, and both children of both couples have additional needs.

FruitSaladYummyYummyFruitSaladYummyYummy · 07/02/2026 14:05

Then the answer is not to have a child if you would be devastated having to raise a child with disabilities.

Nothing wrong with knowing your own limits, but saying you would be devastated to live my life, and the life of many on here Is pretty insensitive. Just because you couldn't cope it doesn't mean our lives are worth being devastated over.